Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Tokyo Part 1

i finally get the time to do a post!

immediately after my trip is production week, so have been rushing the magazine till today..

finally my side is (almost) done...so can take a break for today at least, before having to start finishing my other nicks and nacks tml...bugger

*

well, the tokyo trip was fun, fun, fun!! but very very freaking cold!

I didn’t manage to take much photos as it was a struggle carrying my bag, winter coat and gloves to try and risk taking a picture.

it was a scramble to get our jackets out once we reached the airport.
i got mine on first, so i took my first picture in tokyo:




must make sure got japanese words behind so you can't say i bluff.
It was so cold there was smoke when we breathed out. couldn't capture it though..
took a sneak of the rest of the group:



After an uneventful 2hr bus ride to the hotel, i spotted this at the hotel lobby!!
CIGGIE VENDING MACHINE! yenlin would be very happy.

temperature was moderately ok, at 11 degrees, so we were just walking around admiring the sights.


saw this van parked in the middle of the street in Shinjuku, selling my favourite!

I couldn’t resist so I bought one to try. It was delicious! The texture was a bit like ice cream, so it was more like cream cheesecake with blueberry sauce instead..


had fun taking the first walk through tokyo.
My Zara jacket nice??

night fell; we proceeded to soak in some night scenery even though we were horribly tired.


Apparently Shinjuku is the red-light district in Tokyo. They have all these really really handsome young guys standing along the small streets in groups of twos and threes. All looking as if they just stepped out of a comic book, with colorful hair fashionably styled, in black suits and stylish puffy jackets. I had the time of my life staring at them. So Shuai!!!!

Well, all these guys are pimps.

They approach young, pretty girls to get them to work in the nightclubs at Shinjuku, which look like game stations, with pink lights and all. Or they approach men to show them small albums of the “merchandise” they have in their shops. The girls think it’s an honor to be approached as it means you are quite beautiful.

*UPDATE

Me and my lady boss was standing in the cold people-watching, as the rest were happily playing those games where you had to catch a toy [its a big thing there]. Suddenly one of those pimps, in this case, an EXTREMELY CUTE japanese guy came up to us and bashfully asked us something in Japanese, which of cos we didn't understand. When he realised that we weren't local, he said something else in jap and walked away. I think he was trying to ask us if we were interested to work in nightclub or not. hahaha.

*proud* that means we quite chio leh!!! hee...

After that we realised that we standing there a bit like sell like that, so we faster went into the shop to join the others.



And no, I didn’t manage to take a pic of the place or the handsome guys and that is a big regret...

Let’s move on.

We searched for a place to eat and found small shop selling ramen soup [which I eat everyday I was there, plus beef rice; quite sick of it]





The food was quite good, but kind of expensive, with mine costing ¥1050, approximately $14……we paid almost the same amount for every meal the next few days…

Well, that was for the first night.

will post about Tokyo Auto Salon tml!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

i'm back!

what a tiring trip!

bought so many things, but mostly for my famly.....

spent so much money just on food and transport! and walked til my legs almost dropped off.

will update soonest!


i have to go unpack.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

mel is going on a holiday!

I'm going to Tokyo tonight!


Shopping, Tokyo Auto Show, Food and Disneyland!





be back on 15th. until then!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year

Thursday, December 27, 2007

sian sian sian

Today's the day of preparation for our autoshow.

Everyone has been very busy, directly or indirectly, because of this show.

There's going to be lots of exotic cars from Malaysia, Indonesia, and of course, Singapore.

30 fully modified cars from Malaysia will drive into Singapore today in convoy, from Tuas
checkpoint to Singapore Expo.

I really wanted to follow!! it would be so cool lor. especially when they all have to quietly follow my colleague's Toyota Rush hahaha.

20 specially flown-in Thailand models will entertain with dance performances.

And 9 damn chio models from Malaysia.

There will also be a Muay-Thai demonstration, b-boys performance plus drifting performances!!

So if you are free, come down and support us!


I will be at the ticket booth.=P

Monday, December 24, 2007

it's christmas eve

....but i don't feel the mood at all.


maybe it's just all that has happened recently.


it's so difficult.


well...work, as usual, has been very very hectic..

i spend the whole day busy without time to breathe, but at the end of the day, when i think back...i don't seem to have done much at all.


anyway, Merry Christmas, peeps.


Sunday, December 09, 2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007






i don't believe in love anymore.


Friday, November 23, 2007


i wanted to post pics but i realise that i really have to photoshop my face...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

HOTstuff....not

sorry for the late late update.

have been working overtime recently.

everyday is busy, busy, busy
in light of the recent events, i guess busy is a good thing.

at least i can put 100% into my work, to build up the foundation for my career.

finally, i feel myself fighting for what i want, instead of giving up like i always do.

maybe cos i have already adopted the attitude, i do what i have to do and as best as i can, and tell myself the most they sack me lor.

i really hate my editor i tell you.
but thats another story.


im still in the office now, production period....so tiring.

but surprisingly i like it.



well.....beats feeling lonely at home.


sure would like some sleep though.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

haiz

its one of those days...

where everything seems to go wrong..right from the start...

am i really such a bad person?

i need to stop making excuses for myself...

sometimes, i just feel too tired to go on.


dear, am i really such a bad person in your heart?

im trying my best to work hard, to build up my career...

there's no encouragement, just skepticism.


trying to please everybody.


dear, do you really hate me that much?




sometimes i feel, there's no point going on this road.

i don't have the strength anymore.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

confusion

i'm so so tired...every week seems to be so long and draggy...
i'm also sick, every muscle in my body aches...
i'm sad too, everytime my mind wanders again my heart gets a shot of pain.


i dunno why im feeling so depressed.
i dunno why my feeling tells me its not right.


i just feel like being alone.

i wish i could just sleep and never wake up.


Love so strong it hurts so badly.


...or maybe its PMS.

Friday, September 21, 2007

new job

okay...finally the update on my new job!

i am now a writer at HotStuff Magazine!

for those koo-koos who have never read HotStuff before, its an aftermarket automotive magazine; in other words, car magazine for tiong cars!

its like a dream come true!


but, it really takes up a lot of time. during production, everyone stays late to rush stuff.
when i say late, i mean LATE.

on friday they stayed till 6AM!!!!!!!!

ohmigod.




well......events and everything are also eating up my time....its great, i don't deny this is what i enjoy..
but then ah....
very tiring leh.

and then i got less time for him.



haiz....

will post more details when i have the mood. and pictures!!


p.s: i will be in the next issue! please go buy to support; or go kinokuniya and flip through hor!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

super shagged out!

sorry for the lack of posts...

the new car, together with the new job, is sapping up all my blogging time, not to mention my sleeping-reading-playinggame-shopping-staringintospace time.

promise to update asap!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

My long-time Lust

I finally found what I was looking for, and finally have the money to get it!

Mission Betty Flyweight Ice Hockey Skates!

isn't it just gorgeous?!?!?

couldn't find them in Singapore so found it on an online store. Am waiting for the person to get back to me on a price quote.

my own skates were leaving trails of broken bits of rubber the last time i used them......


it is soooo much cheaper now! used to retail in Singapore for $799, but now, its only US$59.99!

of cos its a bit out of style already...but who cares!!


im gonna get one for myself and one for Charmaine for her birthday pressie!


hope the fella gets back to me soon.....

Monday, September 03, 2007

class gathering

went for class gathering on wed...

was chatting with chuan wei, who kept having a glum face on, when i jokingly asked him:

"Why do you always look so depressed? You enjoy it ah?"

to which he answered:

"Sometimes being depressed is quite enjoyable. Why not give in to your true feelings?"

and with a knowing smile he added:

"At least I don't hide my unhappiness like you."



damn. am i so transparent?


Friday, August 24, 2007

closing my eyes

i force myself not to think anymore...
so that we can all be happy..
occasionally, it flits in my mind....
are they still contacting? is he still lying to me? is he doing anything behind my back?
i hurt.


i quit my job...
so am actively looking for another now.


i guess, part of me died that day
when he wanted to leave and just end it.
its all my fault and it will always be my fault.

i guess thats why the ache in my heart has lessened..
because i have lost hope
and not because i learn to let go...
or is it?


it doesn't really matter anymore..
even though i still think about it.
there's no point isn't it? to think and make yourself miserable.


i've been sad enough.


so maybe just blindly groping in the dark is better.
cos we are happy now.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

yawn

i am sooooooooooo tired!

work is horrible......can you believe that i don't even have time to eat? thank God i brought bread or i'd probably have to crawl home....


no time for break at all....everyday is rush rush rush......theres a deadline for this document, for that submission, for this updating......i can hardly stand up once i finis work.....


stupid system


*


anyway he's in KL for work now....
i guess my posts have been kinda depressing recently...sorry bout that.


i miss him....wonder if he misses me?
or is he glad to finally have a break away from me?


i think i think too much.....

but i can't help it! it comes naturally...
although if work keeps going on like this, i wouldn't have much brain cells to be able to think anymore.....


haiz.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

i wish i could just let go.
not let anything or anyone bother me
live my life happily
with the one i love

why did i realise too late that i love you?
why do i always feel you don't love me back?

why can't you realise why i do what i do?
why do you want me to accept whatever you do?
why cant you accept what I do?


when will this war end?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

oversaturated

he is still calling and smsing that girl...


he promised me he wouldnt...now he blames me for being selfish and that he just wants to keep her as a normal friend.


he even changed the name of her contact to another name...



i can never win any arguement with him....he twists everything and i have nothing to say...


why can't he listen to me for once, make me happy, maintain this relationship?


instead of keeping her in his life with the risk of breaking our relationship?


my heart aches.


he said he would gradually stop it, and that he felt guilty towards her cos he just left without a word.....so how long is this going to last? it seems like no end.


i dunno what to do anymore....


he says im possessive, overly suspicious...i agree i am paranoid.....


but who wants to share? which girl wants someone around that threatens the balance of a relationship?


why doesn't he ever understand and think about how I feel for once.


i know that its only a friend...but is she so important that he can't let her go? when he knows that if i find out it will shake us?


why can't i accept that she is just a friend? why must i make things worse?

so many questions in my head that he won't answer.


he said he would try to gradually stop contact.....i wish i could wait.




my world is crumbling.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

pangs of nostalgia

i wish he wouldn't shout at me...wish he could have a better temper...wish when i showed my temper he wouldn't make it seem like i shouldn't...

*


only one more day till i start my new job. 1st August. my first REAL job...

i really hope that it would be ok and that i would have more encouragement from everybody...everyone seems to have doubts about the job.....making me feel less confident with every criticism that i encounter...


well.....i shall try and see how it goes.......for the money. of cos it would be best if i enjoyed it too lah.


*

just heard from charlene that one couple in our clique, the youngest one in fact, may and wing, are saving $500 EACH every month for their future together....

leading me to think of us.


we haven't been saving for the longest time ever...i know he got his obligations and all.....but there's still no mention of any savings plan that we should adopt...

when i tried to mention, he asked me not to go out too often, that i was always going out.......


-_-


i know that he has spent a lot on me cos of my unemployed status and all...but sometimes, i just wish that he would mention that he was thinking of our savings plan for our future....it would be enough for me....

with the house slowly being built everyday...


and the car is coming....he spends more time thinking what he would get for the car, what to change, when to buy what.....


just for ONCE, i wish i was in his plans.


worse comes to worse, when the house is almost done and we haven't enough money for renovation, we need a plan to sabotage and delay the completion of the flat e.g cutting trees, drawing on freshly-painted walls, make the lifts not work, etc....


who's with me?


*



i don't even dare to think of geting married anymore; don't want to mention the wedding package, the ring, the dinner.....

when i see bridal shops, bridal magazines, peopel getting married, people proposing.....i just feel a tinge of sadness and have a mild ache in the heart....


i don't want to dream, just to get disappointed.....


i don't need anything unaffordable, now even getting registered i would be happy. I would even PAY for it. only $20++.


but of cos i hope to get a proposal lah.



but seems highly unlikely at the moment....=(

Sunday, July 29, 2007

brain-dead

sometimes i just require some assurance.....just a hug, letting me know that everything's ok...

instead i get accusatory stares, sarcastic remarks,scoldings......


tears and more tears...



when will he have the patience to get me through it & be there for me when i need him, instead of brushing me off like i am an irritating housefly...



at times like this...




sometimes i just wish something would happen to me so i can see who will cry for my pain.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Simpsons Movie

watched The Simpsons Movie with him, my brother, Yenlin and Gracie!~

I haven't laughed so much for a long time! I think we all needed a laugh.

i particularly liked this part!

Enjoy!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

i love surprises!!

i was at home, happily minding my own business, when he suddenly appeared at my bedroom door!!

he was supposedly on the way home still, at least, that was what he said when we were on the phone 2mins ago.

i think he has a superpower.

anyway, he smiled and produced a plastic bag from behind his bag [note: still think he has superpowers]...

it was a gift for me!!! my absolute favourite!! something that i have been lusting after for a long time but was too broke to get:


i was so touched......he hasn't done something like that for a long time.....oh happy day!

i feel SO loved....*goofy grin on face* =)

Thank you dear!~

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Finally!!

he brought me to watch harry potter!!


unfortunately, it wasn't as fantastic as it should be...seems like a flashback kinda movie, with no apparant links, and they even changed the storyline!! [Cho Chang's friend was the one that betrayed the DA, not Cho!! and Hagrid was suppose to introduce Thestrals during class, not Luna, who brought Harry to the forest to feed the Thestrals.]

it was like you were expected to know the story already, and watching it just to have a visual image.....



wasted.


Saturday, July 21, 2007

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows


Finally!!! the book is finally out!!!


i pre-ordered the adult version weeks before at a popular bookstore, being the kiasu Singaporean that I was.


But when i arrived at the bookstore to get the treasure, thy told me that they were out of the adult version, and only had the children's version left.

Now I mean it was the same book.

But I wanted the ADULT VERSION!!!
Shouldn't they be ordering enough books to fill the orders? Isn't that what pre-ordering is for??


I bought it anyway.....after waiting for so long I can't wait another second longer.

Now, excuse me while I put on my witch's hat and disappear.

till i finish the book!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

just a thought..

i know he loves me....

maybe he's just not loving me in the way that i want him to?
different way of doing things you know..


that could prove a problem.

Monday, July 16, 2007

emotionally exhausted

it was a tough weekend...

quarrel after quarrel....

with him asking me to leave again....


we seem to be on different wavelengths...he doesn't understand why i behave the way i do.


and he just keeps adopting the "i'm right, you're wrong" attitude...

i'm starting to become paranoid, angry and picking at everything again.

now, i suddenly know why i'm so angry; why i keep pleading for him to show love and care, why i crave the comfort and concern...



i am afraid.


i fear he is back with me just because of habit, to complete his plan.

i fear that everytime he chases me away, is because he really wants to, and is using our quarrels as an excuse.

i fear that he will change his mind, that once i let go of my focus that i will nver be able to find my way back.



i fear that he no longer loves me.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix



The movie opens today!!
I unfortunately, am still waiting for a certain someone to offer to bring me to watch the movie. =(

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

attached

have been going for interviews these couple of days......sometimes i think issit that i am too choosy or is there no jobs available?
and i have to run through the job scope, company name, location, salary, boss's character, size of office, etc....to him, my parents, yenlin and like half the population of the world before i can actually accept the job.

i think this stringent selection process makes it hard for me to find a job...ever.


anyway....me and him have been comfortably happy together recently, just the occasional fluttering of the wings of doubt ......

but all is good so far lah. thank you for all your concern and for keeping me company through this difficult time. =)

*

well....he has made a deposit on the payment for a new car!

this is his first time buying a car and has been a want for him for a long time!

at first we were apprehensive, cos the model he wanted was a bit overbudget, and his stupid stingy ask-him-to-buy-car-for-a-long-time-but-when-say-want-to-buy-suddenly-got-cold-feet-and-say-wait-one-more-year ngeow boss dampened our mood.....


but i, being the supportive, understanding girlfriend that i am, analysed the pros and cons of him buying another lesser model just to get a car, compared to paying a bit more to get something that he really likes.

i offered to help with half the installments.
when i get a job of cos.

of cos this offer is from the goodness of my heart, cos of love and all...

but, at least if i pay something, it would be ours, then i got share mah...heehee =P

i shall stick pictures of myself and my name all over so everyone will know HE'S MINE muahaha *evil laugh*.

but we have to wait till september before the car comes...


so, a sneak preview, presenting the Suzuki Swift Sports 1.6MT

cute right?!?!?!

Friday, July 06, 2007

good tidings!

i decided not to take up the job btw.....but guess what??

i have two interviews on Monday! after sending so many resumes out, finally i have an answer!!

but the thing is that.....i sent out too many, till i dun remember which ones are these....=(

so i will just try to find out and go unprepared on monday...wish me luck!

hope its a good job with good prospects, with good pay and nice colleagues and boss. haha.


*

and another good news!


i just got my results, and i PASSED!!!!!

i am now officially a GRADUATE WITH A BACHELOR IN MULTIMEDIA STUDIES!
*pats myself on the back*

steady right?



that's one hurdle passed, the thought of having to continue studying for another half year sends shivers down my spine....of course i will advance to get my Masters, but lets take a break from studying at the moment, shall we?

*

i am waiting for tonight to get the best news of all.........THAT I WIN TOTO. 6 million.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

decisions..

i got offered a job in a image consulting firm today...

but after googling it, found out that forums painted it in a bad light....sorta like MLM; where you sorta try to get people to pay for packages and all.....i mean it is still a job right? just in a more, agressive and underhanded way.....?


i really hate MLM.


should i try it out just to survive this poor period while i look for another job? or maybe by some chance i might like it?

or should i reject it straight to uphold my morals?


damn.

Monday, July 02, 2007

the beginning

he has started to be much closer to me...and treating me nicely. making plans to go out, keeping me company, not being irritated with my presence...


my persistance has paid off?

i am still unsure....and so i voice out my doubts.


what are we now? i thought you wanted time to think? i thought you wanted your freedom?
a million questions race through my brain...


he looks at me with tender eyes, and gives me a hug; and utters the three words that I have been desperately waiting to hear.....






"I am back."

Saturday, June 30, 2007

spring cleaning

hey all,

thanks you for offering me encouragement and advice throughout this difficult period.

just one thing i think you guys are not clear about...


no matter how pathetic i make myself seem, how miserable i might appear, please get one thing straight.........remember, as i mentioned in my posts...I caused it.


i did a great wrong to him thats why he is so undecided right now. i dismissed him heartlessly even though he tried for 5mths to desperately try and win me back. it was until he totally gave up hope on me and left did i realise that i wanted him back....selfish huh....



of cos i dun admit that everything is totally my fault lah.....i left cos he was too demanding.......and now, im so miserable because he is so undecided and i feel like i'm dangling in mid air, unable to go up or down. he has also changed; not as caring as before, unable to give 100 per cent. His bad.

why do i want to go back, you ask me? why when he seems to be playing around with my feelings?


its because he really is very very nice to me, and he really really loves me, despite all that has happened.


so try not to keep saying him ok? no relationship is smooth-sailing right?



i know you care. thanks peeps, for helping me get through this period and lending a listening eye. =)



update: i did a bit of rewording, cos the comment made me realise i wasn't clear in what i was trying to say. thanks for making me realise, unknown commenter.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

broken heart

i know and accept that whatever that is happening now is mostly my own fault.

what i want is to feel that he loves me, not leave me in the dark as he leads a seperate life that i dunno anything of. why can't he include me?

i wish for last time, for the strong feelings we had for each other, when he actually still missed me.

do u think i enjoy being paranoid? do u think i enjoy quarreling? both are at fault, if you ask me.


its just that you leave so many question marks and then expect me to keep quiet and not ask.




i guess......maybe......he doesn't love me as much anymore......


but....i will try; try till he tells me straight in my face that he doesn't love me anymore. try till he forces me to leave.



Because I know now, too late, that i love him.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

confused

i'm so confused


what exactly is wrong now?


so many factors, so many things unclear.



i hate my life

solitary me..

he is unable to give me a 100 percent...i feel he just cant wait to get away from me...he is forcing himself to be a boyfriend to me.

he is not sure, he wants time to think about it before he makes a choice...again...then he tried being very nice to me for the whole day...forcing himself to have the feeling again.

what's the point? i couldnt just sit there and pretend nothings wrong and behave as normal when i keep thinking when, when will he say he wants to leave me???

am i so difficult to love?


he just agreed to take a break from each other so easily......so sad.......charmaine brought up the fact that he never even indicate for how long.....so am i supposed to wait indefinately??? without even knowing what the answer is until he decides to make a decision?


its only been a day, and he still calls and messages like nothing is wrong......im so confused......whats that meaning of this? is he pitying me? or feeling guilty?

its only been a day, and i already miss him so damn much



i dont want him to treat me well because of guilt.


***

last night, under the influence of alcohol, i sent an impulsive sms to him, "I'm so bored without you"........only to get a reply, "dun be like that, its only the first day.."

i hurt.



as i left to go home from union, the skies cried the tears that i was unable to shed. Exchanging sms-es as he warned me about the weather, and i asked him if he was going to take an umbrella to shelter me...half-jokingly of cos...but i hope..



exhausted by a chatty taxi driver, greeted by a barran void deck, i had the sudden impulse to just drench myself in the heavy, heavy rain. maybe it would make me feel better.


i satisfied myself by sitting there, as i inhaled.

waiting for the long long lift, suddenly, from the corner of my eye, i saw...him. he braved the rain to come shelter me....


im so touched that he did that for me; and i know he loves me, but i know its not an answer.




dear. thank you for at least making me happy for one night, when i was most down.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Reflections

I haven't been sleeping well..

ever since he told me all he said that night..


i feel so useless, so fucked up, so lost....


im not worth it at all.....

clinging on to the only hope that he loved me enough to come back and try again even though i did him wrong.
the only hope that he chose me instead......

but i wonder, what if he regrets?

now i dunno what to do, dunno where to go..

should i leave him alone to his own devices, even though i miss him so much every minute?
should i go out more, so he can have the personal time the he keeps requesting for?
should i stick closer, to rebuild the relationship?



i don't feel wanted anymore. =(
sometimes

when i look in the mirror


i see a stranger looking back at me

Thursday, June 14, 2007

beautiful

saw this on http://www.perezhilton.com/ ....its absolutely beautiful

press "play", "pause" it and wait for it to fully load, and watch the whole thing straight.





her truly impressive performance of Somewhere Over The Rainbow on Britain's Got Talent.


such a young girl, with such a fantastic voice, so full of emotion and without music!

don't know why, but when i heard the little sweetie singing, my eyes filled up with tears...

emotions i felt i could not identify...


was it all the stresses of recent events fightng to be released through my over flowing eyes?

i had a headache trying to hold them in.




i never felt more alone.


Friday, June 08, 2007

...and the days turn to months

so sorry for the lack of updates....

was busy trying to finish my homework and discover the secret to self-preservation.

.....i'm trying......to forget, to forgive......to pretend nothing is wrong at all.....to pretend that we are not distant......



i just wish that he would make it easier for me.

Friday, May 25, 2007

its so hard

why is it so difficult for me to let go of the past? the paronoia is killing me, like a snake uncoiling inside, waiting to attack.

all i want is to feel that he cares, that he loves me...that i matter more, that i'm more important.....

i try to tell him, to make him understand...but he thinks i'm possessive, and sensitive...how can i explain how i feel? should i just stupidly take it that nothing is wrong and blindly plunge into the darkness?

dear, do you really prefer me to be dumb?

being a couple, we must compromise, we have to not do things to make each other unhappy, we should make each other comfortable instead right? i really don't want things to be so unhappy...i'm so tired of apologising. i just want it to be the two of us ONLY...and nothing else. i want to feel that i am important to him, that he is also trying to keep me by his side, instead of asking me to fuck off everytime we quarrel.

what will happen if we get married? he said he has changed...but he still shouts at me in public, he still has his MCP habits, so what if he lets me go out now? that's not what i want now. when i remind him of his promise, he says that he doesn't like to make promises to me cos i keep reminding him of it. WTF?? now even making promises is wrong? so i can't remind him of it anymore??

I have never been the submissive kind of girl who sits there and agrees to everything you say like an idiot. i will give in, but i will also fight for my rights and what i think is right. i am not a weak woman. i am not an idiot.

maybe the BF prefers idiots.

i don't feel loved anymore.

i don't feel he needs me anymore.




i feel like giving up.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

heartbreak

being my usual kaypo paranoid suspicious self, last night i looked through his mobile again..

he created a folder to specially keep all the bitch's pictures.

why? is she so important that he has to consolidate all her pictures in a folder? is it for easy viewing for himself? and it was done only last week.

i feel that i have wasted my time, my energy, on a cause that is not worth it. after trying so hard, to trust him, to believe, to forget and forgive, i still have to stumble upon a whole fucking folder dedicated to her.

i told him; she has to disappear, no more calls, no more msgs....like she never existed..

he said he just wanted to put everything together so i wouldn't find it here and there. he said that there was nothing and that it was only a memory. did he honestly think that i would think that way?? how could he even think that i would be happy with him keeping that fucking bitch pictures in his mobile and computer???

i'm trying so hard, to not mention, to be happy and to make him happy. i'm trying...so hard...

why can't he just make me trust him.

*

i had a bad night. i dreamt that i tried to forget everything and be acquaintances with that bitch, and allowed him to talk to her.
then i realised that he was lying to me, constantly contacting her and meeting up with her....like the last time when he lied to me..
in the dream, i confronted him...and he said that he would continue, whether i liked it or not...
i cried and cried....i was so lost, i felt so stupid.
i walked off and went to ask the bitch, if she could just leave him alone. begging.
i was so weak, so lousy.....

i woke up in tears.


what am i going to do.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Monday, May 21, 2007

sorry for the late update

so sorry for not updating.....i have had a lot of things on my mind recently....so didnt really have to mood to say anything..

well, me and the BF are back together....of cos things have not been the same....he was still hung up over that girl....and was constantly meeting her and smsing her when he told he he was with me!

i mean, like if you really want time to rest and think properly, dun tell me that you want to be with me and then still try to choose....one hand hugging me, another hand smsing her....i really dun wan to hate her, but i mean, when people tell you that they already have a girlfriend, please show some basic respect lah, don't keep calling and messaging, are you doing it on purpose?? She should know that if the other girl [me] sees the msgs then will lead to a quarrel right? well...its difficult to have any good thoughts about that bitch. I don't think she is as simple as she seems.....*dark look*

he says he chooses me, but i still can't help being paranoid....i mean, when he was with me, he still do all the things behind my back.....how to trust him?? at least what i did, even though was wrong, but at least i wasn't with him at that time mah.....

well....we are back together.....everything seems ok....but he hasn't said he loved me in a long time.......and whenever i ask him, he evades the question..... am i wrong to want to hear sweet nothings to make mysef happy??? he makes me feel that he is undecided still...that once i turn my back he will go running back to that bitch.....the suspicion is eating away at my very soul and mind.........

but i'm trying to trust him.....to be together trust is very important right? i just hope that he will try to make me feel secure....just like what i am trying very hard to do.....


hmm...so much for the relationship thingy....i'm getting quite sick of thinking about it......its really tiring for the brain...


just one more week and i finish my last assignment! that means i graduate [if i pass] and i have to.....start looking for a full-time job........up till now i really dunno what i want to do....having lost my focus due to the relationship thing....what should i do?
my parents want me to get a highly paid job with a nice-to-hear designation.......


so....any job offers?

Saturday, May 05, 2007

i live alone; absolutely alone

the BF has found out something that has changed his perspective of me forever...

harsh words were exchanged, he wanted to leave; i shamelessly clung on to him for dear life...crying, begging, pleading....don't leave me, i can't live without you...

too late i realised the folly of my ways, too late have i tried to salvage the dying relationship; too late did i realise what i really needed and wanted....i have seen what i did wrong, and i have tried so hard to clear it all up.....and i almost did....

till he found out.


now, no matter what i say and do, its no use anymore...i hurt him beyond words, and he will never forgive me...what should be said has been spoken, nothing will ease the pain and change the fact. now all i can do is sit and watch as he drifts out of my reach, as i shed bitter tears for the unsolvable situation which me, and me alone, caused.


i love you, i regret, i know what i did wrong. please forgive me dear, come back.