alone

i hate being alone overseas in the hotel room.

i seem to be going out more often recently. although im tired and all.

i'm not myself anymore. i am not the happy person i used to be, full of nonsense and the entertainer in a group. i now exclude myself and is content with just sitting in a corner and listening; hoping someone would show me some attention. i'm tired of having to get attention on my own. sometimes i wonder if my presence plays a part or not.

i cling desperately to my looks, my voice, playing pool, drinking, being the fun person i used to be; because i feel that no one actually would want to know me or be my friend if they dun have a reason to. without all these, who would see me for what i am? who would like me for me?

sometimes, being alone, i think of what had been and could have been. and i regret sometimes doing what i do. sometimes i wish that I could have had those feelings again, those moments replayed. with the same person. why couldn't i have held on to what was working, instead of leaving cause of my own fears and disillusions?

i'm scared, i'm wounded. and i'm not willing to heal myself but keep subjecting myself to hurt, and run away when an old wound threatens to hurt, even before it starts hurting.



when will i cross my own hurdle?