have you ever felt that the person you are with is not the one that you want to be with? no matter how well they are treating you, how much they love you, how much sacrifices they make for you, you still have that empty feeling....and your heart tells you that there is something out there, or someone else, that you would rather be with, someoneelse that you love and someone else that you would be willing to sacrifice your all for?
someone told me once that the one you marry will never be the one that you love most, or the one that loves you most...it will be the one that you can live with. Is that all to it? your lifelong partner is chosen cos they can cook? or they are neat enough? is marriage just a desperate bid to live a normal life, conforming to societial expectations, just to fufil the need for companionship and to eliminate the fear of being lonely?
i want someone that i love, someone that loves me back. someone that i can be happy with; that i am willing to die for, that is willing to exchange his life for me should i be held hostage by terrorists. someone that can understand my need to cry during PMS periods and just hold me and not ask so much. somone who would listen to me when i bitch and whine. someone who would just...hold me and love me unconditionally. not scold me when i decide to jump on the platform and pole-dance, not get irritated when i ask my stream of endless questions, be proud of me when i get complimented, and not try to hide me in the shadows..
i want someone that i will be willing to give up my time for, someone i will learn to cook for, that i will stay awake till the wee hours of the morning to wait for his call no matter how tired i am. someone who i will miss tremendously, that will make me smile when i think of him, someone that i will buy stuff for when i go shopping, that i will worry for when he's sick, that i will be willing to sit by his bed for hours to put a cold towel to his forehead when he is having a fever. someone that i can fuss over even though his injury is just a small cut, someone that i will pray for when i go to the temple. someone that i will conquer my fear for driving in the night to pick him up cos he's drunk, someone that i will dress up for, that i will be interested in learning the use of cold air intake and ECU chip in the car, that i will learn to watch soccer for.
matters of the heart hurt the most, but it is also the one that is the most difficult to solve...i've fallen, and i've dragged myself up, to continue on my journey of heartache, but still i cant let go; i cant keep an open mind, i cant share.....
i have much to learn....in the meantime, i just have to keep hurting.
