It's over

It's official.

As from 28th November 2006, I am officially single.

This year, I will be spending my birthday with a different status.

I will be with people i love and care about, people who have known me, the real me, and love me for me.

*

The whole scenario seems like an abortion; You are torn between keeping your flesh and blood or not. You risk facing the whole world, hurting people who love you, inviting gossip. If you decide to let it go, you will live in misery with the memories. If you decide to go on with it, the road will be tough and unhappy as you go through it alone.

Of course, there are always pros and cons in every situation.

*

It's so hard. I have turned into this tempremental lunatic that has immense mood swings, irritating everyone with my indecisiveness, quick temper, and sudden blurts of completely imcomprehensible, unjoined comments that make no sense whatsoever, even to myself.

my heart broke when I saw his tears. I almost wanted to say that it was ok, that I won't leave, that I'll give him one more chance.... But I couldn't bring myself to say those words, words that would end his misery and my pain. Because I know, I want to put my own self first now, instead of yet again giving in to another person's needs.

I cried like I never cried before. Every single turn, comment makes me think of him. But you wonder, since I seem so upset with my own decision, why can't I just give him one last chance?

I won't. I can't.

I have tried to tolerate, and this decision has come about after much much consideration.

I feel relieved, relaxed; free.

It's time for me to move on.

Girl's night out

...well almost...marcus[yenlin bf] came after a while. -_-...

It's been so long since the four of us came out and had a nice girly chat, with lots of laughs and corny jokes that only we could understand; Yenlin, Linda, Charmaine and me. Turns out that even after so long, the bond is still there; the familiarity, the closeness, the mutual understanding, the frequency...it seems so right and so comfortable, like last time when we were still uncontaminated by the worst of life experiences and ways of the world. I really wished that the night would never end; when it was time to go, i was hit by a wave of nostalgia and melancholy, and wondered wen would we ever get the chance to have another gathering again. I wish i could just continue staying in the safe, warm cocoon of friendship and love. But, hey, we had to go home right.

All were plagued by relationship problems; the words just flew freely, confessing, the doubts, the admitting of own faults; its been so long since i could just talk, and not have to mince my words or think before speaking for fear of offending anyone or letting out information that shouldn't be let out...we four girls have gone through so much together, through faults, through mistakes, through heartbreak, tears and joy.

Thank God for friends. *sniff*

*

Well, he was behaving as if everything hadn't happened; like we were still together; i myself don't even know if we were still together or not. I wanted to tell him not to wait, but seeing him in so much pain, I really wanted to just go back to him and comfort him.......but i have to stop all this....if I can't let go, it would make it worse, and we will never be able to end this.

how long can i withstand the sadness that is emitting from him? he is trying so hard to get me back, but i have to be the cruel one. I told him that he should stop treating me as if we were still together, that it would make it even more difficult for him to let go. That I wanted to live my own life, going where i wanted, doing what i wanted, without making excuses for an impulsive action, or explaining why i was where i was and who i was with.

but he seems so lonely......everytime i talk to him, tears just form, i wan to love him, to comfort him and accompany him, to make everything ok.....but i cant do it. I have to stop myself.

I have to come to a decision soon.

*

marcus said that in my life, i have a lot of things that i want to do and try that I haven't been able to before. If I were able to go ahead and do these stuff, I would finally be able to be happy. He also said that I shouldn't care about how others thought of me and just do whatever I wanted...so maybe i should start writing down all the things that i wanted to do, just in case i miss out something. any ideas of anything i mentioned before? i'm having bad memory these days.

*

I wish this would pass soon.

i did it

i finally said it.

it was so hard. he said he couldn't make it without me. he begged me not to leave, to give him another chance, to start afresh. I wanted to, but i couldn't do it. i know that the longer i dragged it on, the harder it would be. i still love him, but i know that I needed to let go.

The tears just kept flowing; then a sense of relief. Stabs of guilt, painful tug in my chest.

Remember our dreams? Remember our promises? Our casual talks for the wedding, our kids. The carpet we bought and wrapped in brown paper for next time? The figurines i loved? your plans for the house, the planning of our life together. It's over.

He is still being so sweet, calling and msging me like it never happened; treating me in the way that makes me so happy. Why must you always be so nice after something happens? Why can't you keep it like that always? Why did you have to wait til it was too late to try and salvage the situation?

It's too late.

But now, i can finally be myself. I can finally do what i want. I keep thinking if I would regret this.... i feel so lost, so confused; but at the same time, so relieved, happy, like a huge load has been lifted off.

Seeing him struggle, so alone, my heart aches just thinking about it....but i want him to learn to live life without me. I love him and i want him to be happy, but not at the extent of my own happiness; not anymore. I know he can find someone out there much better, more suitable for him [although my heart will ache if i ever know].

Some say i'm so stupid to throw away something so beautiful, so stable; to give up on someone who loves me wholeheartedly...can't i be more tolerant, just overlook the bad.........but i just don't see it happening at this moment. I can't tolerate now.

Maybe taking a break from each other is the best thing to do now. I really don't know i we will get back together. Only time will tell.

Dear, i love you. I'm sorry.

Sad

am i wrong to be unhappy when he has his good side as well?

is it my fault that everything he does gets me so irritated?

should i be the tolerant one?

should i try to just concentrate on the good and let the bad slide past?

must i really forgo my own opinions and interests and listen to him?

can i let go?

should i let go?

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Really catchy acoustic version of her latest single. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Its going to be my new ringtone.

Beyonce - Irreplaceable Lyric
Lyric provided by www.seekalyric.com


to the left
to the left

to the left to the left
everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, yes thats my
stuff
yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)

and
keep on talking that mess, thats fine
could you walk and talk, at the same
time?
and- its my name thats on that bag
so go move your bags, let me
call you a cab
standing in the front yard, telling me
how I'm such a
fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a man like you

you got
me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a
minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to
thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so go ahead and get grown
call up
that chick, and see if shes home
oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
what did you think
I was putting you out for?
because you was untrue
rolling around in the car that I bought you
baby, drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standing in the front yard,
telling me
how I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a
man like you

you got me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know
'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so since I'm not your everything
how about I be nothing? nothing at
all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the
left to the left
to the left to the left

mmmmmmmm
to the left to
the left
everything you own in the box to left

to the left to the
left
don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have
another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you can pack all your things- we're finished
cause you made your bed
now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
don't you ever for a
second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

Found a song by Ah Mei which I felt was very nice. It was in my hard disk like forever and I can't believe I never heard it before til yesterday. Couldn't find the romanized lyrics so be content with the chinese lyrics. Anyone manage to find the translation please pass to me!

Anyway, it seems to be a sad sad song [like every single one in her 我要快乐 album]....I feel that this album of hers has a lot of hurt and pain in the way she sings and the lyrics....well..maybe this encompasses all her sad moments throughout her life?

I'm a sucker for sadness...=P

所以我愿意 (Shuo Yi Wo Yuan Yi) [Therefore I do]

By:张惠妹


每朵凋零花蕊 总在冬天积累
等着滋润下一季的美
每颗掉落的泪 会在沙漠里轮回
又怎么算白费

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

每次伤痕累累
学会分辨真伪 眼前真心的笑容更美
每段痛心忏悔 把爱进一步找回
简单的更宝贵

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的却是

对爱我仍愿相信
只是命运没捷径 路难走我反而坚定

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

Art?

Was taking a stroll along the newly revamped Clarke Quay the other day. Quite nice really. All glass and concrete. They mixed post-modernist with classic. I preferred the dingier decor of yesteryears, just because it was more authentic...I have many fond memories of Clarke Quay, you see, as I used to spend lunch alone there, staring at the dirty river as I took a long drag from my cigarette, sorting out problems that only adolescents would have. It was calming, peaceful, noone giving you dirty or kaypoh looks, no one chasing you away.

Approaching Clarke Quay, the exposed beams of the glass ceiling caught my attention, as my amatuer photographer's instincts arose. I took out my trusty camera phone and started adjusting my angles to get the best light, in order to try and create an artistic edge. At first it was not too bad....

Then there I was minding my own business, taking in the sights...then i looked up again......to my horror, they were upon me!! They were all over the place! Acting like innocents, ready to corrupt the minds of the population....it was:

THE INVASION OF THE GIANT METAL PENISES.

someone was trying to be funny.

Treasuring what is now

Do you realise we never treasure what we have until its gone? In this modern world, where independence and equality is dominant, we strive to be the best, have never-ending goals that dominate our lives, pushing us to over-stress ourselves, making us unable to fully enjoy what life has given to us.

Even if we decide to let our hair down and indulge in what the world has to offer, ignoring conventions in the process, society will be frowning upon us and we will inevitably conform to the expectations that bind us to our mundane, everyday, pathetic excuse for a life, convincing ourselves that this is for the best, that normality is the way to go.

How many of us can really say that, up till now, we have done whatever we wanted to do, and is satisfied with the richness of the quality of the lifestyle that we are having? Ruling out vices like stealing, killing, or randomly beating the shit out of pple you dun like, of course...

Everything we do, we have to face the music. We have to worry about how people are going to look at us, what others will think, whether its morally correct. I admire the individuals that dare to break through the box and just go on doing what they do. No matter the actions were wrong or right, at least the experience matured them and they can die without any regrets.

*

I have made many mistakes during the past 24 years of my life. I spent much time sculpting my life to making others happy. Trying to make people like me. Trying to be cool. Trying to be pretty enough. Trying to be thin. Trying to be accepted. Trying to fulfil my parents expectations of me. I've tarnished my own reputation, cleaned it up, but indulged in my own secret cravings. I've hurt, been hurt, fallen in love, had my heart broken again and again. I've had disappointments, nights when i've cried myself to sleep, times when I felt all alone. I've had flings that I've fallen in love with, who never reciprocate. I've swallowed my pride, thrown tantrums, gone all out for a friend who didn't appreciate it. I've had a fair share of quarrels, of disagreements, of arguements. I've cut myself, physically hurting myself to ease the pain inside. I've given in, and been let down. I've given up mykel and melvin, both whom I would have loved very much if i only had the choice. I've gone through what most would not wish to go through. Most of the time alone.

Oh I've had many many happy moments too.

If I had my life to live all over again, I would still do the same things. With the sad came happiness. I told myself I will not wear a mask anymore. I will still give to my friends unconditionally. I will still do what i do.

If all these didn't happen, I would not be me. I would not be Melissa.

Live life to the fullest. Like its your last day on this Earth.