it's complicated

i'm going through a transitional period of my life now..

well....firstly i found out the BF has a gf.....and my emotionally charged reaction shocked myself...

i got myself horribly drunk the day that i knew, and i spent the next few days acting like a paranoid stalker that starts crying everytime ANYTHING happens. i pushed, i probed, i made many angry unfounded comments and kept drinking and drinking..

it was a horrible week, where melissa lost control of her whole being and principles.

i was the one who let him go, i was the one who did him wrong, i was the one who heartlessly ignored him even though he tried desperately to win me back. But now i'm the one that is holding on and not letting go.

i didn't want to go back, cos i was scared; i was afraid that all he promised would be a lie, and everything would come back to square one again...i was unsure, and hurt others in the process. Iwas confused, to go back or not...i guess that finding out the news that he has truely let me go was the motivator that helped me decide once and for all. the answer was so clear for all to see:

I Love Him. very much...and i wanted him back.

knowing that he was lost to me made me do many many stupid things.....it felt like deja vu and i could understand how he felt the time when i rejected him time and time again. I kept asking him, what he wanted...i just really needed him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and i could give up once and for all.

but in the end, he said he chose me.

happiness was short-lived though...he has changed....he no longer is as caring, no longer do i feel the love from him. his silence, and announcement for me to give him time, left me crying in the corner......i keep thinking of weird things......like does he still miss her? does he regret his choice? does he even still love me?

i become paranoid, jealous of everything, desperately being as nice and as loving as i can, in a bid to win him back; to make him love me again, to make him realise that i am sincere, that i can give up everything to be with him, for everything to be like last time......

i dunno what he is thinking, and what he is doing........his silence is driving me crazy when i want to have a good talk and really discuss what he wants. he says he is confused......i think, if he really thinks she's that good, then why not just go back to her and leave me alone in my misery? better than leaving everything hanging. he is so selfish.

all i want is for him to talk to me...for him to let me know[in detail] what is going on and where i stand. i dunno how long i can take this silence and indifference.......

i will try. i really want to try....i just hope everything would settle itself and be ok.

prepare for depressing posts for the next few weeks.