Lousy Week

it was a horrible week.

first my grandmother passed away.

then i heard some stuff that made me so upset.
my heart aches.

that morning, i dropped my compact on the floor.
it shattered and all the bits of pressed powder was all over the floor.

i was crying when i cleaned it up.

christine was mean to me; kinda.
i was trying to tell her some stuff cos i was feeling down, then she made some unfeeling comment.

i almost cried; and ignored her cos i would either burst into tears or lose my temper.



it was a trying week for me.
i'm so drained.


*


a weird thing happened.

my mum called and asked me if i lit a joss stick for the alter today.
i didn't.

she came home to find that a joss stick was there;
but it was lit UPSIDE-DOWN.

she was the only one who lit a joss stick today.
and was cracking her head to remember if she accidently lit it wrongly.


alex said it might be a sign that my grandma visited us and left a mark.
it was the seventh day of her passing.
natural she came home for the last time cos she lived here.


my goosebumps stood up.

but its my own grandma, anyway.


i seriously hope tomorrow is a better day.

Relationships

I think I'm destined to fail in relationships.

the ones who love me i dun treasure; the ones who I care about don't give a fuck about me.


I went to look at Ivan's friendster profile.
New pictures of him and that girl.

and the chaser.


i got kinda upset...melancholic.

**

sometimes i think, maybe there's something wrong with me?
when i give it my best and put in my heart, something inevitably goes wrong.

and i get my heart broken.



maybe there's something really wrong with me.


maybe i'm not good enough.

My First Flight!

I got details of my first training flight!

I'll be going to Osaka on 23rd October! And Perth on 26th!


it's kinda shitty though, cos i won't be flying with Christine, but Renee instead.
I don't really talk to Renee, and I was hoping that could fly with Christine... =(

so upset!

and Osaka is an overnight flight!
Both flights only stay there for 24hrs.
Fly today, come home tomorrow.

-_-


anyway, i heard that Japanese passengers can be demanding.
They don't say when they are unhappy and tell you everything's fine.
But they send a complaint letter after that!!

Maybe its cos they expect the best service! and they are too polite to say anything in your face.


oh i'm so worried.
what if i get a complaint on my first flight??
and training flight somemore.


i will try my best.

Wish me luck!

A painful loss

My grandmother passed away on 12th September, Friday.

She had struggled with cancer for the past six years.
She was strong and never complained, enduring the painful treatments and trying out new drugs in a bid to be healthy again.

She lost the battle with cancer.

My grandmother is 76.


*


These five days, we have been at the wake;
Keeping awake the whole night, protecting my grandmother as she laid frail and peaceful in her coffin.

she has become so thin.
her body bears the scars of the many blood tests and medicines that were used to try and cure her, but in vain.
she is but a shadow of the bubbly person she used to be.


*


as we went through the simple rites to lead her into the other side, we took a last look before the coffin was sealed forever. I can't accept it. She looks like she is just sleeping. its so surreal; i can't believe she is really gone.

i was filled with regret as i recalled how little i did, so caught up in my own life, instead of treating her better. I brushed her off when she tried to chat with me, as I disliked her nagging. She gave me advice and concern when i was upset; took care of me when I was sick. Although we weren't very close, these years that she lived in my house, we managed to create a neutral relationship.

i helped her paint her nails, i helped her take the rap when my mum was being unreasonable. I laughed with her, I bought food for her. I tried to care. But now i feel that I could have done so much more.


*


I wish I painted her nails again before she left us. I know she would like to have nicely painted nails when she left this world. I wish i did that for her.


*


we had to push the hearse to the main road, as we sent our grandmother on the path to her final journey. my tears just flowed freely. its so unfair. i don't believe its real.

we watched as the coffin was sent to be cremated. words cannot describe the sorrow we felt.


*


Rest in Peace Grandmother.

new environment

sorry for the lack of updates!
I have been so busy nowadays!


training and all is fun so far!
but gets a bit boring after a while!

and i gained so much weight cos of having so many breaks during the day!
my friends commented that my face is very round now......=(
i need to lose weight!!!!!!



well....recently have been regulars at the SIA Sports Club.
me and my batch mates, christine and jimmy, have been going to the pub there after a long day of training to have a jug or two before heading home.

i'm sooo lucky to have them by my side!
training doesn't seem as torturous now!

on the downside, every morning is a big hassle and rush, as i have to apply full makeup and bun my hair before leaving for training! I am still trying to do the french twist, but in vain...

with the bun and makeup, i look like a chinese acrobat street performer.


*


well.....my love life is a bit complicated at this point in time, stagnant actually.

so no complaints there.


*


went to visit my grandma at the hospice yesterday.
she is just slowly deteriorating.

so painful to see her becoming so skeletal, and so weak.
but i'd rather she stop struggling and give up, so that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.

doctor says it would probably be these few days.

well...


*


i will try to update pictures and more intelligent posts soon ya?

now i just want to rest.

One closed door

This is my last day in HOTstuff.

Mixed feelings, leaving behind all the things and people that I love and care about.


But i have my new path to look forward to.


kinda scary though.

present for me!~

my dad smsed me and told me to come home early cos he had a gift for me.


i asked him was it a car? a plane? was it pink?

i went home to find a box on my bed.

i opened it to find.....a HP2133!!~

its a mini-lappie!! 9inches! with webcam and all!

my dad said that i could carry it around when i fly and use it to MSN home if there's internet connection!

so happy!!

complaint!!

i got a complaint!

my latest bitchy article angered the crap out of a moron and he wrote a complaint email in!

i think he is too free lor.

of cos i write what i think, then should i stick to boring stuff like gas prices and CNG?

he made it sound like i am not allowed to voice out my opinions.
i guess he's probably offended cos he identified himself with one of the character classifications that i mentioned in my recent article.

not happy then dun read lah!
say i pull down the standard of the magazine somemore.
i gave it leverage ok.


the poor guy probably doesn't have much friends, and his favourite pastime is probably finding fault with people, and counting the number of words in magazine articles.




Loser.

wake up call

last week was kind of a blur.
i drank and drank...then i woke up and everything was fresh again

im so lucky to have people who care, who believe in me
who loves me for who i am, without judging me.

so what if i can't find true love now? it doesn't matter to me much anymore

so long as i have my friends, and my loved ones beside me every step of the way.

i might not know what i want, but i know what i DON'T want.

and i have to take the first step to eliminate what's bad for me

i'm much happier with what i have left, instead of worrying over what i'm going to lose.

i believe i will have my turn; maybe not anytime soon, but someday...

with each bold step i take, i'm following my destiny, that may lead me to my eventual happiness.

I just want to be happy.

Tiring Saturday

I went to attend SGTrackies' Drift Clinic event today.

It was held at that fateful place, Changi Exhibition Centre, again.
I get hit with so many memories when im there.


Guess what?


I was happily walking along, and minding my own business, when from the corner of my eyes, i saw a couple. They were sitting comfortably in one of the buildings, watching the drifting. I approached and took a glance.


it was him.....with her.



all the past memories suddenly hit me like a rock.

when he approached my way with her hanging on his arm.
when he knew that i was coming, and he insisted that she followed him against his will.
when he shifted all the blame to me, by believing in rumours and pulling up my past.
when i found out she was still around.
when i tried to be nice and explain and make him trust me.
when he ran away, leaving me alone with them.
when he left me, to give her another chance.


and to think that i tried to believe.


but surprisingly, i didn't hurt.
my mind just went blank.
i already guessed, although he was avoiding answering when i asked.


i just walked past them, pretending that i didn't see them.
i contemplated going up to say hi or something.
But i only have enough control to walk away and regard them as renovation materials.

i don't think i can stand trying to make conversation.
i'm not strong enough for that.

*

i just want to be loved.
to have someone that i love who loves me
who belongs wholeheartedly to me.
i should have the right to choose shouldn't i?
and not be forced.

*


i hate him. for the wuss that he is.
i hate myself for being so stupid.


i hate Changi Exhibition Centre.

low esteem

My horoscope for today:

"You possess an original mind and singular expression that makes you so unique and special. Give yourself credit for being one-of-a-kind. Anyone who's with you is a lucky person, and don't you forget it!"

it made me feel better. i need words of encouragement more than ever now.


have been rather down recently.
thinking about stuff before and at present.


my confidence and esteem level is at its all time low.
i feel ugly, i feel low, i feel unhappy.


maybe its cos its that time of the month.


so tired from everything.

*

now im frantically trying to clear all my stuff before i leave.
im not sure if i can do that.

my editor's threatening me with my early release cos i'm so slack nowadays.


can i help it if i don't really give a fuck anymore?

i believe i can fly

well.....have officially been confirmed!
managed to convince my boss to let me off in a month's time.

so my last day is august 8th.

my training starts on August 14th.


i hope everything goes well....

*

have tried to get back in the dating game......but i realise that i can't bring myself to play anymore.....so tiring, and it so different and so difficult!

last time was so much easier...


maybe i'm losing my charm?


damn.

exhausted!

have been sooooo damn busy and tired recently.
even though i have been resting at home and sleeping earlier than usual, I still feel so tired and lethargic. my whole body is nua and i keep yawning.

maybe its the after effects of my badminton workout last week?

I feel old...!

*

well....im still waiting for the call......so i called SIA instead.
She was busy and asked me to call back on Monday.

so i have to wait the weekend ...... -_-

*

its a tiring day today....

last night went to Dragonfly for Meta's birthday.....i think the place is really packed and really boring actually. I didn't even have the chance to dance much cos i kept having to give way to the passing crowd...i really think its a waste of time, maybe like going occasionally for the music or dance, but every week? Nah......i'd rather go to Bulldog.....at least I have a place to sit.

after the late night, have to force myself to wake this morning...
went to Kallang Leisurepark for the Tamiya Endurance Race.

don't even know how to control the stupid remote control car, keep banging the walls and getting knocked by all the other cars.......our team's car ended the race without the front bumper and bended skirtings....and in last place. hahaha.

i prefer driving the real thing anytime.


after that rushed down with my brother to join my colleagues in badminton again.
was so tiring! but i think i was better than last week cos i could last longer without rest this time.


feels good to exercise! i need to lose some weight....



i'm looking forward to a nice long sleep tonight.
Later.

Extracted from http://anywherebuthere.comicgenesis.com/

briefing

went for the pre-employment briefing yesterday morning.
they informed me that my three-month notice might be too long and they don't know if they can wait. oh no! what am I going to do then? then they said don't quit from my job first until the official call. so am i supposed to wait til they call then? the worse thing is that if you get rejected then they will send you a letter to let you know.

so i have to wait again...


awww....and i thought it was confirmed.
i guess ite more or less confirmed as there are no more interviews left, but they just need people to start asap.
and i have to wait for a week before they will make the offer.

oh no....should i tender first?



strangely, everyone else is more excited than me.
to me, maybe its like nothing has happened yet, so i'm still quite indifferent.
Maybe i'll start bouncing for joy when i finally sign the letter and get confirmed.



suddenly, i don't want to leave.
im afraid that if i'm not around, no one would miss me.
that i would be forgotten, by my loved ones...


would they?



well.....maybe wait for the call and see how it goes...

that fateful day

happy 4th.


thanks for your company.

sigh...

went for the Singapore Airline interview yesterday, and to my surprise, I got in!

Now i have to get my medical checkup results approved, and they will make me an offer.
and i have to quit from my job soon....

its kinda sad though.....i really love what i am doing, i love the people, the free booze, the friends i have made, the challenges i have faced....

no more press passes, no more VIP service, no more free drinks and food, no more freebies and discounts....no more meeting nice people.

There is a rainbow in my heart.
I rejoice because I am getting away from this draining environment.


But I cry because leaving would take me away from his world.

Frustrated

I am so angry!!!!!

why does he keep bringing up my past to accuse me!
worse thing is that i haven't done ANY of the things he accused me of!!

i hate all these people who spread rumours about me and try to drive the wedge between us deeper. all my fucking life, i have been gossiped about, accused, disliked. i haven't even done anything! the rumours and gossips are all never even close to the truth.
why do they always do this to me? what have i ever done to deserve all these unfounded accusations? what have i ever done to them...why do they have to talk about me like that. why do people hate me so much...


i am so sad, so frustrated.
everything i try so hard to do, wasting my breath to explain and convince and pacify, when he should be the one doing it! he was the one that was unfaithful, that lied, that left me standing alone! he was the one that chose to leave me for her! he was the one that was in the wrong but i gave in time and time again, i believed him, and i gave him time. i tried to be patient, and understanding. and he fucking took it for granted! what's the point of m trying so hard but for nothing?!?! and i have to keep explaining to him over and over to explain my fucking PAST!!
and all done without even having a fucking clue whether we will ever get back again.

listen up, bastard, I should be the one thinking, I should be the one choosing, I should be the one that deserves an explanation, Not YOU. Go ahead, be childish and narrow. keep blaming me for my PAST and question the choices i made, the things that happened. if you were looking for someone that never had a boyfriend before, you're looking the wrong direction. You fell in love with me for ME; for my quirks, for my habits, for the way i talk, the way i loved you wholeheartedly. But now you're blaming me for being ME?!?!?! GROW UP!!!


and it hurts so fucking much that......he doesn't realise what i have sacrificed, and what i have done, for him. he will never know and appreciate what i did. he doesn't even seem to admit that he is wrong in any way, or that he has hurt me so badly....he doesn't know.


im so drained, so tired, so down. the light within me has extinguished, due to the tremendous effort i put in to try to make him stay. i know now that it is of no use. i have to stop the tears from falling, as my heart bleeds when i chase him away, chasing away the one that makes me so happy, yet so sad.


i love you so much, darling.
But please go away.

Russell Peters

This guy is a genius!
I laughed my guts out.

Warning: Racial Jokes & Coarse References
don't watch if you are a wuss.

45mins of pure comedy.

Enjoy!

Crying Without Tears

A person once told me that crying without tears is the worst form of crying. And they were right- because the weeping of the soul hurts so much more and no one can console you because no one can see, and even if they can they do not reach its tremendous depth.

This is a tribute to all those who have felt the anguish of tearless sobs and broken spirits. May God guide you through it, and may those you love be there for you when the tears start to fall and every moment after.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” - Kahlil Gibran

Extrcted from http://www.flickr.com/photos/aphrodite/84987452/

True Love?

Saw this article in http://kidpieces.wordpress.com/2007/07/22/true-love/.

its great. Read it and think.

*

TRUE LOVE

In most cases we think: this is true love, when in fact it’s not. But than if this ain’t love than what it is? There are plenty of things that we confuse with love.

It could be just the basic instinct. The feelings can be passionate and crazy, but in fact both people may want only sex. And after it all the misunderstanding starts, and once infatuated lovers will find out that they have nothing in common and sometimes they don’t even know what to talk with each other.

Another variant is when people lack support, care and attention to their person or they just scared to stay single. Being with someone can be a habit when one simply got used to the other. It can either be a sick addiction or some self-interest. People call all these types of relationship love just by mistake or trying to conceal the true nature of it.

But than what does real love look and feel like? Maybe it’s when two people seem to know each other for ages and even in their previous lives. They can go on talking and talking and conversation never lacks topics and never gets dull. Or people don’t have to say anything because they understand each other without words. And those moments, minutes and even hours of silence are never uncomfortable. True love is when partners complete one another, when they’re together it’s peaceful, the whole other world with it’s sufferings and problems doesn’t exist and nothing even matters.

True love means understanding. One trusts another more than him/herself and feels ready to satisfy every little need of a partner. Two people don’t stop for a second looking into each other eyes.

It’s said that two persons truly in love aren’t looking at each other but in the one direction. And this is rather reasonable because they don’t say nothing “this is yours and this is mine” and share everything: friends, enemies, interests, problems and etc. One has his/her own identity but sees him/herself only as a part of the other. Still real love is not a relationship of property. If you really love someone you may say “I belong you” but always be ready to let go if it makes the person you love happy.

Jealousy stands out of the true love. How can one be jealous if there’s so much love and faithfulness? Real love doesn’t long for power, it doesn’t want to hurt, doesn’t want to punish for mistakes, it’s self-sacrificing and ready to forgive other and other again. But it’s wrong to think that true love is always a suffering, it only means that you take a person as he or she is and don’t expect the one you love to be perfect.

True love isn’t supposed to blow your mind, yet it doesn’t tend to get and to possess – it’s a and very special state of a soul.But the question that true love is still has no definite answer. Do we truly love only once in our life? At what age are we supposed to meet our love? Does it last for a lifetime or just for a while? Probably everyone has his own answers to this questions. The truth is that no one should spend life chasing ideals or building relationships by some model of a true love. One will probably fail and miss the real thing beyond all this.

We should remember that very many things we need to supply our healthy and comfortable living but only the true feeling of love makes life really longer and happier.

sad fact

I have found the paradox; if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.


Life is so ironic, isn't it?

Hugh Grant And Haley Bennett - Way Back Into Love

I think this song is wonderfully soothing.

And touches the heart with its simplicity.

Enjoy

Way Back Into Love
- Hugh Grant And Haley Bennett [OST of Music & Lyrics]

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need 'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do
is find a way back into love
I can't make it through
without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do
is find a way back into love
I can't make it through
without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do
is find a way back into love
I can't make it through
without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Kiss - Because I'm A Girl

i always cry when i watch this.

unrequited love? guys always never realise.

i wonder who would love me enough to make that sacrifice for me.

would it be too late then.

WedsSport SA-70

My favourite rim of all time.
fell in love when i first set eyes on it.

prefer deep-dish, but this is just gorgeous.



ironically, the chaser uses it.

if i ever get a car, these would be my choice, for more reasons than one.

Freaky Friday

Just thought I needed a post on Friday the 13th.


I have always been fascinated by superstitions.
But for some weird reasons, Friday the 13th, deemed the most unlucky day in the western world, has always been a good day for me.


and this one is no different. =)



I guess just one good encounter would be sufficient to make the whole day rosy.
Prune.

Harry Potter Final Facts

Just surfed Wikipedia which answered all the question marks about Harry Potter.

Sort of ties up all the loose ends ya?

*

In an interview, online chat, the Wizard of the Month section of her website, and during her 2007 U.S. Open Book Tour, Rowling revealed additional character information that she chose not to include in the book.

She stated that:

• Harry becomes an Auror for the Ministry of Magic, and is later appointed head of the department. He keeps Sirius's motorcycle, which Arthur Weasley repaired for him, but he can no longer speak Parseltongue after the destruction of Voldemort's soul fragment within him.
• Ginny Weasley plays for the Holyhead Harpies Quidditch team for a time, leaves to establish a family with Harry and later becomes the lead Quidditch correspondent for the Daily Prophet.
• Ron Weasley works at George's store for a time, Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, then joins Harry as an Auror.
• Hermione finds her parents in Australia and removes the memory modification charm she had put on them for safety. She initially works for the Ministry of Magic in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, greatly improving life for house elves and their ilk. She later moves to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and assists in eradicating oppressive, pro-pureblood laws. She was also the only member of the trio to go back and complete her seventh year at Hogwarts.
• Dumbledore's relationship with Gellert Grindelwald extended beyond mere friendship; indeed, Rowling has revealed that "Dumbledore is gay, actually", and harboured romantic feelings for Grindelwald.
• After his death, Voldemort is forced to exist in the stunted form Harry witnessed in the King's Cross limbo; his crimes were too severe for him to become a ghost.

Rowling also explained the fates of several secondary characters:

• George Weasley continues his successful joke shop. George married fellow Quidditch player Angelina Johnson and has two children: a son named Fred, in memory of his late twin brother, and a daughter, Roxanne.
• Luna Lovegood searches the world for odd and unique creatures. She eventually marries Rolf, a grandson of the famed naturalist Newt Scamander, writer of Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. They have twins called Lorcan and Lysander. Her father's publication, The Quibbler, has returned to its usual condition of "advanced lunacy" and is appreciated for its unintentional humour.
• Draco Malfoy married Astoria Greengrass and had a son named Scorpius.
• Percy Weasley married a woman named Audrey and had two daughters, named Molly and Lucy.
• Firenze is welcomed back into his herd, who finally acknowledge the virtue of his pro-human leanings.
• Dolores Umbridge is arrested, interrogated, and imprisoned for crimes against Muggle-borns. The amount of time she serves in prison is unknown.
• Cho Chang went on to marry a Muggle.
• Neville Longbottom becomes professor of Herbology at Hogwarts and marries Hannah Abbott, who is now the landlady of the Leaky Cauldron.
• Besides Victoire Weasley, Bill and Fleur Weasley have a younger son and a younger daughter, named Dominique and Louis.
• On her website, Rowling posted a Weasley family tree, showing that Harry's children's full names are James Sirius Potter, Albus Severus Potter, and Lily Luna Potter.

There have been transformations in the wider wizarding world:

• Kingsley Shacklebolt is the permanent Minister of Magic, with Percy Weasley working under him as a high official. Among the reforms introduced by Shacklebolt, Azkaban no longer uses Dementors. Consequently, the world is now a "much sunnier place". Harry, Ron, and Hermione have also been instrumental in reforming the Ministry.
• At Hogwarts, Slytherin House has become more diluted and is no longer the pure-blood bastion it once was, although its dark reputation lingers.
• Voldemort's jinx on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position is broken with his death. There is now a permanent Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Harry comes to the Defense Against the Dark Arts class to lecture several times a year.
• A portrait of Snape, who briefly served as Hogwarts Headmaster, does not appear in the headmaster's office as he abandoned his post. Harry ensures the addition of Snape's portrait, and publicly reveals Snape's true allegiance.

*

OHMIGOD....Dumbledore is GAY.

I love it when my questions are answered, don't you?

Kung Fu Panda

Have been wanting to catch this like forever.

Went to watch it last week and it made me laugh like i've not laughed in a long time!

its hilarious, touching, full of chinese customs fused with western influences.

for that two hours, i really laughed my heart out.

It was great.

You just HAVE to watch this.
Trust me on this one.

two days mc

have been sick since monday.
guess more of tired of work and needed a break.

was throwing up the whole of yesterday.
even water can't stay down!
So thirsty but cannot drink, hungry but cannot eat.
not even the porridge could stay down.



*

"Feeling alone and misunderstood? You don't need to have a significant other to feel appreciated. You are loved by friends and family more than you realise."

My horoscope for today.

I am loved, and i feel loved.
By friends, by family, and by a significant other.


maybe my extinguished light is slowly sparking again.

sometimes not thinking so much helps.



sometimes just accepting the simple and brief happy encounters that life offers, is more than enough.

Pretenders - I'll Stand By You

I love this song.

Close your eyes, listen to the lyrics and immerse yourself in the meaning of the song.

Darling, from me to you.




I'll Stand By You
Artist(Band):Pretenders

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

wishes

the fog in my mind has cleared slightly.

i guess all along i knew the outcome, and what was actually happening.
i just blinded myself in a haze of emotions, hoping that what I wished for would come to pass, that the promises made were true and would happen.

we both did wrongs, darling, but i was true; truer than I have been to anybody in a long time.


too bad you couldn't see it.


now i know where i stand.




too bad i couldn't stop myself from falling.

a note to my beloved

darling,

you have been absent for so long.

i love you so much.....but....



.....i'm starting to get used to you not being around.
I don't want that to happen!


Don't make me a stranger.


Love,
Melissa

how can u say u love when you don't show love at all?

ugly me

just got my recent photos from huiqi...

i look terrible!


i wish i was photogenic.

my face sucks, my features are crooked, i need to lose weight, my hands and my legs are of a different shade due to my hours under the sun for work, my hair is so dry, everything sucks.

even photoshop can't help me now.


my self-esteem has reached an all-time low.
i don't feel loved. i feel so ugly.
i hate myself.

i wish......




i'm so tired.

giving up?

i was so so ready to give up.
so so ready to let it all go to preserve my sanity.

after letting go, i cried and cried...
wondering why? why didn't i matter at all?
all the effort, the tears....wasted.

then i wondered, why did i do that when i didn't really want to let go?
i guess i was giving it one last shot of faith that he would actually realise.



instead i got a question mark answer.


i don't want to think anymore.


i'm going crazy soon.


can you just tell me what is going on?
can you just give me a direct answer for once?!?!


*faint*

Clearer Mind

Recently feel much better...still thinking about it, but much better.

he is weird...how can you say you love someone but eliminate the person from your life?

Makes no sense whatsoever.

Shouldn't it be that if you care about someone you would want to call, or sms or be with the person everyday, as often as you can? It hurts me...


I don't believe much anymore.

The bigger the hope, the bigger the disappointment.


I can't handle anymore disappointment.

*

i feel like getting away from all this, change a new environment.

He is still in my mind, but I guess I just don't want to have the hope anymore when he obviously doesn't treasure me.

*


i might be trying out for SQ this month.

I think its a tad bimbo-ish, but i would savour in the experience.
It's not an easy job, nor a very difficult one.
I guess its a different kind of learning experience altogether.


Maybe I just want to leave everything behind, to start afresh.




Well, we'll see if there's any improvement.

if he wants me, he has to get me back.

It's time for WAR!

Just came back from a gruelling paintball session with my colleagues.

After the first round, I felt like I was going to faint!
That goes to show how unfit I was....the only consolation was that I wasn't the only one.

My gun kept jamming....so I was out of action many times.

now my whole body aches like hell.
standing up and walking is a torture!


Will update when I get the pictures.

...and we're back to square one

i'm so tired.

i don't want to be the spare.


i don't want to be the one that he falls back on.



i want a simple life and a stable relationship with the one i love that loves me.
Only me.