This got me thinking...a lot.....because its so true and it so applies to me.
I have a super-low self-esteem....and i try to make my life as interesting as possible so i don't keep condemning my pessimistic self. I preen,playing on the only thing that i find is worthy of compliments, my appearance, to the extent that it seems to have taken over my life. I sprout bad remarks about myself, over-analyse situations and complain about my pathetic life to get others to pay attention to me. i need attention...i live for attention.....to be lonely, to be ignored, will cause a severe discrepancy in my trying-to-be-positive behaviour and boost my overwhelming selfkill attitude. I can't STAND to be ignored. then i get sucidal when i wallow in self-pity and feel that the world doesn't care and i'm of no use to anyone and noone cares about my existance. When friends disappoint me, i get all defensive and sarcastic to cover the sinking feeling on my heart, that i don't matter to them, that i am insignificant. I am an attention whore.
Maybe my lonely childhood has had its effect on me. or im asking for too much... I have friends who care about me. But i keep concentrating on those who ignore me and i try so hard to shape myself to be someone that they might like. I brag, i carry, i make jokes....all to make them like me......i say i don't care, and they can say whatever they want to, and i prefer being alone anyway....but deep down, it sucks. i spend hours thinking about whether what i said or did changed their impression of me, whenever i feel left out i shrink back to my shell and ponder about what did i do wrong to have the silent treatment......im so sensitive....but i just can't help thinking like this. or behaving like this.
i don't want to feel lonely. i want companionship, someone who will care for me and pamper me and bear with my tantrums and listen to my problems. but i still feel so empty inside....and i feel that my friends dun like me after all.......cos i'm always about me, about my own life, i'm too direct and offend with whatever i say.......etc.........
maybe i'm just trying too hard to be liked.
1 comment:
Hey,
Many people have this problem trying to overcome their pessimistic side and I am one of them. Like you, we are very conscious of what others think of us and most importantly whether they "like me or not". I have always told you that you are better than what you think you are cause you are a wonderful person. Of course it is never easy to just switch to being optimistic but with the determination and self belief, you will be able to overcome that. I believe you can.
Stranger
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