I'm back from Auckland.
I wanted to go out and drown my sorrows in a blissful afternoon of mindless money spending but i got too lazy to do it, like i have been recently.
after starting flying, all i want to do when i'm home is to drink endless mugs of sweet tea, play games and basically do nothing. even thinking about dressing up, putting on makeup to go out, makes me feel so tired! i mean, i miss hanging out with my friends, i miss responding to last minute calls for a night's out, i miss feeling gorgeous and feeling good about myself. I wonder if i will get that feeling again.
I have been making a detour down the well-trodden path of long ago. i'm sure yet still not sure; scared to fall again. scared to stop and look back and wonder again. i don't know if i want to do this or not.
i wish everything was clearer.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
all served out
sorry for the lack of updates..
i've been so tired recently, that all my free time is dedicated to sleep, reading and playing games.
plus i have no idea where i put my card reader, so i can't upload any pictures lor.
am resting after a BKK turn yesterday, and will be going to Auckland tomorrow evening and back on sunday.
My roster for next month is not too bad, except that i have four turns and four full day standbys. So tiring! i got called up for a Columbo turn on my last standby and it was damn tiring loR!! the call lights went on like christmas lights and i didn't get any chance to rest for the whole trip! i just hope i dun get called up during Auckland cos I am on standby there too..
well, shall update soon ya?
i've been so tired recently, that all my free time is dedicated to sleep, reading and playing games.
plus i have no idea where i put my card reader, so i can't upload any pictures lor.
am resting after a BKK turn yesterday, and will be going to Auckland tomorrow evening and back on sunday.
My roster for next month is not too bad, except that i have four turns and four full day standbys. So tiring! i got called up for a Columbo turn on my last standby and it was damn tiring loR!! the call lights went on like christmas lights and i didn't get any chance to rest for the whole trip! i just hope i dun get called up during Auckland cos I am on standby there too..
well, shall update soon ya?
Friday, October 31, 2008
sad day
my friend commited suicide by jumping from the seventh storey of a multi storey carpark.
she struggled and passed away from multiple internal injuries; plus she hit her head and her brain was clogged with blood....her brain died an hour after the shock. her kidneys ruptured, and her bones were shattered.
she just turned 21.
i wish i knew her better.
we still dunno why she did what she did....
but it doesn't seem that she did what she did.
its weird.
she struggled and passed away from multiple internal injuries; plus she hit her head and her brain was clogged with blood....her brain died an hour after the shock. her kidneys ruptured, and her bones were shattered.
she just turned 21.
i wish i knew her better.
we still dunno why she did what she did....
but it doesn't seem that she did what she did.
its weird.
Rest In Peace, Regine.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The beginning of a new journey
I'm back!
Osaka and Perth was great!
I met some really nice people and made many new friends.
wonder if we'll keep in contact or ever see each other again...
didn't buy much things, due to the short time there and also cos i didn't know where to go..
but i bought mostly food stuffs!
tidbits and crackers and chips and all haha!
will upload pics and give details soon!!
Osaka and Perth was great!
I met some really nice people and made many new friends.
wonder if we'll keep in contact or ever see each other again...
didn't buy much things, due to the short time there and also cos i didn't know where to go..
but i bought mostly food stuffs!
tidbits and crackers and chips and all haha!
will upload pics and give details soon!!
Monday, October 06, 2008
Busy Busy
The past few weeks have been a blur....yet it seems like so much time has passed.
I just completed my SEP training, with ongoing exams today and tomorrow.
It was only 6 days.
yet it seemed like 6 weeks.
i wonder why time seems to be moving so fast yet so slowly.
**
sometimes i wish that i was still with HOTstuff, enjoying the bustle, stressing out over stressful things, deadlines and photoshoots.
sometimes i think back and i wished i did things in other ways, rather than how i reacted.
i suddenly don't feel like flying anymore.
but i miss my batch mates when they are not around.
i always feel so happy to see them, and i even wake in the weekend, missing classes.
crazy.
**
apart from exams, we have to prepare a performance for our graduation.
which is a waste of ime, if you ask me.
with all the training and exams going on, who has time to plan and organise so many things!
and it doesn't help that the foreign crew are not very responsive, and expect the graduation to just form itself. I became chairman without my knowledge. and i tell you, it's a pain when you are facing this shit when you already have so much on your mind!
no thanks to kai and christine to keep pushing me to have some action.
**
i think there might be something wrong with me.
i hate having my heart broken...it doesn't seem to heal properly.
maybe i'm just a horrible person that no one cares about.
i feel ugly.
**
i think i need plastic surgery.
**
my thoughts are so random hor.
i need more intellectual stimulation.
I just completed my SEP training, with ongoing exams today and tomorrow.
It was only 6 days.
yet it seemed like 6 weeks.
i wonder why time seems to be moving so fast yet so slowly.
**
sometimes i wish that i was still with HOTstuff, enjoying the bustle, stressing out over stressful things, deadlines and photoshoots.
sometimes i think back and i wished i did things in other ways, rather than how i reacted.
i suddenly don't feel like flying anymore.
but i miss my batch mates when they are not around.
i always feel so happy to see them, and i even wake in the weekend, missing classes.
crazy.
**
apart from exams, we have to prepare a performance for our graduation.
which is a waste of ime, if you ask me.
with all the training and exams going on, who has time to plan and organise so many things!
and it doesn't help that the foreign crew are not very responsive, and expect the graduation to just form itself. I became chairman without my knowledge. and i tell you, it's a pain when you are facing this shit when you already have so much on your mind!
no thanks to kai and christine to keep pushing me to have some action.
**
i think there might be something wrong with me.
i hate having my heart broken...it doesn't seem to heal properly.
maybe i'm just a horrible person that no one cares about.
i feel ugly.
**
i think i need plastic surgery.
**
my thoughts are so random hor.
i need more intellectual stimulation.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Lousy Week
it was a horrible week.
first my grandmother passed away.
then i heard some stuff that made me so upset.
my heart aches.
that morning, i dropped my compact on the floor.
it shattered and all the bits of pressed powder was all over the floor.
i was crying when i cleaned it up.
christine was mean to me; kinda.
i was trying to tell her some stuff cos i was feeling down, then she made some unfeeling comment.
i almost cried; and ignored her cos i would either burst into tears or lose my temper.
it was a trying week for me.
i'm so drained.
*
a weird thing happened.
my mum called and asked me if i lit a joss stick for the alter today.
i didn't.
she came home to find that a joss stick was there;
but it was lit UPSIDE-DOWN.
she was the only one who lit a joss stick today.
and was cracking her head to remember if she accidently lit it wrongly.
alex said it might be a sign that my grandma visited us and left a mark.
it was the seventh day of her passing.
natural she came home for the last time cos she lived here.
my goosebumps stood up.
but its my own grandma, anyway.
i seriously hope tomorrow is a better day.
first my grandmother passed away.
then i heard some stuff that made me so upset.
my heart aches.
that morning, i dropped my compact on the floor.
it shattered and all the bits of pressed powder was all over the floor.
i was crying when i cleaned it up.
christine was mean to me; kinda.
i was trying to tell her some stuff cos i was feeling down, then she made some unfeeling comment.
i almost cried; and ignored her cos i would either burst into tears or lose my temper.
it was a trying week for me.
i'm so drained.
*
a weird thing happened.
my mum called and asked me if i lit a joss stick for the alter today.
i didn't.
she came home to find that a joss stick was there;
but it was lit UPSIDE-DOWN.
she was the only one who lit a joss stick today.
and was cracking her head to remember if she accidently lit it wrongly.
alex said it might be a sign that my grandma visited us and left a mark.
it was the seventh day of her passing.
natural she came home for the last time cos she lived here.
my goosebumps stood up.
but its my own grandma, anyway.
i seriously hope tomorrow is a better day.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Relationships
I think I'm destined to fail in relationships.
the ones who love me i dun treasure; the ones who I care about don't give a fuck about me.
I went to look at Ivan's friendster profile.
New pictures of him and that girl.
and the chaser.
i got kinda upset...melancholic.
**
sometimes i think, maybe there's something wrong with me?
when i give it my best and put in my heart, something inevitably goes wrong.
and i get my heart broken.
maybe there's something really wrong with me.
maybe i'm not good enough.
the ones who love me i dun treasure; the ones who I care about don't give a fuck about me.
I went to look at Ivan's friendster profile.
New pictures of him and that girl.
and the chaser.
i got kinda upset...melancholic.
**
sometimes i think, maybe there's something wrong with me?
when i give it my best and put in my heart, something inevitably goes wrong.
and i get my heart broken.
maybe there's something really wrong with me.
maybe i'm not good enough.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My First Flight!
I got details of my first training flight!
I'll be going to Osaka on 23rd October! And Perth on 26th!
it's kinda shitty though, cos i won't be flying with Christine, but Renee instead.
I don't really talk to Renee, and I was hoping that could fly with Christine... =(
so upset!
and Osaka is an overnight flight!
Both flights only stay there for 24hrs.
Fly today, come home tomorrow.
-_-
anyway, i heard that Japanese passengers can be demanding.
They don't say when they are unhappy and tell you everything's fine.
But they send a complaint letter after that!!
Maybe its cos they expect the best service! and they are too polite to say anything in your face.
oh i'm so worried.
what if i get a complaint on my first flight??
and training flight somemore.
i will try my best.
Wish me luck!
I'll be going to Osaka on 23rd October! And Perth on 26th!
it's kinda shitty though, cos i won't be flying with Christine, but Renee instead.
I don't really talk to Renee, and I was hoping that could fly with Christine... =(
so upset!
and Osaka is an overnight flight!
Both flights only stay there for 24hrs.
Fly today, come home tomorrow.
-_-
anyway, i heard that Japanese passengers can be demanding.
They don't say when they are unhappy and tell you everything's fine.
But they send a complaint letter after that!!
Maybe its cos they expect the best service! and they are too polite to say anything in your face.
oh i'm so worried.
what if i get a complaint on my first flight??
and training flight somemore.
i will try my best.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A painful loss
My grandmother passed away on 12th September, Friday.
She had struggled with cancer for the past six years.
She was strong and never complained, enduring the painful treatments and trying out new drugs in a bid to be healthy again.
She lost the battle with cancer.
My grandmother is 76.
*
These five days, we have been at the wake;
Keeping awake the whole night, protecting my grandmother as she laid frail and peaceful in her coffin.
she has become so thin.
her body bears the scars of the many blood tests and medicines that were used to try and cure her, but in vain.
she is but a shadow of the bubbly person she used to be.
*
as we went through the simple rites to lead her into the other side, we took a last look before the coffin was sealed forever. I can't accept it. She looks like she is just sleeping. its so surreal; i can't believe she is really gone.
i was filled with regret as i recalled how little i did, so caught up in my own life, instead of treating her better. I brushed her off when she tried to chat with me, as I disliked her nagging. She gave me advice and concern when i was upset; took care of me when I was sick. Although we weren't very close, these years that she lived in my house, we managed to create a neutral relationship.
i helped her paint her nails, i helped her take the rap when my mum was being unreasonable. I laughed with her, I bought food for her. I tried to care. But now i feel that I could have done so much more.
*
I wish I painted her nails again before she left us. I know she would like to have nicely painted nails when she left this world. I wish i did that for her.
*
we had to push the hearse to the main road, as we sent our grandmother on the path to her final journey. my tears just flowed freely. its so unfair. i don't believe its real.
we watched as the coffin was sent to be cremated. words cannot describe the sorrow we felt.
*
Rest in Peace Grandmother.
She had struggled with cancer for the past six years.
She was strong and never complained, enduring the painful treatments and trying out new drugs in a bid to be healthy again.
She lost the battle with cancer.
My grandmother is 76.
*
These five days, we have been at the wake;
Keeping awake the whole night, protecting my grandmother as she laid frail and peaceful in her coffin.
she has become so thin.
her body bears the scars of the many blood tests and medicines that were used to try and cure her, but in vain.
she is but a shadow of the bubbly person she used to be.
*
as we went through the simple rites to lead her into the other side, we took a last look before the coffin was sealed forever. I can't accept it. She looks like she is just sleeping. its so surreal; i can't believe she is really gone.
i was filled with regret as i recalled how little i did, so caught up in my own life, instead of treating her better. I brushed her off when she tried to chat with me, as I disliked her nagging. She gave me advice and concern when i was upset; took care of me when I was sick. Although we weren't very close, these years that she lived in my house, we managed to create a neutral relationship.
i helped her paint her nails, i helped her take the rap when my mum was being unreasonable. I laughed with her, I bought food for her. I tried to care. But now i feel that I could have done so much more.
*
I wish I painted her nails again before she left us. I know she would like to have nicely painted nails when she left this world. I wish i did that for her.
*
we had to push the hearse to the main road, as we sent our grandmother on the path to her final journey. my tears just flowed freely. its so unfair. i don't believe its real.
we watched as the coffin was sent to be cremated. words cannot describe the sorrow we felt.
*
Rest in Peace Grandmother.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
new environment
sorry for the lack of updates!
I have been so busy nowadays!
training and all is fun so far!
but gets a bit boring after a while!
and i gained so much weight cos of having so many breaks during the day!
my friends commented that my face is very round now......=(
i need to lose weight!!!!!!
well....recently have been regulars at the SIA Sports Club.
me and my batch mates, christine and jimmy, have been going to the pub there after a long day of training to have a jug or two before heading home.
i'm sooo lucky to have them by my side!
training doesn't seem as torturous now!
on the downside, every morning is a big hassle and rush, as i have to apply full makeup and bun my hair before leaving for training! I am still trying to do the french twist, but in vain...
with the bun and makeup, i look like a chinese acrobat street performer.
*
well.....my love life is a bit complicated at this point in time, stagnant actually.
so no complaints there.
*
went to visit my grandma at the hospice yesterday.
she is just slowly deteriorating.
so painful to see her becoming so skeletal, and so weak.
but i'd rather she stop struggling and give up, so that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.
doctor says it would probably be these few days.
well...
*
i will try to update pictures and more intelligent posts soon ya?
now i just want to rest.
I have been so busy nowadays!
training and all is fun so far!
but gets a bit boring after a while!
and i gained so much weight cos of having so many breaks during the day!
my friends commented that my face is very round now......=(
i need to lose weight!!!!!!
well....recently have been regulars at the SIA Sports Club.
me and my batch mates, christine and jimmy, have been going to the pub there after a long day of training to have a jug or two before heading home.
i'm sooo lucky to have them by my side!
training doesn't seem as torturous now!
on the downside, every morning is a big hassle and rush, as i have to apply full makeup and bun my hair before leaving for training! I am still trying to do the french twist, but in vain...
with the bun and makeup, i look like a chinese acrobat street performer.
*
well.....my love life is a bit complicated at this point in time, stagnant actually.
so no complaints there.
*
went to visit my grandma at the hospice yesterday.
she is just slowly deteriorating.
so painful to see her becoming so skeletal, and so weak.
but i'd rather she stop struggling and give up, so that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.
doctor says it would probably be these few days.
well...
*
i will try to update pictures and more intelligent posts soon ya?
now i just want to rest.
Friday, August 08, 2008
One closed door
This is my last day in HOTstuff.
Mixed feelings, leaving behind all the things and people that I love and care about.
But i have my new path to look forward to.
kinda scary though.
Mixed feelings, leaving behind all the things and people that I love and care about.
But i have my new path to look forward to.
kinda scary though.
Monday, August 04, 2008
present for me!~
my dad smsed me and told me to come home early cos he had a gift for me.
i asked him was it a car? a plane? was it pink?
i went home to find a box on my bed.
i opened it to find.....a HP2133!!~
i asked him was it a car? a plane? was it pink?
i went home to find a box on my bed.
i opened it to find.....a HP2133!!~
its a mini-lappie!! 9inches! with webcam and all!
my dad said that i could carry it around when i fly and use it to MSN home if there's internet connection!
so happy!!
Saturday, August 02, 2008
complaint!!
i got a complaint!
my latest bitchy article angered the crap out of a moron and he wrote a complaint email in!
i think he is too free lor.
of cos i write what i think, then should i stick to boring stuff like gas prices and CNG?
he made it sound like i am not allowed to voice out my opinions.
i guess he's probably offended cos he identified himself with one of the character classifications that i mentioned in my recent article.
not happy then dun read lah!
say i pull down the standard of the magazine somemore.
i gave it leverage ok.
the poor guy probably doesn't have much friends, and his favourite pastime is probably finding fault with people, and counting the number of words in magazine articles.
Loser.
Monday, July 28, 2008
wake up call
last week was kind of a blur.
i drank and drank...then i woke up and everything was fresh again
i drank and drank...then i woke up and everything was fresh again
im so lucky to have people who care, who believe in me
who loves me for who i am, without judging me.
so what if i can't find true love now? it doesn't matter to me much anymore
so long as i have my friends, and my loved ones beside me every step of the way.
i might not know what i want, but i know what i DON'T want.
and i have to take the first step to eliminate what's bad for me
i'm much happier with what i have left, instead of worrying over what i'm going to lose.
i believe i will have my turn; maybe not anytime soon, but someday...
with each bold step i take, i'm following my destiny, that may lead me to my eventual happiness.
I just want to be happy.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Tiring Saturday
I went to attend SGTrackies' Drift Clinic event today.
It was held at that fateful place, Changi Exhibition Centre, again.
I get hit with so many memories when im there.
Guess what?
I was happily walking along, and minding my own business, when from the corner of my eyes, i saw a couple. They were sitting comfortably in one of the buildings, watching the drifting. I approached and took a glance.
it was him.....with her.
all the past memories suddenly hit me like a rock.
when he approached my way with her hanging on his arm.
when he knew that i was coming, and he insisted that she followed him against his will.
when he shifted all the blame to me, by believing in rumours and pulling up my past.
when i found out she was still around.
when i tried to be nice and explain and make him trust me.
when he ran away, leaving me alone with them.
when he left me, to give her another chance.
and to think that i tried to believe.
but surprisingly, i didn't hurt.
my mind just went blank.
i already guessed, although he was avoiding answering when i asked.
i just walked past them, pretending that i didn't see them.
i contemplated going up to say hi or something.
But i only have enough control to walk away and regard them as renovation materials.
i don't think i can stand trying to make conversation.
i'm not strong enough for that.
*
i just want to be loved.
to have someone that i love who loves me
who belongs wholeheartedly to me.
i should have the right to choose shouldn't i?
and not be forced.
*
i hate him. for the wuss that he is.
i hate myself for being so stupid.
i hate Changi Exhibition Centre.
It was held at that fateful place, Changi Exhibition Centre, again.
I get hit with so many memories when im there.
Guess what?
I was happily walking along, and minding my own business, when from the corner of my eyes, i saw a couple. They were sitting comfortably in one of the buildings, watching the drifting. I approached and took a glance.
it was him.....with her.
all the past memories suddenly hit me like a rock.
when he approached my way with her hanging on his arm.
when he knew that i was coming, and he insisted that she followed him against his will.
when he shifted all the blame to me, by believing in rumours and pulling up my past.
when i found out she was still around.
when i tried to be nice and explain and make him trust me.
when he ran away, leaving me alone with them.
when he left me, to give her another chance.
and to think that i tried to believe.
but surprisingly, i didn't hurt.
my mind just went blank.
i already guessed, although he was avoiding answering when i asked.
i just walked past them, pretending that i didn't see them.
i contemplated going up to say hi or something.
But i only have enough control to walk away and regard them as renovation materials.
i don't think i can stand trying to make conversation.
i'm not strong enough for that.
*
i just want to be loved.
to have someone that i love who loves me
who belongs wholeheartedly to me.
i should have the right to choose shouldn't i?
and not be forced.
*
i hate him. for the wuss that he is.
i hate myself for being so stupid.
i hate Changi Exhibition Centre.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
low esteem
My horoscope for today:
it made me feel better. i need words of encouragement more than ever now.
have been rather down recently.
thinking about stuff before and at present.
my confidence and esteem level is at its all time low.
i feel ugly, i feel low, i feel unhappy.
maybe its cos its that time of the month.
so tired from everything.
*
now im frantically trying to clear all my stuff before i leave.
im not sure if i can do that.
my editor's threatening me with my early release cos i'm so slack nowadays.
can i help it if i don't really give a fuck anymore?
"You possess an original mind and singular expression that makes you so unique and special. Give yourself credit for being one-of-a-kind. Anyone who's with you is a lucky person, and don't you forget it!"
it made me feel better. i need words of encouragement more than ever now.
have been rather down recently.
thinking about stuff before and at present.
my confidence and esteem level is at its all time low.
i feel ugly, i feel low, i feel unhappy.
maybe its cos its that time of the month.
so tired from everything.
*
now im frantically trying to clear all my stuff before i leave.
im not sure if i can do that.
my editor's threatening me with my early release cos i'm so slack nowadays.
can i help it if i don't really give a fuck anymore?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
i believe i can fly
well.....have officially been confirmed!
managed to convince my boss to let me off in a month's time.
so my last day is august 8th.
my training starts on August 14th.
i hope everything goes well....
*
have tried to get back in the dating game......but i realise that i can't bring myself to play anymore.....so tiring, and it so different and so difficult!
last time was so much easier...
maybe i'm losing my charm?
damn.
managed to convince my boss to let me off in a month's time.
so my last day is august 8th.
my training starts on August 14th.
i hope everything goes well....
*
have tried to get back in the dating game......but i realise that i can't bring myself to play anymore.....so tiring, and it so different and so difficult!
last time was so much easier...
maybe i'm losing my charm?
damn.
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