hurt

Until today,

You still don't know how much I hurt.

Why?

I guess I'm always banking on the hope that he still feels the same way, that my constant msging and calls are not irritating him instead, that he still thinks of me fondly throughout the day.

Suddenly it feels that I am a stranger, someone that is irritating him, like a fly that keeps buzzing at your ear but you can't see it to swipe it away. Whenever I finally get him on the line, I can't help but be sad and depressed, not at all the happy-go-lucky girl that used to be me. But how to remain happy when all I want is to have him by my side??

It's eerily familiar how he says he needs time to think and all without actually giving a reason. That's how I used to when I wanted to put someone down gently. Maybe he just doesn't want me around anymore, and hopes that this space or time apart will make me slowly walk away whilst not wishing ill upon him. IT'S NOT WORKING BABY.

I feel lost, i feel desperate, i feel upset and unhappy. Maybe he's no longer in love with me anymore, after all my moods and sarcasm and mad logic; maybe it's really me. Maybe all he wants is to get back to his other life and back to his bachelorhood. Maybe I'm like a SUPER hinderance in his quest for happiness[not exactly the perfect girlfriend recently] Maybe there's something wrong with me, too needy, too loud, too friendly, too much. maybe I don't make him happy anymore. Maybe we stopped being happy together. Maybe he stopped being happy with me.



I just want this pain to go away.

Square One

It is like deja vu that I find myself once again at this point.

No matter how much i pray, wish, swear, curse, beg, cry, etc....nothing's gonna change it.

I just wish for the strength to see this through, without giving up before the end.



Maybe I'm the problem.