haiz

its one of those days...

where everything seems to go wrong..right from the start...

am i really such a bad person?

i need to stop making excuses for myself...

sometimes, i just feel too tired to go on.


dear, am i really such a bad person in your heart?

im trying my best to work hard, to build up my career...

there's no encouragement, just skepticism.


trying to please everybody.


dear, do you really hate me that much?




sometimes i feel, there's no point going on this road.

i don't have the strength anymore.

confusion

i'm so so tired...every week seems to be so long and draggy...
i'm also sick, every muscle in my body aches...
i'm sad too, everytime my mind wanders again my heart gets a shot of pain.


i dunno why im feeling so depressed.
i dunno why my feeling tells me its not right.


i just feel like being alone.

i wish i could just sleep and never wake up.


Love so strong it hurts so badly.


...or maybe its PMS.

new job

okay...finally the update on my new job!

i am now a writer at HotStuff Magazine!

for those koo-koos who have never read HotStuff before, its an aftermarket automotive magazine; in other words, car magazine for tiong cars!

its like a dream come true!


but, it really takes up a lot of time. during production, everyone stays late to rush stuff.
when i say late, i mean LATE.

on friday they stayed till 6AM!!!!!!!!

ohmigod.




well......events and everything are also eating up my time....its great, i don't deny this is what i enjoy..
but then ah....
very tiring leh.

and then i got less time for him.



haiz....

will post more details when i have the mood. and pictures!!


p.s: i will be in the next issue! please go buy to support; or go kinokuniya and flip through hor!

super shagged out!

sorry for the lack of posts...

the new car, together with the new job, is sapping up all my blogging time, not to mention my sleeping-reading-playinggame-shopping-staringintospace time.

promise to update asap!

My long-time Lust

I finally found what I was looking for, and finally have the money to get it!

Mission Betty Flyweight Ice Hockey Skates!

isn't it just gorgeous?!?!?

couldn't find them in Singapore so found it on an online store. Am waiting for the person to get back to me on a price quote.

my own skates were leaving trails of broken bits of rubber the last time i used them......

it is soooo much cheaper now! used to retail in Singapore for $799, but now, its only US$59.99!

of cos its a bit out of style already...but who cares!!

im gonna get one for myself and one for Charmaine for her birthday pressie!

hope the fella gets back to me soon.....

class gathering

went for class gathering on wed...

was chatting with chuan wei, who kept having a glum face on, when i jokingly asked him:

"Why do you always look so depressed? You enjoy it ah?"

to which he answered:

"Sometimes being depressed is quite enjoyable. Why not give in to your true feelings?"

and with a knowing smile he added:

"At least I don't hide my unhappiness like you."



damn. am i so transparent?

closing my eyes

i force myself not to think anymore...
so that we can all be happy..
occasionally, it flits in my mind....
are they still contacting? is he still lying to me? is he doing anything behind my back?
i hurt.


i quit my job...
so am actively looking for another now.


i guess, part of me died that day
when he wanted to leave and just end it.
its all my fault and it will always be my fault.

i guess thats why the ache in my heart has lessened..
because i have lost hope
and not because i learn to let go...
or is it?


it doesn't really matter anymore..
even though i still think about it.
there's no point isn't it? to think and make yourself miserable.


i've been sad enough.


so maybe just blindly groping in the dark is better.
cos we are happy now.

yawn

i am sooooooooooo tired!

work is horrible......can you believe that i don't even have time to eat? thank God i brought bread or i'd probably have to crawl home....


no time for break at all....everyday is rush rush rush......theres a deadline for this document, for that submission, for this updating......i can hardly stand up once i finis work.....


stupid system


*


anyway he's in KL for work now....
i guess my posts have been kinda depressing recently...sorry bout that.


i miss him....wonder if he misses me?
or is he glad to finally have a break away from me?


i think i think too much.....

but i can't help it! it comes naturally...
although if work keeps going on like this, i wouldn't have much brain cells to be able to think anymore.....


haiz.

i wish i could just let go.
not let anything or anyone bother me
live my life happily
with the one i love

why did i realise too late that i love you?
why do i always feel you don't love me back?

why can't you realise why i do what i do?
why do you want me to accept whatever you do?
why cant you accept what I do?


when will this war end?

oversaturated

he is still calling and smsing that girl...


he promised me he wouldnt...now he blames me for being selfish and that he just wants to keep her as a normal friend.


he even changed the name of her contact to another name...



i can never win any arguement with him....he twists everything and i have nothing to say...


why can't he listen to me for once, make me happy, maintain this relationship?


instead of keeping her in his life with the risk of breaking our relationship?


my heart aches.


he said he would gradually stop it, and that he felt guilty towards her cos he just left without a word.....so how long is this going to last? it seems like no end.


i dunno what to do anymore....


he says im possessive, overly suspicious...i agree i am paranoid.....


but who wants to share? which girl wants someone around that threatens the balance of a relationship?


why doesn't he ever understand and think about how I feel for once.


i know that its only a friend...but is she so important that he can't let her go? when he knows that if i find out it will shake us?


why can't i accept that she is just a friend? why must i make things worse?

so many questions in my head that he won't answer.


he said he would try to gradually stop contact.....i wish i could wait.




my world is crumbling.

pangs of nostalgia

i wish he wouldn't shout at me...wish he could have a better temper...wish when i showed my temper he wouldn't make it seem like i shouldn't...

*

only one more day till i start my new job. 1st August. my first REAL job...

i really hope that it would be ok and that i would have more encouragement from everybody...everyone seems to have doubts about the job.....making me feel less confident with every criticism that i encounter...


well.....i shall try and see how it goes.......for the money. of cos it would be best if i enjoyed it too lah.

*

just heard from charlene that one couple in our clique, the youngest one in fact, may and wing, are saving $500 EACH every month for their future together....

leading me to think of us.


we haven't been saving for the longest time ever...i know he got his obligations and all.....but there's still no mention of any savings plan that we should adopt...

when i tried to mention, he asked me not to go out too often, that i was always going out.......


-_-


i know that he has spent a lot on me cos of my unemployed status and all...but sometimes, i just wish that he would mention that he was thinking of our savings plan for our future....it would be enough for me....

with the house slowly being built everyday...


and the car is coming....he spends more time thinking what he would get for the car, what to change, when to buy what.....


just for ONCE, i wish i was in his plans.

worse comes to worse, when the house is almost done and we haven't enough money for renovation, we need a plan to sabotage and delay the completion of the flat e.g cutting trees, drawing on freshly-painted walls, make the lifts not work, etc....


who's with me?

*

i don't even dare to think of geting married anymore; don't want to mention the wedding package, the ring, the dinner.....

when i see bridal shops, bridal magazines, peopel getting married, people proposing.....i just feel a tinge of sadness and have a mild ache in the heart....


i don't want to dream, just to get disappointed.....


i don't need anything unaffordable, now even getting registered i would be happy. I would even PAY for it. only $20++.


but of cos i hope to get a proposal lah.



but seems highly unlikely at the moment....=(

brain-dead

sometimes i just require some assurance.....just a hug, letting me know that everything's ok...

instead i get accusatory stares, sarcastic remarks,scoldings......


tears and more tears...



when will he have the patience to get me through it & be there for me when i need him, instead of brushing me off like i am an irritating housefly...



at times like this...




sometimes i just wish something would happen to me so i can see who will cry for my pain.

The Simpsons Movie

watched The Simpsons Movie with him, my brother, Yenlin and Gracie!~

I haven't laughed so much for a long time! I think we all needed a laugh.

i particularly liked this part!

Enjoy!!

i love surprises!!

i was at home, happily minding my own business, when he suddenly appeared at my bedroom door!!

he was supposedly on the way home still, at least, that was what he said when we were on the phone 2mins ago.

i think he has a superpower.

anyway, he smiled and produced a plastic bag from behind his bag [note: still think he has superpowers]...

it was a gift for me!!! my absolute favourite!! something that i have been lusting after for a long time but was too broke to get:

i was so touched......he hasn't done something like that for a long time.....oh happy day!

i feel SO loved....*goofy grin on face* =)

Thank you dear!~

Finally!!

he brought me to watch harry potter!!


unfortunately, it wasn't as fantastic as it should be...seems like a flashback kinda movie, with no apparant links, and they even changed the storyline!! [Cho Chang's friend was the one that betrayed the DA, not Cho!! and Hagrid was suppose to introduce Thestrals during class, not Luna, who brought Harry to the forest to feed the Thestrals.]

it was like you were expected to know the story already, and watching it just to have a visual image.....



wasted.

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows

Finally!!! the book is finally out!!!

i pre-ordered the adult version weeks before at a popular bookstore, being the kiasu Singaporean that I was.

But when i arrived at the bookstore to get the treasure, thy told me that they were out of the adult version, and only had the children's version left.

Now I mean it was the same book.

But I wanted the ADULT VERSION!!!

Shouldn't they be ordering enough books to fill the orders? Isn't that what pre-ordering is for??

I bought it anyway.....after waiting for so long I can't wait another second longer.

Now, excuse me while I put on my witch's hat and disappear.

till i finish the book!

just a thought..

i know he loves me....

maybe he's just not loving me in the way that i want him to?
different way of doing things you know..


that could prove a problem.

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emotionally exhausted

it was a tough weekend...

quarrel after quarrel....

with him asking me to leave again....


we seem to be on different wavelengths...he doesn't understand why i behave the way i do.


and he just keeps adopting the "i'm right, you're wrong" attitude...

i'm starting to become paranoid, angry and picking at everything again.

now, i suddenly know why i'm so angry; why i keep pleading for him to show love and care, why i crave the comfort and concern...



i am afraid.


i fear he is back with me just because of habit, to complete his plan.

i fear that everytime he chases me away, is because he really wants to, and is using our quarrels as an excuse.

i fear that he will change his mind, that once i let go of my focus that i will nver be able to find my way back.



i fear that he no longer loves me.

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