thinking out loud

well....recently caught alex holding hands with his new gf; the day before still was msging me and saying he still care and all. What nonsense.

surprisingly i didn't feel upset or what....felt a bit sad and more disappointed though.


how can he keep acting like he is so pitiful when he is already in the midst of being with another girl? making me look and feel bad when i keep rejecting his "care" and concern". Like i'm so cruel.


well, after so many years, this is the first time i saw it right in front of my face.

but when i felt nothing, i knew that it was truely over. and i had finally, finally let go.


still, being human, i felt sucky for a while.

*

sometimes, when i'm all alone, i think back on what has happened and the things I have been through while attempting to fight the war of love. True, I have hurt, I have had my heart broken over and over, especally by the ones that i put in the most...but i still find courage to try again and again.

it has come to a point where i wish that I could find peace and stop searching for that perfect person. because, for all i know, he might not even exist. But I have been spoilt and have become jaded over the years, that i DO actually know what I want from my other half. Just that the ones that I'm with have a hard time fufilling what I want, cos they don't know what is it. Much as I proclaim that these factors are the ones I ask for, I do come close to admitting that maybe i really don't know what I want at all.

you see, we all have certain expectations of our partner. and sometimes our partner can't read our minds, and we make noise. That's where the arguement starts; more from frustration than anything else, cos both parties don't really know what they want. but if the partner can read minds, then he/she would be making it a profession instead. so how are we expected to understand the other point of view when our own clouds or judgement.

sometimes, its tiring to try and understand, or to be understanding.


i tell you, much as I hate being alone, I can't help but to wonder if all these relationships are the ones that make me lonely in the first place.

*

i love having someone to care about, who cares about me in the same way.

but i suddenly feel like i need to take a break...






......sometimes, i wouldn't mind going back to being single, just to connect with myself again.