wake up call

last week was kind of a blur.
i drank and drank...then i woke up and everything was fresh again

im so lucky to have people who care, who believe in me
who loves me for who i am, without judging me.

so what if i can't find true love now? it doesn't matter to me much anymore

so long as i have my friends, and my loved ones beside me every step of the way.

i might not know what i want, but i know what i DON'T want.

and i have to take the first step to eliminate what's bad for me

i'm much happier with what i have left, instead of worrying over what i'm going to lose.

i believe i will have my turn; maybe not anytime soon, but someday...

with each bold step i take, i'm following my destiny, that may lead me to my eventual happiness.

I just want to be happy.

Tiring Saturday

I went to attend SGTrackies' Drift Clinic event today.

It was held at that fateful place, Changi Exhibition Centre, again.
I get hit with so many memories when im there.


Guess what?


I was happily walking along, and minding my own business, when from the corner of my eyes, i saw a couple. They were sitting comfortably in one of the buildings, watching the drifting. I approached and took a glance.


it was him.....with her.



all the past memories suddenly hit me like a rock.

when he approached my way with her hanging on his arm.
when he knew that i was coming, and he insisted that she followed him against his will.
when he shifted all the blame to me, by believing in rumours and pulling up my past.
when i found out she was still around.
when i tried to be nice and explain and make him trust me.
when he ran away, leaving me alone with them.
when he left me, to give her another chance.


and to think that i tried to believe.


but surprisingly, i didn't hurt.
my mind just went blank.
i already guessed, although he was avoiding answering when i asked.


i just walked past them, pretending that i didn't see them.
i contemplated going up to say hi or something.
But i only have enough control to walk away and regard them as renovation materials.

i don't think i can stand trying to make conversation.
i'm not strong enough for that.

*

i just want to be loved.
to have someone that i love who loves me
who belongs wholeheartedly to me.
i should have the right to choose shouldn't i?
and not be forced.

*


i hate him. for the wuss that he is.
i hate myself for being so stupid.


i hate Changi Exhibition Centre.

low esteem

My horoscope for today:

"You possess an original mind and singular expression that makes you so unique and special. Give yourself credit for being one-of-a-kind. Anyone who's with you is a lucky person, and don't you forget it!"

it made me feel better. i need words of encouragement more than ever now.


have been rather down recently.
thinking about stuff before and at present.


my confidence and esteem level is at its all time low.
i feel ugly, i feel low, i feel unhappy.


maybe its cos its that time of the month.


so tired from everything.

*

now im frantically trying to clear all my stuff before i leave.
im not sure if i can do that.

my editor's threatening me with my early release cos i'm so slack nowadays.


can i help it if i don't really give a fuck anymore?

i believe i can fly

well.....have officially been confirmed!
managed to convince my boss to let me off in a month's time.

so my last day is august 8th.

my training starts on August 14th.


i hope everything goes well....

*

have tried to get back in the dating game......but i realise that i can't bring myself to play anymore.....so tiring, and it so different and so difficult!

last time was so much easier...


maybe i'm losing my charm?


damn.

exhausted!

have been sooooo damn busy and tired recently.
even though i have been resting at home and sleeping earlier than usual, I still feel so tired and lethargic. my whole body is nua and i keep yawning.

maybe its the after effects of my badminton workout last week?

I feel old...!

*

well....im still waiting for the call......so i called SIA instead.
She was busy and asked me to call back on Monday.

so i have to wait the weekend ...... -_-

*

its a tiring day today....

last night went to Dragonfly for Meta's birthday.....i think the place is really packed and really boring actually. I didn't even have the chance to dance much cos i kept having to give way to the passing crowd...i really think its a waste of time, maybe like going occasionally for the music or dance, but every week? Nah......i'd rather go to Bulldog.....at least I have a place to sit.

after the late night, have to force myself to wake this morning...
went to Kallang Leisurepark for the Tamiya Endurance Race.

don't even know how to control the stupid remote control car, keep banging the walls and getting knocked by all the other cars.......our team's car ended the race without the front bumper and bended skirtings....and in last place. hahaha.

i prefer driving the real thing anytime.


after that rushed down with my brother to join my colleagues in badminton again.
was so tiring! but i think i was better than last week cos i could last longer without rest this time.


feels good to exercise! i need to lose some weight....



i'm looking forward to a nice long sleep tonight.
Later.