a note to my beloved

darling,

you have been absent for so long.

i love you so much.....but....



.....i'm starting to get used to you not being around.
I don't want that to happen!


Don't make me a stranger.


Love,
Melissa

how can u say u love when you don't show love at all?

ugly me

just got my recent photos from huiqi...

i look terrible!


i wish i was photogenic.

my face sucks, my features are crooked, i need to lose weight, my hands and my legs are of a different shade due to my hours under the sun for work, my hair is so dry, everything sucks.

even photoshop can't help me now.


my self-esteem has reached an all-time low.
i don't feel loved. i feel so ugly.
i hate myself.

i wish......




i'm so tired.

giving up?

i was so so ready to give up.
so so ready to let it all go to preserve my sanity.

after letting go, i cried and cried...
wondering why? why didn't i matter at all?
all the effort, the tears....wasted.

then i wondered, why did i do that when i didn't really want to let go?
i guess i was giving it one last shot of faith that he would actually realise.



instead i got a question mark answer.


i don't want to think anymore.


i'm going crazy soon.


can you just tell me what is going on?
can you just give me a direct answer for once?!?!


*faint*

Clearer Mind

Recently feel much better...still thinking about it, but much better.

he is weird...how can you say you love someone but eliminate the person from your life?

Makes no sense whatsoever.

Shouldn't it be that if you care about someone you would want to call, or sms or be with the person everyday, as often as you can? It hurts me...


I don't believe much anymore.

The bigger the hope, the bigger the disappointment.


I can't handle anymore disappointment.

*

i feel like getting away from all this, change a new environment.

He is still in my mind, but I guess I just don't want to have the hope anymore when he obviously doesn't treasure me.

*


i might be trying out for SQ this month.

I think its a tad bimbo-ish, but i would savour in the experience.
It's not an easy job, nor a very difficult one.
I guess its a different kind of learning experience altogether.


Maybe I just want to leave everything behind, to start afresh.




Well, we'll see if there's any improvement.

if he wants me, he has to get me back.

It's time for WAR!

Just came back from a gruelling paintball session with my colleagues.

After the first round, I felt like I was going to faint!
That goes to show how unfit I was....the only consolation was that I wasn't the only one.

My gun kept jamming....so I was out of action many times.

now my whole body aches like hell.
standing up and walking is a torture!


Will update when I get the pictures.

...and we're back to square one

i'm so tired.

i don't want to be the spare.


i don't want to be the one that he falls back on.



i want a simple life and a stable relationship with the one i love that loves me.
Only me.

lonely saturday

got woken up at 10plus by a anonymous call.


and it was such good weather to sleep too.


wonder who it was?

once i woke memories came flooding back in my mind
couldn't sleep anymore.


i wish it was him.

mystery

had a bag of my favourite chips hanging at my door.

a note, with the words: " For: Melissa "



was it you darling?

so tired...

my eyes are closing.

so tired having to come to office after yesterday's exhausting trip.
had to drag myself out of bed.

today IMPORTrides need to be proofread before sending out for print.
I have articles to edit by today to be able to meet the deadline.
magazine has arrived, need to help with the subscription postings.

*

it doesn't help that my mind keeps wondering away.
he just keeps popping into my mind.

my heart has a jab of pain everytime it happens.

*

do i really not matter anymore, darling?


*

I have to try to get through each day.
trying to create activities to take up my time.

meeting my classmates for dinner later...
they will sure ask me why he never join us.
i have to be reminded again when i'm trying to forget.


*

i just want a simple life.



but my life consists of episode after episode of drama.
when everything seems to be going right, something will happen to make it wrong again.
I can never be happy.


I simply want to be happy.
Is that really so hard?

exhausted

i'm back from the Porsche event.
it was tiring but really fun!
will elaborate when i get the pictures.

*

with all the flurry yesterday, i felt much better, as i didnt have much time to think about him.
he did appear in my mind lots; but i pushed the memories away.

i was thinking, that i shouldn't have behaved the way i did the other night.
should have controlled my emotions.
but i was too hurt and disappointed to do so..

his silence cuts through my soul and i hurt every second....but he will never know it.
i will never be his first priority.


as long as he is happy.

*

watched Sex and the City the other night.
yoohoo story of my life.

i could feel the sadness streaming through me. i was trying to hold the tears in but i couldn't.

its all so familiar...so so familiar...


charging up memories that i tried so hard to forget.


i wanna watch it again. it helps me cry.

*


i will try to get on with my life.


everything happens for a reason i guess.



i can just hope.....and pray.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And now faith, hope, and love abide, but the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians. 13:4-13

I love you, my prune.

Porsche Charity Track Day

I have to go to Sepang for a Porsche event tomorrow.

First time to an event overseas alone, armed with a camera I have no idea how to use, a whole list of things I need to do and heavy magazines that I have to lug around.

I think it might be fun, as its my first time on the track, to have the first look at the new 911 GT3 RSR first ever test run, and to be driven around in the 911 GT3 Cup Cars by the cup drivers. All the while carrying the magazines and that stupid camera.

I have to be at Porsche Centre, Sungei Kadut at 6am tomorrow morning, to be ferried to Sepang [hope i get some sleep]. The event lasts the whole day and ETA in Singapore is 10pm.

I'm gonna be so fucking tired. Wonder if I can come into work later on Friday morning.


The worst thing is, I have to smile and pretend I'm ok.


*

Every few seconds, you pop in my head; everything I do, I am reminded of you.
Everywhere I look, I see you. Do you see me?


*

Sex and the City

Its finally out. After waiting for so long.

Have been looking forward to the movie, and wanted to recap all my series to be better prepared for the ending. and was planning to watch it with a certain someone....

well....

i shall watch it soon. Hope it makes me laugh.

p.s can't think of anything witty to say.

mopey mood

*

come back when you are done.
i can't live without you.

do you feel the same way?

will you ever feel the same way?


*

....and the world comes crumbling down

he is so selfish.

disregarding my feelings, not bothering how i would feel.
what kind of compromise is that?


i'm so tired.


*

my heart bleeds.

but life still goes on.


with or without him.


*


i am not a place to fall-back on.
no matter how much i love him, it's time to think for myself instead, to save whatever dignity i have left.



if he really feels what he said he feels, if he's ever coming back, he'd have to work for it.
it's time he showed me that I matter, rather than empty words.
lies, all lies..

*

darling, why?

*

i'm not gonna get hurt anymore.

hurdle after hurdle

"The virtue of true love is not finding the perfect person, but
loving an imperfect person perfectly."

After going through so much, we still managed to stick together.

Now, as we face yet another obstacle, i pray that it would be ok.

Is this a sign? That its not meant to be?

Or is it a test by Him, to make our love stronger; to make us stronger.

well, if its meant to be, it will be.

God has a plan.