alone

i hate being alone overseas in the hotel room.

i seem to be going out more often recently. although im tired and all.

i'm not myself anymore. i am not the happy person i used to be, full of nonsense and the entertainer in a group. i now exclude myself and is content with just sitting in a corner and listening; hoping someone would show me some attention. i'm tired of having to get attention on my own. sometimes i wonder if my presence plays a part or not.

i cling desperately to my looks, my voice, playing pool, drinking, being the fun person i used to be; because i feel that no one actually would want to know me or be my friend if they dun have a reason to. without all these, who would see me for what i am? who would like me for me?

sometimes, being alone, i think of what had been and could have been. and i regret sometimes doing what i do. sometimes i wish that I could have had those feelings again, those moments replayed. with the same person. why couldn't i have held on to what was working, instead of leaving cause of my own fears and disillusions?

i'm scared, i'm wounded. and i'm not willing to heal myself but keep subjecting myself to hurt, and run away when an old wound threatens to hurt, even before it starts hurting.



when will i cross my own hurdle?

hmm

have been thinking of getting a blog for jus my work. i mean i could put my more serious writing there so i can share on a more professional level.

any ideas for blog names?


i managed to register melissacheng.blogspot.com but was thinking of using it to replace this.




suggestions?

Happy Birthday To Me!

I'm 27!!

Another year older, another year of happiness and sorrows.

Happy Birthday to me.

Endorphine - Nam Dtem Kaew - น้ำเต็มแก้ว

I have been going to Thai discos just to try to get the title for this song.
Finally I managed to find it! I love it!

Have to find their album cos the rest of their songs are quite good too!!

Enjoy.



วันๆที่เป็นอยู่ เฝ้าทำเพื่อเธอทุกอย่าง
wan-wan tee bpen yoo fao tam peua ter took yaang
Every day I did everything for you.

แต่ใจเธอไม่เคยลืมรักครั้งเก่าd
tae jai ter mai koie leum rak krang gao
But your heart never forget your past love.

เธอเป็นแก้วใบหนึ่ง ที่เต็มไปด้วยน้ำเปล่า
ter bpen gaew bai neung tee dtem bpai duay naam bplao
You are like a glass that is full of water,

ยิ่งเทเติมลงไปมีแต่ล้นออก
ying tay dterm long bpai mee dtae lon ok
which overflows when it is filled with water

คนเก่า รักเก่า เธอไม่เคยลบเลือน
kon gao rak gao ter mai koie lop leuan
Your past love is still in your heart.

คนใหม่ รักใหม่ เลยท้อ
kon mai rak mai loie tor
The one who (now) loves you is feeling disheartened.

จริงๆเข้าใจอยู่ กับความทรงจำครั้งเก่า
jing-jing kao jai yoo gap kwaam song jam krang gao
I understand that you hold on to the past memories.

แต่อย่าเอามันมาปิดกั้นหัวใจ
dtae yaa ao man maa bpit gan hua jai
But do not use it to seal the door to your heart.

เปลี่ยนเป็นแก้วเปล่า แก้วใหม่ เปิดใจทีนะเธอ
bplian bpen gaew bplao gaew mai bpert jai tee na ter
Change your heart into an empty glass, a new glass. Open your heart,

รับหน่อย รู้หน่อย ความรัก จากฉัน
rap noi roo noi kwaam rak jaak chan
accept and know my love for you.

ฉันยังต้องรออีกนานไหม ต้องรอเธออีกนานไหม
chan yang dtong ror eek naan mai dtong ror ter eek naan mai
How much longer must I wait? Must I wait for a long time?

ถึงจะได้เจอกับรักที่เธอเคยบอกฉัน
teung ja daai jer gap rak tee ter koie bok chan
Only then will I have your love.

เมื่อไหร่รักเก่าระเหย ฉันรอให้เธอได้ลืมเขาสักวัน
meua-rai rak gao ra-hoie chan ror hai ter daai leum kao sak wan
When will you forget your past love? I am waiting for you to forget her.

เพื่อการเริ่มใหม่ ครั้งใหม่ เพื่อเธอกับฉันและรักเรา
peua gaan rerm-mai krang mai peua ter gap chan lae rak rao
For a new beginning, a new era, for you and me, and our love.
(Interlude)

ทุ่มเทเท่าไหร่มันก็ล้นเท่านั้น
toom tay tao-rai man gor lon tao nan
However much I lavish my love on you, it flows away out of your heart.

ไม่อาจสัมผัสเข้าถึงสักครั้ง
mai aat sam-pat kao teung sak krang
My love is unable to enter your heart.

ฉันยังต้องรออีกนานไหม ต้องรอเธออีกนานไหม
chan yang dtong ror eek naan mai dtong ror ter eek naan mai
How much longer must I wait? Must I wait for a long time?

ถึงจะได้เจอกับรักที่เธอเคยบอกฉัน
teung ja daai jer gap rak tee ter koie bok chan
Only then will I have your love.

เมื่อไหร่รักเก่าระเหย ฉันรอให้เธอได้ลืมเขาสักวัน
meua-rai rak gao ra-hoie chan ror hai ter daai leum kao sak wan
When will you forget your past love? I am waiting for you to forget her.

เพื่อการเริ่มใหม่ ครั้งใหม่ บอกหน่อย
peua gaan rerm-mai krang mai bok noi
For a new beginning, a new era, please tell me.

ฉันควรรอต่อไปไหม ต้องรอเธออีกนานไหม
chan kuan ror dtor bpai mai dtong ror ter eek naan mai
Should I continue to wait for you? Must I wait for a long time?

ถึงจะได้เจอกับรักที่เธอเคยบอกฉัน
teung ja daai jer gap rak tee ter koie bok chan
Only then will I have your love.

เมื่อไหร่รักเก่าระเหย ฉันรอให้เธอได้ลืมเขาสักวัน
meua-rai rak gao ra-hoie chan ror hai ter daai leum kao sak wan
When will you forget your past love? I am waiting for you to forget her.

เพื่อการเริ่มใหม่ ครั้งใหม่ เพื่อเธอกับฉันและรักเรา
peua gaan rerm-mai krang mai peua ter gap chan lae rak rao
For a new beginning, a new era, for you and me, and our love.

hmm

sorry for the lack of updates.

have been really busy with an empty mind so words don't seem to form.

busy facebooking though.

and have a whole load of pictures to edit and upload!



later.

Reflections

Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you
realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

A cup of love

there's nothing like a cup of fragrant, sweet tea to cure a depressed night.

Tears In Heaven

Dear Mummy,

I am in Heaven now, sitting on god's lap. He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken. I so wanted to be your little boy. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existance.

I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping.

Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me. Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mummy, Mummy, help me please; Mummy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop.

I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your son. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me to god and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and He was my Father now. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little boy.

I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mummy, please watch out for that abortion monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.


Love,
Your Baby Boy

" I hand them over to you, My Lord, to keep them warm and safe,
to love them like I couldn't, until the day that we reunite. "
- Anonymous

The Right One

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you,

for exactly what you are – good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you.

the right person’s still going to think the sunshine shines out of your ass.

that’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.


- juno (2007)

Nostalgic Night

Do you ever read your old diaries?

Flipping the pages as you read and re-read pages of your scribbled handwriting, each form and structure unique as they depict the emotions that pour on the pages of the well-worn notebook.

As you run your fingers and embrace the familiar feel of the letters pressed into the smooth paper, you re-visit times of joy and sorrow. You remember the incidents that created the entry and touch the dried tears that has smudged the ink.

the messy lines, the neat words, the long rants, the short sentances; then you remember how the pen and paper accompanied you at the times when you were most down, when you were alone in your room, crying your heart out; softly, lest you were overheard; at the point when you were about to give up on everything else, because you felt like dying, because there was no way to solve it; incidents after incidents that seems so similar and different at the same time; love lost and found; words of despair and pain.

then you lose yourself in the memories of surprise gifts and small gestures of love; the outings, the softly spoken words, the nights of confessions, the stolen hugs and kisses and meetings; the small bursts of love and passion from strangers that have left footprints; the arrivals and departures; new ventures and gain.




the comfort of writing.

*

i have been in a state of depression again.

ever since yenlin; ever since the horrible flight.
or what was it?


it went away for a while.




tonight, it visits again.


i feel lonely, and empty.
wondering what am i doing, what should I do.
i must be strong, but I am weakened.

i don't know how long more I can stay strong.
But i have to; my friends need me. I have to.


I haven't been able to cry for a long while.
Even if I do, it stops immediately.

I long for a good looong cry right now.
Maybe it might make me feel better?


or maybe I have no more tears left.





I wish I knew what was wrong.

THANKS AND GRATITUDE

Just received this in an email:

Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's
your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain,
jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when
your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on
this earth forever. One day, we will not have to worry about going to work
or how we will make our car payment.

We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how
we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of
this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow,
for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. When you wake up each
morning, thank the Lord for waking you up.

When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day.
If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that
He May bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you
the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job,
thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you.


When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank
the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you
are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If
you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So
the next time that you get mad, think twice.

The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice.
The next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken,
think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has
given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God
knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a
gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back.


Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what
you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No
matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement,
and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't
cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.


Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him.

God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in
time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present
us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says. The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last.

Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for
us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes
on our backs, we should thank Him anyway.

I think that we are not thankful for what we have; instead, we always wish we had more, and envy others better than us, with thing that we crave.

We must realise and be grateful for the simple things in life, because without Him, we would have nothing.

Amen to that.

Doe, a deer, a female deer!

I love the way it seems that they all spontaneously joined in the dance!

I wanna do that too!

To be a part of something so random and amazing and happy would be wonderful!!




must start planning!!!

From Seoul to San Francisco..

Its 5am in San Francisco.
I think i'm seriously jet-lagged cos I seem to be waking up the oddest hours!

well, wasn't really looking forward to another long 4-sector flight but so far its still ok.

Touched down in Seoul on the 28th, and I finally got the chance to try out authentic Korean Bulgogi Beef! It was deeeeeelicious!!! mmmmm....it came raw with onions so you had to sort of bbq it yourself on the hotplate. There was a sort of dip around the corners of the hotplate, so all the gravy was there, and i happily placed all the onions there to sautee them so that they were nice and soft. I just love it, love it!!

After dinner, me and the steward, Siva, went over to another crew joint, Westrock, to have a drink at the bar. What I thought to be a small drink, turned to 4 jugs when my leading steward, Ronnie, walked through the door! We started talking and the crowd came in. A table of angmohs started singing karaoke [good voice, one of them] and in my intoxicated state, I dared a song too....i fucked it up horribly....so paiseh. Finally forced them to go back although they wanted another drink.

I have been drinking too much lately and the sight of alcohol makes my stomach feel weird.


After a super tiring flight to San Francisco, with horrible passengers who refused to sleep and keep asking for food and drinks even though meal service was just completed, I dragged myself to the Thai joint to meet some of the crew for lunch. Was kinda excited cos I haven't been there before so was hoping for a walk-around. We had big plans, to shop and visit the Golden Gate Bridge.


Anyway, after lunch, the girls said they were going shopping, while Siva looked at me and being the alcoholic that he is, asked me if i wanted to get some beers. I chose to go shopping instead......bad choice...

As i happily dragged my tired body to follow the girls, they suddenly all stopped and said to each other, " Ok we see how later!"......the were all seperating!!! I was left pathetically alone, without a clue as to where i was and where i could go. I ended up walking aimlessly with my baby slung ard my neck...trying to find shopping places...



I took a complete wrong turning and found myself in the dangerous part of town, where the African-Americans dominated. I just kept walking and walking, taking in the sights and happenings ard me.

My gut feeling told me that it was the wrong place to be. But i kept walking. I instinctively realised that there were "Safe" sides of the road to be on. If you kept on the opp side, or the safe side, you were ok. I chanced upon two cops questioning an old black couple on the streets cos they were selling cigerettes, asking them if they checked the IDs of the youngsters that bought from them. It was kinda scary when the groups of black youngsters were congregating outside the liquor store or convenience store. It was until i went on the street where there was a Gun Store, then i decided to quickly get out of there.



after that i realised what a dangerous street it was to be on. Apparantly in Frisco, you could hear gunshots at night around our hotel. This is actually a very dangerous place to be in. I could hear police sirens at all times of the night; Wan said that the police are very busy people over here......thank God nothing happened to me.

The next morning, I woke up at 2am....lazing around in my room, the girls called for lunch. We went to the Cheesecake Factory at Macy's! Following them, I realised that I was walking along a completely different path the day before, and that was why I couldn't find any shopping places....all hidden here lor. We had a nice lunch, and went shopping! I spent almost US$150....didn't go sight seeing cos we were all so tired in the end.

*

so now its 5.30am in the morning and I'm awake already.

the girls already have plans to head down to Myeung Dong for shopping when we touch down in Seoul.

I want to eat the bulgogi again!!!!

i am seriously overspending on this trip....howhowhow????

turning and turning around

i just came back from a Bangalore overnight turn this morning at 6am.
Reported at 6pm last evening.

i did a Jarkarta turn and the horrible Bangkok turn before this.


wah lau soooooo tiring lor...non stop and didnt rest much. my feet are swollen already.





Money very difficult to earn ah. =(

Robocop

my grandfather is in the hospital.

he had been feeling unwell of late. giddy, headache, nausea...everything he ate he vomitted out.
quite alarming cos he's already in his 80s.

everytime i come back from flight recently he always says he still does not feel well. saw three doctors and still the same.

so a few days ago, he was admitted to hospital. The doctors said his heartbeat is irregular. When i say irregular i mean his heart actually stops beating for a while and starts again. That is what caused the giddyness cos there wasn't enough oxygen in his body.

I asked him if he was pregnant.

Charmaine said cos my grandma wasn't here anymore to quarrel with him and keep him on his nerves. Quarrelling makes the heart beat faster, so it should be able to regulate his blood pressure and makes for a healthy body. Har-dee-har-ha.


well, he just had an operation this morning. Installed a battery in his body, or pace-maker, to keep the heart beating properly.



Daddy says now he's Robocop. -_-



the jokes we make to ease the tension in these situations.

thinking out loud

well....recently caught alex holding hands with his new gf; the day before still was msging me and saying he still care and all. What nonsense.

surprisingly i didn't feel upset or what....felt a bit sad and more disappointed though.


how can he keep acting like he is so pitiful when he is already in the midst of being with another girl? making me look and feel bad when i keep rejecting his "care" and concern". Like i'm so cruel.


well, after so many years, this is the first time i saw it right in front of my face.

but when i felt nothing, i knew that it was truely over. and i had finally, finally let go.


still, being human, i felt sucky for a while.

*

sometimes, when i'm all alone, i think back on what has happened and the things I have been through while attempting to fight the war of love. True, I have hurt, I have had my heart broken over and over, especally by the ones that i put in the most...but i still find courage to try again and again.

it has come to a point where i wish that I could find peace and stop searching for that perfect person. because, for all i know, he might not even exist. But I have been spoilt and have become jaded over the years, that i DO actually know what I want from my other half. Just that the ones that I'm with have a hard time fufilling what I want, cos they don't know what is it. Much as I proclaim that these factors are the ones I ask for, I do come close to admitting that maybe i really don't know what I want at all.

you see, we all have certain expectations of our partner. and sometimes our partner can't read our minds, and we make noise. That's where the arguement starts; more from frustration than anything else, cos both parties don't really know what they want. but if the partner can read minds, then he/she would be making it a profession instead. so how are we expected to understand the other point of view when our own clouds or judgement.

sometimes, its tiring to try and understand, or to be understanding.


i tell you, much as I hate being alone, I can't help but to wonder if all these relationships are the ones that make me lonely in the first place.

*

i love having someone to care about, who cares about me in the same way.

but i suddenly feel like i need to take a break...






......sometimes, i wouldn't mind going back to being single, just to connect with myself again.

still awake

i'm sooooo tired.

slept for about 20 minutes and woke up at 2plus am. At least i think i slept.

tossed and turned till 4plus and i gave up trying.
was supposed to wake at 5.30am.



got training later...have to do CPR. I think its a cursed subject for me.
the last time i went for my CPR test i was suffering from a hangover, vomitting the whole night.

i had to do the freaking test 5 times before i finally passed.
my pressure was all wrong, and i think if the dummy was a real person, his ribs would have turned into powder from all my colorful variations of pumping on his chest.


i can actually start preparing for class now lor. slowly have my breakfast and tea...and reach there before anyone else. And i will probably fall asleep in the early afternoon.



i'm so screwed.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

Favourite song of the moment; Amy Winehouse did a great job in jazzing up the classic.
The lyrics have great meaning also.

Underlying meaning: DOUBT?

Enjoy.

Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, cause I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Yeah

why does the sea rush to shore?

i am sooooo exhausted.

recently life has been a blur; all i remember is working in one draining flight after another, and rushing to balance family events, friend's invites, spending time and sleep. Of cos everything else comes before my own time and sleep. I am soooo lacking in me-time.

after that horrible dxb/cai flight, i have become so sian lor.


why after so long i still get demotivated so fast?



now everything seems wrong, everything goes wrong.






i need a break.


Sydney later. Til I'm back.

ooooooooooo!

I'm in love..............

was flipping through a magazine and saw this new watch from Burberry!

didn't have the price, though...should be very expensive lor...haiz. But i think its soooooo nice! Must go see and try the real thing!

i like.....=)

which one's nicer, black or steel?

Latest Purchases

Just a quick update on my latest toys:


1: Diana

Bought Diana when i was I Hongkong recently! The vintage looking camera and the flash caught my eye! I just had to have it! My pictures didn't come out very nice though.....need more practise......but Diana is sooooo cool!!


2: Panasonic Lumix LX3

Finally got what I was wishing for!! Its a great camera that takes really great shots, but not very flattering on me though....i don't look very nice when I take pictures of myself with this.....so my relationship with Lulu [that's my name for it] is not yet as fantastic as me and my Baby [my 450D!], but i'm sure we'll get there eventually!



3: Popcam

Most recent purchase from Dubai. Thought it was cute so despite not knowing the lomo way yet, i bought it! Haven't gave it a name yet cause its still in the box and we haven't been introduced.

yep....am into playing with weird cameras now! its a new hobby. Heehee!

of course, I bought 6 pairs of shoes today; but that's another story. =)

Where have all the camels gone?

In dubai now, slacking in my room for the whole day.

The only time i went out was to go to the crew room to take loads of sugar for my tea. Finished a book, finished a movie [P.S I love you; you have to catch it. so nice]....just didnt feel very socialble today.

Felt lonely at first, but i don't anymore...suddenly. after praying, everything became ok, and i suddenly realised that i haven't been writing.


i have been procrastinating my writing. it stopped after hotstuff; i felt it first at my blog, then at oneshift; then my diaries haven't been touched in a long time.

I used to write all the time; when i was happy, when i was sad. I wrote poems when i was younger, which led to lines of depth that described my thoughts and feelings. I copied words of great writers that called out to me, that I could relate to at the particular time and moment. All these were in my many diaries that no one has ever seen. they contained my innermost thoughts and secrets of significant moments of my life that i could not share with anybody.

I have always been a vocal person, someone that talks about feelings and moods, and I don't hold back much. But i was always the strong one, always the one that fights back and the one that can handle what life threw at me. I couldn't let people see how weak I was. But writing gave me an outlet to reveal my insecurities and hurts that no one would ever understand. It took away the pain and recorded happy moments. It made me feel so much better, and made me loook at the situation in another light. Although i maintained secrecy, i always wanted to allow pple to know what i've been through and love the words that has given my comfort all through my life so far.

it also started my fetish with nice notebooks.

this blog was started out of boredom; a need to express as well as indulge in a new technology. But i was stilted, because I still needed to maintain my own right in choosing the information that I wanted to share with certain others.

I always wanted to write. To share my words with the masses, to allow them to reflect and touch them with what I have to say. I loved being in hotstuff, because it was a dream come true for me. Unfortunately, the commercialisation of the industry as well as certain events drained me, and with that, it was gone. The passion, the creativity, the wit; all gone.

I couldn't write anymore.

All that came out, in my blog, in my diaries, were all crap. Something that anyone could do. I used to be able to make people laugh and cry with what I wrote. I couldn't do it anymore. I became lazy and i think i just gave up.



but now, suddenly, I write this. I can feel it coming back. I want to try again.




I want to be Melissa again.


Stay tuned.

Lonely

Feeling kinda unsettled...and kinda down...




feeling kinda.....lonely.

i need you.





well, off to work.

back to work

have had a lovely long break that seemed to last forever! Went to bangkok, then hongkong...

But i think i nvr spend enough time with the ones at home. Kinda regret missing FD cos it would have been great being there with the usual suspects....hk wasn't as great as i thought it would be.

I guess i was short of the right company? Somewhere lost? Hmmmm......

Anyway starting work tml early morning....KUL turn out of all things.


Night.

Travelling Frenzy

am in Johannesburg now.

wonder how's everything going back home? it's tough being so far away everytime.


will be going direct to bangkok when i touchdown on 26th! lots of shopping and some sightseeing [well mostly shopping]!! It's gonna be a great 4 days! i just hope i will remember to bring what i should be bringing cos it would be a rushed packing! gonna be so tired somemore cos no rest after my 10hr flight home....well, last minute plans are the best!

I also have to plan my trip to Hongkong for Cedrick's imprompto birthday celebration. wonder if i have enough time to book my flight and hotel lor. already asked charmaine to check for me if she has the time so save me some time also. but also not confirm i going cos of the H1N1 thingy going on there......haiyo headache.

*

I love making my own decisions without having to ask for permission or fighting to do what I want. Love to make last minute plans without worrying about upsetting anybody or having to have a reason to do what I want to do. Love not having to deal with the insecurity of others.

.....but now, I have to deal with insecurities of my own. i trust, but i doubt....and that's so sad cos the doubt gnaws at my heart and creates a funny feeling inside....i have to learn to trust again.....but its so hard to ignore lor....


haiz.





how lidat?

haiz...

sorry for the long break..

have had loads of nonsense happening recently...some good, some bad.

here's an update. details to come, maybe:

• going to bangkok with a loved one! shopping shopping and more shopping...hope this will be a good trip that brings us closer together. it's a make or break.
• had a huge quarrel with yenlin...still sad til now.
• cedrick's going to Hong Kong to work for 2yrs lor....feels kinda weird cos he's always there these 10years[so long already right?]; gotta get used to him not being there.
• finally made a break and stuck to it. hope this will be for the better for the both of us.

it's funny how suddenly, you jus realise who are all the pple that really care and stick by you no matter what. it feels great to be loved for me and who I am, no matter how fucked up I can be. with me not being ard most of the time, i realise who is the more important pple in my life, and who i miss the most.

there is someone now. but still not sure.
i guess i still need some time before i'm sure.


well, gotta go for flight already. back tonight. til then.

Later.

sorry sorry

sorry for the long absence....have been really tired recently.

so many things to do lor...


and now i'm sick somemore. plus other things.


promise i'll update soon.

Gossip Girl

oooooo!!!




another four more episodes of Gossip Girl Season 2 available for streaming!!!!!!



my advice is to start from Season 1 and go all the way.



it's the bee's knees, man.








you didn't get the link from me. =P

all messed up

as i stepped into my room, i looked around....all i see is a big mess; just like my life now.

thought's a mess, career's a mess, love life's a mess...

sometimes i just wish i had special powers to make all the mess disappear.


*


anyway, news of the day is that Terence has tendered to leave Hotstuff.
which got me wondering, if i had stayed, would i have had the chance to become editor?

seriously speaking, as much fun as I am having now with the travelling, the extra time, and most importantly, the money, i really miss my old job.

miss the launches, miss the gang, miss being in the know, miss rushing for deadlines, miss having my opinion count, miss the satisfaction of seeing your hard work being published every month.

there's no job satisfaction with my job now, only the money at the end of the month.


i miss the Hotstuff gang, the friendly banter, the freedom to sing loudly at the top of my voice in office when i feel like it, to wear what i want, to change my hair color every three months...



i miss having a goal.





with everything that's going on now, i feel so empty inside lor.



what's my purpose?

'round and 'round the mulberry bush

so confused recently.

so...undecided as to what to do and what's the right move to make.
i know i said that I would nvr regret what i do....but i eat my words.


i am soooo afraid that I would regret the wrong decision.

how how how?!!!?!

Cherry Blossoms, Here I Come!

Will be flying off tonight to Osaka, the place where I went for my first SNY.

hope to get lots of shopping done, as well as to make full use of my camera cos i heard that its Sakura season!!!

hope the crew will be nice and bring me out cos i really dunno my way in osaka....there's not much time to explore also...cos less than 24hours lor....still thinking wanna bring cargo or not cos my coat is taking up a lot of space and weight lor. dun wan to lug it all the way! how how?!?!

have to weigh my options now.


catch you'all when i'm back!

blog block

oh no oh no!!!

i'm having writer's block...even before i start anything lor!!

I was supposed to do the first post last week...til now i still havent done it lor....
so busy and the mind is not moving like it should.


i plan to get intoxicated and write tonight in the wee hours of the morning.
Has always worked for me that way.

Bombay Blues

well...i'm back from bombay. and happy to say i didn't get sick from eating the food there.
so i hereby conclude that Delhi is the problem, not India.

have been really slack recently...having so many days off after flights. have been busy catching up with my friends and pampering myself; indulging in long periods of sleep, doing my nails and hair. feel so lazy. haha. but i really start to enjoy my flights, and anticipate going to the stations. i don't even have to go out, it gives time for much needed sleep and alone time.

i just tend to get melancholic and think nonsense.


am trying to get pictures but my computer doesn't seem to want to read the sd card from my 450d. so that means that if i wan to post my zurich pictures, i have to transfer the pics through my lappie, to my hard disk, and then edit them in in my desktop. Tedious process...so i'll save them for a day when i'm not feeling too lazy.


anyway, i got a new haircut haha. got positive n negative comments though. so i'm still undecided on whether i love it or not. honestly, i do like it, cos its a change, but i dun think it's ME. so hope it grows out soon. and i have to stop myself cutting the stray hairs that drop down....or my whole head will be a fringe.


today i just feel like going to somewhere and relax with a nice book and some tea. thinking of a place now. just afraid that the weather would be against me. been weird weather recently in Singapore i heard.



Later.

sollie ah...

sorry for the lack of updates!

have had four days off since the dubai/istanbul trip.


was busy going out, doing my nails, doing my hair, going for facial and basically resting.

im sick lor.




packing for auckland tml.


update soon!

最幸福的事 [The Happiest Thing]

very very nice song...very sad too.... try to watch the video. Enjoy.

Lyrics:

你撐著雨傘　借我那次　

已經足夠我　記得一輩子

我懂後來你不是不堅持　

愛情本來就　沒萬無一失

淚水離開了　你的手指

那不如讓它　流在這信紙

我想女孩子　最貼心的是

讓愛的人選結束的方式

Chorus:

我最幸福的事　當過你的天使

趁鼻酸能掩飾　讓我們像當時擁抱最後一次

最幸福的事　吹蠟燭時你總為我許願的手勢

為摯愛的人　在左邊心口保留位置　

是最幸福的事

可惜愛不是　童話故事　

不能夠永遠　依賴著王子

才慢慢認識只剩兩個字　

我怎麼忍心　為難你解釋

我最幸福的事　當過你的天使

趁鼻酸能掩飾　讓我們像當時擁抱最後一次

最幸福的事　吹蠟燭時你總為我許願的手勢

為摯愛的人　在左邊心口保留位置　

是最幸福的事

那一陣子有你　美的不像現實多高興每一幕都微笑著靜止

我最幸福的事　牽著你的日子

一段愛從開始　直至分開我們都對彼此誠實

最幸福的事　對那片海用力大喊永遠的樣子

想得起的事　那天和你傻笑著認識

是最幸福的事

In Dubai

Its 1.22am here, 5.29am singapore time.

the crew just left my room, after a cooking session and a Gossip Girl:Season 2 marathon. Nope we didn't finish the show. Now i'm left hanging. haha. It was quite a good drama. interesting.

same old story: A sleeps with B, who is also sleeping with C. A finds out, then B finds out A is sleeping with D, and that A's mother is sleeping with E. Complicated? Yup...but nice show.
[doesn't exactly happens like that, but close]

anyway my room in Angsana Hotel in Dubai is a suite; hence then kitchen, living room and separate bedroom. we hung out in the living room and cooked instant noodles with sausage and eggs. since it was impromptu, we didn't get more food when we were in Emirates Mall [which is HUGE, btw].


planning on french toast tomorrow if we can wake up.


*


call time is 1.25am tomorrow night, where we will be going to Istanbul. Have already made plans to visit the Blue Mosque and Grand Bazaar. Problem is that, its damn cold in Istanbul, about 5-15 Degrees Celsius. I wonder how i'm gonna stand the cold since all i brought for the weather was a jacket and scarf. I forgot my thermal! Thank goodness its only one night.


*


wanted to have a drink but my hotel, unfortunately, is a NON ALCOHOLIC ESTABLISHMENT. Damn. And we were all too lazy to go out, since Gossip Girl got our attention.


*


i'm supposed to be taking this time to think....but i dunno what to think about. i wish i didn't have to make any decision and that the matter would just magically settle on its own. it's so hard. So hard.


*


anyway i am gonna curl up with my book and make myself sleepy.

Still hungry though. But nothing to eat. Should I take an egg from the tray? But i have to wash up. Nah.



Later.

thoughts and more thoughts...

recently there have been many quarrels and many misunderstandings...

sometimes its kinda tiring to go on.
confusion as to what i should do next.

sometimes the going is good, sometimes bad. its come to a point when i'm numb to the pain.


i wonder; does it come to free will or is it predestined?
God sometimes plays tricks with us.


sometimes i wonder, after so many things, we still forgive each other.



is it meant to be?



all around me, my friends are having problems left and right.
some are familiar, some i hope to God I will never have to go through.


actually when u think back, i have been quite lucky.
i thank God that I have been strong enough to pick myself up after every fall.
or i guess i would have long ago chosen to leave this cruel world.


i wonder, do we create our own problems? or do they really just keep coming on their own?
i guess positive mindset always helps.


*


anyway, i'd probably be starting freelancing at Oneshift.com.
met up with Evan for a chat yesterday, and it was quite a good meeting.

the money's not much, but i was just glad for the oppourtunity to get my brain cells moving.
i have lost my wit and flair, and i really need to get it back!
my spelling's not that fantastic recently either...

let's hope it goes well!


*


well....i guess i have to just sit back and let things happen.
kinda tired to force things already.


*

have to start preparing for flight already....got a Calcutta overnight turn later....gonna be so tired lor...



later.

Disappointment

all men are bastards.

at least most of the ones that i've had the fortune to meet.



it all seems so familiar.


all this happened before; twice.






i can't forgive or forget.


he is a fucking wuss. always worried about other pple being upset or angry. never handling the situation.






when will i ever be the priority.

i will die old, ugly and alone.

called up

wah lau...

just when i tot that i would breeze through the second day of my standby, i got woken up by the dreaded number at 10am this morning.


called up for Jakarta turn later at 4pm.




arghhh!!!!

SIGNS

Where do you find love? If we knew, we would all know where to look.

Sometimes all you need is a sign.



SIGNS -


Watch this. You won't regret it.

Greetings from Zurich!

Am in Zurich now.

will be leaving this evening for home.

so far this short visit has been rather fufilling. there's just something about Europe that brings you to another world altogether. Everyone is traking their time, no one rushing [just walking quickly to get out of the cold], and to add to that, shops close early; sat they closed at 6, and sunday is the rest day.

i went to central to get the Longchamp Le Pliage bag for my mum [and myself] after much deliberation, and it was CLOSED.....so sad! finally decided top buy then its not open....guess its fate lor...i really wanted to get the LM nylon bag for myself.....!

now i guess i won't be able to get it at all...unless i get another zurich soon...

anyway i haven't really decided on the colour for my mum...which one nicer? they have white and cream too.

this is the one i wanted to get for myself. very unique. blue or nude, you think?

and i think this is quite nice too...

anyway i probably have to wait for while before i can get any one of these... better to check price in Singapore first!

i shall go rest now. so tired...

Later!

slow

sorry for the lack of updates!

will update later with pictures and commentary!

in the meantime, here's what's going on:

• My eyes have healed
• I went to Abu Dhabi & went for the desert tour!
• I came back from Abu Dhabi
• I attended the Porsche World Road Show at Changi Exhibition Centre!
• Took lots of pictures!
• Went to Brisbane
• Back from Brisbane!

kinda short eh? hahah. will elaborate on most of the points soon!

later.

Just For Laughs

i love this comic.

Visit the site & have a laugh: Least I Could Do

Updates Daily.

Grounded

I have been grounded since tues cos of my eye.
stuck in office doing office work till monday.


strangely its really relaxing.
the routine and standard timing is a refreshing change from my otherwise fast-paced world.
the people are really nice.

no one cares if your lipstick matches your nail polish.



but i feel i've been around too long.


i can't wait to start flying again.

sick sick

i've been so sick since i came back from delhi.

let me give you the breakdown:

28th Jan: 2nd Day, CNY

woke up after dozing off despite all the rowdy noise from the family.

felt quesiness in stomach.

went to toilet and vomitted non-stop for almost two hours.

decided to see company doctor.

got a fucking painful jab that was supposed to work immediately but i woke up 4 times in the night to vomit.

29th Jan: 3rd Day, CNY

spent the whole day dragging myself to do the most simplest tasks

whole body very suan and no strength

kept sleeping.

very weak.

yenlin and soon tong still jio ktv....i 有心无力...

30th Jan: 4th Day, CNY

blood vessal in eyes burst after excessive vommitting.

went to take mc to be excused from flying.

medically fit for flying; but not aesthetically fit for flying.

not chio enough.

i scare myself when looking in the mirror lor..

went back to stc to show the company i not bluffing, and got MC til monday, 2nd Feb.

still feel weak.

*

now i have to see if the redness gets better or not, or else i have to do ground work till it gets better.

sucks.

Happy Chinese New Year

I'm back from Delhi and sitting alone in my room while the whole family is happily gathering at my house.

i'm tired and cranky.


no one cares that i'm not mingling.



i feel strangely detached.



and alone.






Happy Chinese New Year.

wah lau

i opened my eyes and heard my phone vibrate. Turning it over revealed the most dreaded number to receive on standby day...


got called up for Delhi lor....seems like i can never get away from that country.


reporting tonight at 0035hrs; back on 27th Jan 1545hrs. sucks man.

notice states that India will be celebrating their Republic Day or something. Might have terrorist attacks lor. so crew have to stay in the hotel and be vigilant about evacuation routes and such.




what a way to start the new year man.