spring cleaning

hey all,

thanks you for offering me encouragement and advice throughout this difficult period.

just one thing i think you guys are not clear about...


no matter how pathetic i make myself seem, how miserable i might appear, please get one thing straight.........remember, as i mentioned in my posts...I caused it.


i did a great wrong to him thats why he is so undecided right now. i dismissed him heartlessly even though he tried for 5mths to desperately try and win me back. it was until he totally gave up hope on me and left did i realise that i wanted him back....selfish huh....

of cos i dun admit that everything is totally my fault lah.....i left cos he was too demanding.......and now, im so miserable because he is so undecided and i feel like i'm dangling in mid air, unable to go up or down. he has also changed; not as caring as before, unable to give 100 per cent. His bad.

why do i want to go back, you ask me? why when he seems to be playing around with my feelings?

its because he really is very very nice to me, and he really really loves me, despite all that has happened.

so try not to keep saying him ok? no relationship is smooth-sailing right?


i know you care. thanks peeps, for helping me get through this period and lending a listening eye. =)


update: i did a bit of rewording, cos the comment made me realise i wasn't clear in what i was trying to say. thanks for making me realise, unknown commenter.

http://community.livejournal.com/sgsecrets/

broken heart

i know and accept that whatever that is happening now is mostly my own fault.

what i want is to feel that he loves me, not leave me in the dark as he leads a seperate life that i dunno anything of. why can't he include me?

i wish for last time, for the strong feelings we had for each other, when he actually still missed me.

do u think i enjoy being paranoid? do u think i enjoy quarreling? both are at fault, if you ask me.


its just that you leave so many question marks and then expect me to keep quiet and not ask.




i guess......maybe......he doesn't love me as much anymore......


but....i will try; try till he tells me straight in my face that he doesn't love me anymore. try till he forces me to leave.



Because I know now, too late, that i love him.

confused

i'm so confused


what exactly is wrong now?


so many factors, so many things unclear.



i hate my life

solitary me..

he is unable to give me a 100 percent...i feel he just cant wait to get away from me...he is forcing himself to be a boyfriend to me.

he is not sure, he wants time to think about it before he makes a choice...again...then he tried being very nice to me for the whole day...forcing himself to have the feeling again.

what's the point? i couldnt just sit there and pretend nothings wrong and behave as normal when i keep thinking when, when will he say he wants to leave me???

am i so difficult to love?


he just agreed to take a break from each other so easily......so sad.......charmaine brought up the fact that he never even indicate for how long.....so am i supposed to wait indefinately??? without even knowing what the answer is until he decides to make a decision?


its only been a day, and he still calls and messages like nothing is wrong......im so confused......whats that meaning of this? is he pitying me? or feeling guilty?

its only been a day, and i already miss him so damn much

i dont want him to treat me well because of guilt.

***

last night, under the influence of alcohol, i sent an impulsive sms to him, "I'm so bored without you"........only to get a reply, "dun be like that, its only the first day.."

i hurt.



as i left to go home from union, the skies cried the tears that i was unable to shed. Exchanging sms-es as he warned me about the weather, and i asked him if he was going to take an umbrella to shelter me...half-jokingly of cos...but i hope..



exhausted by a chatty taxi driver, greeted by a barran void deck, i had the sudden impulse to just drench myself in the heavy, heavy rain. maybe it would make me feel better.


i satisfied myself by sitting there, as i inhaled.

waiting for the long long lift, suddenly, from the corner of my eye, i saw...him. he braved the rain to come shelter me....


im so touched that he did that for me; and i know he loves me, but i know its not an answer.




dear. thank you for at least making me happy for one night, when i was most down.

Reflections

I haven't been sleeping well..

ever since he told me all he said that night..


i feel so useless, so fucked up, so lost....


im not worth it at all.....

clinging on to the only hope that he loved me enough to come back and try again even though i did him wrong.
the only hope that he chose me instead......

but i wonder, what if he regrets?

now i dunno what to do, dunno where to go..

should i leave him alone to his own devices, even though i miss him so much every minute?
should i go out more, so he can have the personal time the he keeps requesting for?
should i stick closer, to rebuild the relationship?



i don't feel wanted anymore. =(

sometimes

when i look in the mirror


i see a stranger looking back at me

beautiful

saw this on http://www.perezhilton.com/ ....its absolutely beautiful

press "play", "pause" it and wait for it to fully load, and watch the whole thing straight.

her truly impressive performance of Somewhere Over The Rainbow on Britain's Got Talent.

such a young girl, with such a fantastic voice, so full of emotion and without music!

don't know why, but when i heard the little sweetie singing, my eyes filled up with tears...

emotions i felt i could not identify...


was it all the stresses of recent events fightng to be released through my over flowing eyes?

i had a headache trying to hold them in.




i never felt more alone.

...and the days turn to months

so sorry for the lack of updates....

was busy trying to finish my homework and discover the secret to self-preservation.

.....i'm trying......to forget, to forgive......to pretend nothing is wrong at all.....to pretend that we are not distant......



i just wish that he would make it easier for me.