bad mood....

i'm really moody....probably cos my body's making eggs.

*crouches pathetically in the corner with tortured expression on face, shivering in non-existant wind*


Need. Shopping.

i'm suffering from cold turkey here ok.

something interesting i came upon...

comic taken from http://queenofwands.net by Aeire



This got me thinking...a lot.....because its so true and it so applies to me.

I have a super-low self-esteem....and i try to make my life as interesting as possible so i don't keep condemning my pessimistic self. I preen,playing on the only thing that i find is worthy of compliments, my appearance, to the extent that it seems to have taken over my life. I sprout bad remarks about myself, over-analyse situations and complain about my pathetic life to get others to pay attention to me. i need attention...i live for attention.....to be lonely, to be ignored, will cause a severe discrepancy in my trying-to-be-positive behaviour and boost my overwhelming selfkill attitude. I can't STAND to be ignored. then i get sucidal when i wallow in self-pity and feel that the world doesn't care and i'm of no use to anyone and noone cares about my existance. When friends disappoint me, i get all defensive and sarcastic to cover the sinking feeling on my heart, that i don't matter to them, that i am insignificant. I am an attention whore.

Maybe my lonely childhood has had its effect on me. or im asking for too much... I have friends who care about me. But i keep concentrating on those who ignore me and i try so hard to shape myself to be someone that they might like. I brag, i carry, i make jokes....all to make them like me......i say i don't care, and they can say whatever they want to, and i prefer being alone anyway....but deep down, it sucks. i spend hours thinking about whether what i said or did changed their impression of me, whenever i feel left out i shrink back to my shell and ponder about what did i do wrong to have the silent treatment......im so sensitive....but i just can't help thinking like this. or behaving like this.

i don't want to feel lonely. i want companionship, someone who will care for me and pamper me and bear with my tantrums and listen to my problems. but i still feel so empty inside....and i feel that my friends dun like me after all.......cos i'm always about me, about my own life, i'm too direct and offend with whatever i say.......etc.........

maybe i'm just trying too hard to be liked.

so sorry for the lack of updates...

i'm up to my ears in work right now, and the school is giving me problems. Even thought we already enrolled for the module, and PAID the money, they just decided to cancel the classes lor due to insufficient student number. WHAT CRAP! and there is no offer to refund our money and they even have the cheek to ask us to SELF-STUDY! This is one of the most difficult modules lor! how can we even hope to pass with no guidance watsoever?!?!?! Although I don't go to class regularly, at least I know that there's someone there to help me decipher the chim way the assignment requirements are written right? It's so unfair lor!
To add to it, it's the end of the month, and i have to send in my files to accounts and pack a whole truckload of balls lor...and i want to start on my assignments cos i don't think they would approve of another extension lor............
I need more Time!!!!


Going to school to complain tomorrow. You know, overturn tables, demonstrate my colorful language, throw sharp pointy things, the usual. Wish me luck.

i'm back!!

During these three days the amount of perspiration that emitted from my body is more than ever had in the past three years. I have never felt so sweaty, so uncomfortable and so tired. Everyday, we have to tahan the hot hot sun and humid weather and lack of wind.

And the people!!! the throngs of people who do not have to work or study, and seem to just live to walk in the already humid pasar malams, adding to the heat and difficulty of smooth traffic, purposely bumping into you, rubbing their disgustingly sweaty arms against yours, leaving behind a sickenly wet feeling afterwards, leading to the endless scrambling for tissues to get the muck off.

I walked and walked and walked....till my legs almost gave way, til my head hurt from the heat and i almost fainted....but i perservered. I wasn't going to give up without a fight. I took out my portable fan and smirked at the envious crowd as my silky hair piao piao in the cooling wind that was for me and me alone.

It was difficult battle, but i emerged victorious.

I bought 2 bags, 3 pairs of shoes, a watch, 2 dresses, 3 skirts, 3 boy-cut underwear, 5 bottoms and 10 tops.

Pictures to follow soon. Be proud of me.

we are going on a summer holiday lalalalalala

Just another 2 days before i leave for my trip on SUNDAY! that time book the tickets like so kiasu, so early in the year we book....now its FINALLY HERE! even the political condition in thailand will not dampen our spirits!

wun be updating for a while at least till after i'm back from Bangkok, which is wednesday......and i still have to start doing my assignments liao...........so difficult ah. anyone know SQL ?

Till then, take care comrades! Wish me HAPPY SHOPPING!!!

just a pic

me and my favourite cousin

let me out! let me out!!

Finally there's only three days till I fly off to Bangkok....but the whole family's so paranoid cos of the political thingy.....telling me to reconsider not going cos apparently the Thais have a strong dislike of Singaporeans now with all the Thaksin thingy and all......Which got me thinking.......since when have i put my life in danger?

the closest i got to a dangerous situation was maybe holding my head underwater for a longer time then i could stand.....im the one with the most daring character, but its only in the actions i do and the things that i say...which usually have very bad results. Usually choosing the safer path and right way of life, am i lucky because I have people who care enough to worry for my welfare, in the process stopping me from doing things that I really want to do, leading me to be the introverted, everything-also-scared-unless-got-kaki person that i am now? Since when have i really gone out and done the things that my mind was instigating me to do? To do something unconventional, something that i will enjoy but is just afraid of breaking societal expectations, risking being branded....

i know everyone worries about me, but i'm not likely to be

1. stabbed while walking,

2. raped while going home alone at night,

3. run over by a car when crossing the road,

4. drugged when having drinks without Him around

or whatever nonsense they can come up with.....i know that these are dangerous times, but i should learn to take care of myself right? i can't live a sheltered life forever right?

When clubbing, I really am tempted to go up on the stage and show off a few of my moves[*ahem*] , as well as have a go on the pole provided. But the Boyfriend stops me, apparently its "very cheap" and i'd "let all the guys see me" or something like that..........

for example, when i wanted to go camping with friends, my mum exclaimed in a kua zhang high-pitched, almost-hysterial voice:

"AFTER PEOPLE KILL YOU AH!!"

Am i destined to forever remain in my comfort zone because no one will let me out of my cage?

My dark, sordid past catches up with me....again

Today my dear friend, Jamie, informed me of a current situation which used to happen frequently in the past...

Apparently, her friend, lets call her Miss Immature, upon coming across my picture in friendster, asked Jamie how she got to know me. Even though Jamie hinted of our close relationship, Miss Immature went on to mention that her current boyfriend used to be my boyfriend and how I apparently have slept with 30-over guys before I was with him. I went to investigate the said ex-bf.

After scrolling through all 38 of her friendster pictures, i concluded who the big-mouth bastard was. Let's call him The Sore Loser. To cut a long story short, it was a bad breakup where he was on the sad end. So sorry. But that doesn't give him the reason to deflame me and make false accusations just because he was hurt. If everyone behaved like the Sore Loser, the world would be a sad sad place to live in. And Miss Immature, I don't blame you, cause I know you are jealous of me. Being as wonderful as I am has its bad times. As we are both women, we should stick together. I forgive you.

That reminds me of the time when he bought me flowers throught the Internet from Australia[long-distance relationship], and kept telling every living thing that he personally called Holland to order that particular color of roses and chose the wrapping and all...dropping multiple hints that it cost almost $400 just for that puny bouquet to reach me; until i found out that it cost only $50, all ready-wrapped, inclusive of delivery... I mean, how boastful can a person get? I feel its the thought lor, and not the cost....so Sore Loser, remember you dun have to pretend. I'm pretty sure Miss Immature likes you the way you are, no matter how short and hao lian and da pao you are. You two probably are made for each other.

I really dun understand why am I always a target board for bad gossip, even though whatever I do is what everyoen else is also doing. I am quite tired of all this rumors and digging up of old stories. So what if I have had a lot of boyfriends in the past? At least I dun sleep around lor. Maybe I'm too direct when breaking up, but i believe in being frank lor, what's the point of lying and beating around the bush?

Can't you all just find someone else to talk about for once?

p.s I want my friends to know that the accusation is NOT TRUE. Of course, if you were close to me, you'd know. I will make no excuses for myself, nor deny that I was not a flirt in my younger days, but I was most certainly not a slut. Thank God for the people who believed and stood by my side through the tough times. And thanks, Jamie Dear.

How do you know that your partner is The One?

Recently I've been thinking about this [ever since the chat wif yenlin and dongli]...and after yesterday's bad quarrel, I've become more confused. He has become from bad to worse...he never used to be so bad tempered......last time he tried to control at least, now he just flares up like nobody's business. And he expects me to know when he is angry and when he is not by looking at his face and mannerism. What does he think i am, a Body Language Expert? I think he wants me to anticipate the reasons for his every mood and treading softly around him when a certain facial muscle twitches or something. I'm going crazy.

Every fucking day, he is angry, showing me his fucked up face and scolding every fly and blade of grass that gets in his way. Hello, the world does NOT belong to you lor. He says I talk at the wrong time, and I have to see his mood, and I irritate him with my talking......he might as well find a dumb person lor! Everyone of you know that I'd DIE if I dun talk, and since im such a witty, entertaining person that always give intelligent remarks, I dun see why I should stop talking and saying what i want when I feel like it.

But every time i argue back...he almost ALWAYS manages to twist the story and it ends up being my fault......

Sometimes I really want to give up...it's like I feel that getting the flat is sooo fast...feel that he's just doing it cos everyone around us is getting married and all and he wants to go with the flow.......everyone feels that i'm not ready[push blame; not my fault]......dongli says im getting pre-wedding jitters....i'm not even getting married yet lor...

Getting the house and going ahead with it means guarantee chop....no running away. i'm not sure if he's the one that I can spend the rest of my life with. Maybe the reality of the situation is hitting me, hard now....and i'm scared...i havent lived life enough......will getting married make it worse? Now we are quarrelling always, will getting married be worse?But I am afraid that if i give up this relationship, I'd be left on the shelf....what if no one wants to marry me........

Charlene and Christine says that I always give in to him, thats why he has taken advantage and takes it for granted...but he always makes it seem that i am not good enough.... is it my fault? or his?

Take yesterday for example: We were quarrelling cos he was angry over the bad traffic at suntec...i mean like, you should know that there would be a jam cos of the IT Fair...........later after much angry silence[and his rantings if how it was my fault for talking when he is in a bad mood] i asked him: "Is there really nothing good about me at all?"

He gave me a "Hmph" and walked away.

My life sucks. -_-

giving up on falsies

almost forgot about this...

I look like Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street.

keep awake longer

This is not an endorsement, so I shan't mention any names. I swear to you all I'm about to say in the following sentances are tried and tested by yours truely, Me.

I'm not exactly a morning person....or rather, im NOT a morning person. Ideally. i believe that the sun should stay in the sky for about 6hrs before I slide my lazy ass off my bed. That is what I consider "Sleeping Enough". If I am forced to wake up every morning when my body clock still says "Sleep sleep!!It's still night!", I will most definately be grumpy for the whole day and only be able to stay alert until 11am before keeping my eyes open will be a battle between body and mind.

Recently, due to work, these sleep-withdrawal symptoms have been showing more often than not, and getting to work is a chore, resulting in me falling asleep with my mouth and head hanging rather unglamourously on the way to work in the car. That was until my mum bought the miracle cure, the elixer, Proclaimed by many a chinese sinseh to be the secret to alertness.....CHICKEN ESSENCE!

Yes. In the beginning i was like you; suspicious, doubtful that this small bottle of bitter-tasting black liquid would help me in any way. For someone who doesn't even drink barley, and only drinks Yeo's Chrysenthemum [no other brand, mind you]...this was a torture. But I tried it.....and after 2 days, I felt alive!

I no longer stare listlessly out of the window on the journey to work. My sense of Humor has stopped being a vampire. I even have the strength to make corny jokes to the otherwise quiet car, brightening the day of those who are lucky enough to be in my exalted presence. Its like Viagra!

You just HAVE to try it.

a penny for my thoughts

Yesterday met up with Dongli and Yenlin...long time since the three of us came out together without significant other halves that we were permanantly attached to most of the time. Had a nice chat about relationships and aims in life. All the time we were complaining about our other half...mostly me.....

This got me thinking, am i really discontented with my life? Why? Is it really that bad? Somehow I seem to get myself in relationships with guys that control me.....is that a subconscious thing or do i jus enjoy being the "Xiao Nu Ren" or do i enjoy being miserable? But its not that im THAT miserable...im happy but not, im content but not. I'm just confusing myself.

But im happy and i know it! But i just want to find things to complain about....like i'm determined to find the flaw in my otherwise almost-perfect relationship.

Dongli seems to be able to adapt and basically just ignore the situation rather than create conflict.i wish i could do that. Life would be so much simpler and happier if everyone just ignored and accepted. Me being the impulsive person i am will just jump to conclusions and start making a fuss...its very mentally torturing to have to think of so many things at the same thing. that explains all my headaches.

dun particularly feel very literary today.

A whole weekend's worth of information...

Have been meaning to post since Sunday, but I just couldn't find the time! Yesterday was SUPER BUSY ah! The phone kept ringing, emails kept coming in, there were invoices to prepare, information to find out, and most horribly, BALLs tO PACK..............i was on the verge of fainting by the time i got home! Pray these few weeks will be less hectic cos i'm really looking forward to BANGKOK! oh to get away from demanding customers and bad service people and just SHOP, SHOP, SHOP!!! just heavenly.....*starts to dream*

Well, lets start from Saturday. Went to Ministry of Sound with my friends...like the kiasu people we are, we reached there at 9.20pm [so that we could check the decor out without having to crane our necks over the multitude of the later crowd]....and realised that entry was cheaper than we expected! Had a bit of trouble at the door because the bouncer almost didn't allow me to go in as he thought my IC picture didn't resemble me [thank you bouncer-at-door for thinking i am underage..*ahem*....hehe] the place was really beautiful....but the music really spoilt everything...i know, house music is supposed to be like that[hey, i swakoo ok].....but it was like the record had the "loop" button on....the music sounded the same the whole freaking night....how to dance?!?!?!

We ended up spending the night making fun at those on the dance floor and checking out the astonishing amount of cleavage on display; one girl wore a jewelled bra with leather pants lor...my Boyfriend had the time of his life that night...*rolls eyes*........and becos I forgot to bring my camera, i tried my luck with my trusty handphone:

i gave up hope after 5 pictures like this.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On Sunday, my deardear brought me SHOPPING!But it was quite a spoiler, cos whatever i chose he said "ok lor", or "not nice"..........like that can buy what? but i still managed to smuggle a few stuff past his critical eyes. didn't dare to buy too much though...scared after go bangkok got more.Save money.

Nice shoes right! they were the last pair in my size...i couldn't resist.

I finally found a cute bolero cardi set! although it wasn't exactly what i was aiming for....but still its so nice!

The T-shirts are VERY tight by the way..........

This was the main attraction of my small shopping spree...i really love the words cos i can relate to it. in case you cant see, it says " I'll say anything just to talk".

Its not that im talkative or what...ok maybe a little.....but i really feel that communication is very important, especially in a relationship...like sometimes, i feel that my deardear can't be bothered to talk to me, or even answer me. Everytime i call him, or try to make conversation, he just tones out and its like im talking to myself.

I admit i quite lor sor...but i feel like im desperately to have some sort of communication with him....but he doesnt reciprocate. its quite sad sometimes you know...then i feel that everyone is laughing at me whenever he doesn't answer...He's so caught up in his own world, with his friends and the car... although we meet everyday, i feel that its like we are not together cos its not quality time.Where's my place in his life? Or am I too sensitive?

ok...enough digressing...the day goes on.

went over to bulldog for ktv!

charlene's glum face was because we forced her to take a picture with us. she's all grumpy and quiet ever since she stopped work. hope she returns to her old self soon. it's kind of hard trying to make conversation with someone that doesn't answer much...i tried to make her smile a little using photoshop....or else her face would be even glummer.didn't want to overdo it or else will get scolding from her!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

the rest of the week is booked with a few programs...haha....tonight dinner with dongli and yenlin, tomorrow meet with jaclyn and theophane ktv wahahahaha! then another week Bangkok!...then come back from bangok go help christine choose her gown! so exciting...i really wish i was getting married...like so fun...but very expensive.haiz....still long lah...

I tied a bun for the day and realised that when i let it down it was very nice!

not bad right? charlene say not nice leh....spoilsport...hmph.

need to end my post and go work liao *sobsob*

craving for mac and cheese.....................

Till tomorrow.

finally i can rest

I'm finally home.

Having one hell of a bad day......at work, everything sucked; everyone seemed grumpy and I HATE it when people use that "you-owe-me-so-you-have-to-tahan-my-fucked-up-attitude" kind of tone on me...and after going home, I picked a quarrel with the Boyfriend. i'm still thinking is it my fault? or is it his? [of cos i won't admit i'm in the wrong] but some things that he does seems such a waste of effort, time and money....maybe i'm just feeling neglected cos he's doing dunno what with the car EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.......and to add to it, i'm tired and grumpy till the point where i horribly dissect an ant that tried to sneak past my line of vision [for walking on the table without washing feet]

all i want is to for once spend a lovely, relaxing weekend, having meaningful, intellectual, getting-to-know-you-better conversations; instead of bantering over the smallest thing......everything just seems to be going downhill nowadays, not to mention that im cranky and super shag and have no mood for anything except shouting at people and dissolving into tears like the world is going to end.

its either PMS or i need professional help.

what if i really go into depression and break down? will i grow mad and sob like there's no tomorrow? will i commit suicide? all these i've contemplated before whenever life gets nasty. i can't take the pressure and i feel that he's not doing anything to help. i think i just need rest from everything for a while...i am exhausted.

night.

Presenting, Me! The Goddess of Love

i just had a weird conversation with one of my friends, let's call him "Phillip". Philip just got into a relationship with a girl [duh!] and is quite nervous. And has been asking me a lot of weird things lately, about relationships about how a girl feels if this happens and how a guy feels when he behaves like that...etc...some of the questions I have never even thought about before [maybe i have, but if i did, i don't remember. Weird thing is, I can actually think of answers to his questions!

*face lights up* Maybe God made me to help shed light on the relationship problems of my clueless friends, allowing them to embrace the beauty of love [and good sex]!

so I'm like...Cupidress, The Goddess Of Love! ask anyone that have been enlightened by me and they will explain to you my POWER!

I tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I throw the reality of life into your faces and explain what you have been blinding yourself from. sometimes its takes a third party to tell you what you don't realise. You will all go "Oh Yah Hor!" after listening to my revelational speech. Worship my words, my ignorant children! *glows with internal white light*

I pride myself for being open, for being able to discuss any topic under the sun *ahem*. But this particular bit of the MSN conversation left me, the usually articulate, never-will-have-nothing-to-tu-back, gorgeous self of mine, utterly speechless for a while [ok, is unable to type an appropriate answer, cos its MSN:

Philip: yay~
me: ...
me: u go measure urs ah
Philip: ..
Philip: i think Mine is 5...+++
Philip: near to ..6 bah
Philip: got lah very long ago
me: ...
Philip: depends on mood also lah
me: ermmm
me: sharing stops here
Philip: okay!
Philip: *the end*

He was blatantly discussing his member size.

at this point, the room was staring to feel uncomfortably hot...i mean...this is my friend......offering redundant and rather comfortable unrequested information*mops perspiring forehead*...he who used to be innocent...tainted by the not-so-innocent Cupidress.....not that i mind......but still.....

since when did i become so conservative?

Note to self: must see doctor

sometimes life just get you down, and up, and down

[long post alert!]

i confess.....i am a shopaholic...i used to deny it, convincing myself those items that I am buying were just absolutely necessary! i mean, how would I ever step out in public if I didn't get those shoes, or that mascara? i mean i really need them mah!! at least i spend within my limits correct? and the things i buy are quite cheap right? [shopping tip: partially cos less expenditure on one thing means I can buy more things with the little money i have]

i used to take things for granted, cos of the free time i had, on an average, i went shopping:
1)almost 3-4times a week[malls, pasar malam],
2)or like browsing [guardian, popular]
3)or if really desperate, like in the middle of the night[mustafa, 7-11]

i mean window shopping is ok, but its more fun with money in the pocket, or at least, a credit card. i realised that if i went out and didn't buy anything or eat anything, i'd feel strangely disappointed...like nothing mattered anymore, and my mood for the rest of the day would be spoilt. I thought that it was just a phase, I mean, if you went shopping and didnt get anything, you'd be disappointed too right?

i was wrong.

When I started work last month, i felt all my free time waving white handkerchiefs to me in farewell as the balls evily beckoned to me. At first, it was still ok...then two weeks later....i started to feel uncomfortable...like something was wrong.......the feeling lasted till the day i had to make my way home myself. Taking the bus to Orchard, I had to cross the road to Wisma to get to the train...as I neared the shopping mall, I need blusher! i remembered..so my legs automatically went towards the magic sliding doors.

Suddenly, I felt alive! all the shops! long time no see! casually i walked around and savoured the moment. little did i know that once i stepped into the first shop, I became a mad woman. I wanted to buy everything! But I was trying to make my money last till the end of the month.It was pure torture, i tell you! To see all the available merchandise and not being able to own them.

in the end, i bought blush, eyebrow mascara[it looked interesting ok?], a skirt, fancy bra straps, a lippie and blotters....all in 5mins....practically grabbing at them..and i hurried home with guilty eyes averted, avoiding glances at Forever21[just in case!] ....clutching at my plastic bags. Instead of the usual slump i had adopted within the two weeks of work, I now stood straight, filled with energy, walking with a bounce in my step.......

Shopping is a great form of exercise you know? both mentally and physically.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I went make-up shopping and invested in false eyelashes!i bought three different kinds haha together with Fiberwig mascara and eyelash growth formula!

so so happy!so went home to try the falsies.....not too easy though...and it was very long, so look like wayang lidat.......but it looked so gorgeous!

so chio right?but needs a lot of practice actually. i almost poked my eye out a few times.i plan to find time to perfect my false-eyelash-wearing skill and wear them on Saturday! We are going to Ministry of Sound...=) Haven't been to any club for such a long time...hope that we all don't appear too swakoo~ and hope that if I wear my falsies they wouldn't fall off halfway......it would be SOOOO embarrassing

but at least now i know that all the gorgeous lashes that i saw on other girls are all FAKE! muahahaha!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

was stoning in the MRT when two girls came in and stood in front of me. Horror of Horrors! her skirt!

i just couldn't take my eyes off that horrible skirt! she looked quite ok actually, whatever prompted her to buy this hideous tablecloth? if anyone knows this girl with the skirt, please let her know that she should dispose of this piece of *ugh* cloth IMMEDIATELY.

They should have a committee that inspects all the clothes brought in to our stores for consumption. Ugly clothes should be banned and burnt. A standard should be set for material, durability, style and trend factor.

What will tourists think when they see us Singaporeans docked in curtain material, complete with tassles and hooks?

p/s. to the girl-in-ugly-skirt: no offence sister, I think you are gorgeous, but that skirt does you no justice at all. Period.