Reflections

Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you
realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

A cup of love

there's nothing like a cup of fragrant, sweet tea to cure a depressed night.

Tears In Heaven

Dear Mummy,

I am in Heaven now, sitting on god's lap. He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken. I so wanted to be your little boy. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existance.

I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping.

Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me. Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mummy, Mummy, help me please; Mummy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop.

I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your son. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me to god and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and He was my Father now. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little boy.

I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mummy, please watch out for that abortion monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.


Love,
Your Baby Boy

" I hand them over to you, My Lord, to keep them warm and safe,
to love them like I couldn't, until the day that we reunite. "
- Anonymous

The Right One

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you,

for exactly what you are – good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you.

the right person’s still going to think the sunshine shines out of your ass.

that’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.


- juno (2007)

Nostalgic Night

Do you ever read your old diaries?

Flipping the pages as you read and re-read pages of your scribbled handwriting, each form and structure unique as they depict the emotions that pour on the pages of the well-worn notebook.

As you run your fingers and embrace the familiar feel of the letters pressed into the smooth paper, you re-visit times of joy and sorrow. You remember the incidents that created the entry and touch the dried tears that has smudged the ink.

the messy lines, the neat words, the long rants, the short sentances; then you remember how the pen and paper accompanied you at the times when you were most down, when you were alone in your room, crying your heart out; softly, lest you were overheard; at the point when you were about to give up on everything else, because you felt like dying, because there was no way to solve it; incidents after incidents that seems so similar and different at the same time; love lost and found; words of despair and pain.

then you lose yourself in the memories of surprise gifts and small gestures of love; the outings, the softly spoken words, the nights of confessions, the stolen hugs and kisses and meetings; the small bursts of love and passion from strangers that have left footprints; the arrivals and departures; new ventures and gain.




the comfort of writing.

*

i have been in a state of depression again.

ever since yenlin; ever since the horrible flight.
or what was it?


it went away for a while.




tonight, it visits again.


i feel lonely, and empty.
wondering what am i doing, what should I do.
i must be strong, but I am weakened.

i don't know how long more I can stay strong.
But i have to; my friends need me. I have to.


I haven't been able to cry for a long while.
Even if I do, it stops immediately.

I long for a good looong cry right now.
Maybe it might make me feel better?


or maybe I have no more tears left.





I wish I knew what was wrong.

THANKS AND GRATITUDE

Just received this in an email:

Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's
your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain,
jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when
your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on
this earth forever. One day, we will not have to worry about going to work
or how we will make our car payment.

We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how
we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of
this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow,
for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. When you wake up each
morning, thank the Lord for waking you up.

When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day.
If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that
He May bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you
the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job,
thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you.


When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank
the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you
are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If
you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So
the next time that you get mad, think twice.

The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice.
The next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken,
think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has
given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God
knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a
gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back.


Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what
you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No
matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement,
and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't
cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.


Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him.

God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in
time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present
us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says. The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last.

Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for
us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes
on our backs, we should thank Him anyway.

I think that we are not thankful for what we have; instead, we always wish we had more, and envy others better than us, with thing that we crave.

We must realise and be grateful for the simple things in life, because without Him, we would have nothing.

Amen to that.

Doe, a deer, a female deer!

I love the way it seems that they all spontaneously joined in the dance!

I wanna do that too!

To be a part of something so random and amazing and happy would be wonderful!!




must start planning!!!