lonely saturday

got woken up at 10plus by a anonymous call.


and it was such good weather to sleep too.


wonder who it was?

once i woke memories came flooding back in my mind
couldn't sleep anymore.


i wish it was him.

mystery

had a bag of my favourite chips hanging at my door.

a note, with the words: " For: Melissa "



was it you darling?

so tired...

my eyes are closing.

so tired having to come to office after yesterday's exhausting trip.
had to drag myself out of bed.

today IMPORTrides need to be proofread before sending out for print.
I have articles to edit by today to be able to meet the deadline.
magazine has arrived, need to help with the subscription postings.

*

it doesn't help that my mind keeps wondering away.
he just keeps popping into my mind.

my heart has a jab of pain everytime it happens.

*

do i really not matter anymore, darling?


*

I have to try to get through each day.
trying to create activities to take up my time.

meeting my classmates for dinner later...
they will sure ask me why he never join us.
i have to be reminded again when i'm trying to forget.


*

i just want a simple life.



but my life consists of episode after episode of drama.
when everything seems to be going right, something will happen to make it wrong again.
I can never be happy.


I simply want to be happy.
Is that really so hard?

exhausted

i'm back from the Porsche event.
it was tiring but really fun!
will elaborate when i get the pictures.

*

with all the flurry yesterday, i felt much better, as i didnt have much time to think about him.
he did appear in my mind lots; but i pushed the memories away.

i was thinking, that i shouldn't have behaved the way i did the other night.
should have controlled my emotions.
but i was too hurt and disappointed to do so..

his silence cuts through my soul and i hurt every second....but he will never know it.
i will never be his first priority.


as long as he is happy.

*

watched Sex and the City the other night.
yoohoo story of my life.

i could feel the sadness streaming through me. i was trying to hold the tears in but i couldn't.

its all so familiar...so so familiar...


charging up memories that i tried so hard to forget.


i wanna watch it again. it helps me cry.

*


i will try to get on with my life.


everything happens for a reason i guess.



i can just hope.....and pray.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And now faith, hope, and love abide, but the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians. 13:4-13

I love you, my prune.

Porsche Charity Track Day

I have to go to Sepang for a Porsche event tomorrow.

First time to an event overseas alone, armed with a camera I have no idea how to use, a whole list of things I need to do and heavy magazines that I have to lug around.

I think it might be fun, as its my first time on the track, to have the first look at the new 911 GT3 RSR first ever test run, and to be driven around in the 911 GT3 Cup Cars by the cup drivers. All the while carrying the magazines and that stupid camera.

I have to be at Porsche Centre, Sungei Kadut at 6am tomorrow morning, to be ferried to Sepang [hope i get some sleep]. The event lasts the whole day and ETA in Singapore is 10pm.

I'm gonna be so fucking tired. Wonder if I can come into work later on Friday morning.


The worst thing is, I have to smile and pretend I'm ok.


*

Every few seconds, you pop in my head; everything I do, I am reminded of you.
Everywhere I look, I see you. Do you see me?


*

Sex and the City

Its finally out. After waiting for so long.

Have been looking forward to the movie, and wanted to recap all my series to be better prepared for the ending. and was planning to watch it with a certain someone....

well....

i shall watch it soon. Hope it makes me laugh.

p.s can't think of anything witty to say.

mopey mood

*

come back when you are done.
i can't live without you.

do you feel the same way?

will you ever feel the same way?


*

....and the world comes crumbling down

he is so selfish.

disregarding my feelings, not bothering how i would feel.
what kind of compromise is that?


i'm so tired.


*

my heart bleeds.

but life still goes on.


with or without him.


*


i am not a place to fall-back on.
no matter how much i love him, it's time to think for myself instead, to save whatever dignity i have left.



if he really feels what he said he feels, if he's ever coming back, he'd have to work for it.
it's time he showed me that I matter, rather than empty words.
lies, all lies..

*

darling, why?

*

i'm not gonna get hurt anymore.

hurdle after hurdle

"The virtue of true love is not finding the perfect person, but
loving an imperfect person perfectly."

After going through so much, we still managed to stick together.

Now, as we face yet another obstacle, i pray that it would be ok.

Is this a sign? That its not meant to be?

Or is it a test by Him, to make our love stronger; to make us stronger.

well, if its meant to be, it will be.

God has a plan.

Sunshine through my window

so many obstacles, so many misunderstandings.
forgiven, forgotten.
with love to lead the way.

with God to shine the light on the path out of darkness.


Now i am finally walking the path, with you.


don't let me down, darling.

hurt

he said i should have called...

i should have.
i guess i was just stupid to wait and hope that he wouldn't do anything wrong.
is it wrong to try and trust someone.

can't he see i love him so much?
can't he see that i really want to be with him?

i wait on stupidly, against everything that happened, against all protests.

can't he just fucking trust me?!?!



when i finally love someone so much, he has to do this.
when i finally give up everything else, he cast me away.


i feel like breaking down; i have to smile and pretend nothing's wrong.



i feel like dying.
my heart's dead already.


darling please trust me.
Please don't leave.

in agony

i am in pain.

the whole of today moping around home, not knowing what to do or where to go.
all the time wondering why? why does he do what he does?
why did he have to do the same thing again, without thinking about how i felt?
why, when everything was going fine?

suddenly i realise, this is the end.
i don't mean enough.
i cant help but have the hope, cos i really care so much about him.

but...i am not his first priority.

what i want is simple: someone whom i love who loves me back.
whose first priority is me, who has me on his mind every minute;
someone who trusts me and my love, who is honest and true to me.
who can't live without me, who will reject all other advances, as he loves only me.

i want to make him laugh, share his problems, go through the ups and downs together.
we can have fun together, be silly together, have a connection that no one can penetrate.


he doesn't seem to realise i have feelings, and hurts me over and over.
i just want him to stop being so mean, and believe in me.
i want to feel the security and love.
i wish the silence would stop.




i want an answer.

heartbreak

i can't believe he did that....
with no consideration for my feelings.

i hurt so badly inside.
its like a knife being plunged repeatedly into my heart, and being dragged all over.

i am trying so hard, but he is not doing his part.

darling, don't you care about me at all?

i endure everything that comes my way. but i hurt.
i'm human too you know.

how would you feel if i did the same thing to you.
would you trust me? could you trust me?


i don't know how much more can i take.
i will try....but i hope to see some effort from the other side also....



love hurts.
i am so sad.

Colour the iPhone

As much as I am in love with my iPhone, I shudder everytime I see the scratched cover with its battle scars. (my fault; dropped it 4 times), not to mention the fingerprinted screen (i don't work well with smooth surfaces) and peeling ends of the screen protector (i always get things scratched). I would like to change the cover.

I try my best to maintain it, but the powder on my face gets into the nooks and crannies, and the natural oils on the fingers(touchscreen phone) leaves its mark everywhere! And my well-known clumsiness....

*

Anyway, that's out of the point.

I just went through The Apple Blog and saw this great new product!
ColorWare has just released their Customized ColorWare iPhone product.
You can send in your iPhone to get colorized for $149 (you’ll need to part ways with it for 8-10 days).

Or you can purchase a new iPhone at $649 for the 4GB or $749 for the 8GB.
They have 29 color combinations available.

Nice right?? I like!!

But can be done only in the US.



Damn.

Weekend Road Trip

Just came back from the weekend trip to Malaysia with my colleagues.

so tired but it was good bonding.
quite fun, but not very.

my colleagues are a great bunch, gonna miss those that are planning to leave.
difficult to find a whole group of pple that work together as a team with no politics or backstabbing.

*
had some time to think....about him.

had great reminders throughout the trip.
am more in love now, but painfully. But so much, so much deeper.

do you feel so too, my darling?

*


will give more details of the trip when i get pictures from them.

heartbreak..and mends...and breaks again

haven't had the mood nor the time to do much.

have been drinking lots recently, wanting company but preferring to be alone.
because the company i crave is the one that doesn't appear.

day and night, every second of the day, his face plays over and over in my mind, like a broken record.
my heart aches whenever i go past places we've been, bringing back memories of things we have done before.

reading through his messages over and over....reminiscing, smiling to myself.

i am not me anymore.
the old melissa would have moved on long ago.
the old melissa would have given up.

after everything, i still hold on to the hope.
I know its right, it feels right.
i truely believe that I am not stupid, although sometimes i feel like a fool.

dun ask me to give up, dun try to make me change my mind.
i will hate anyone who does that.
go away and leave me alone.


i know what i want. i know he loves me.
This whole relationship has met with obstacles after obstacles.
There's so much more we have to go through together.
But surprising we still held on.


so this is love. but it's full of question marks.

if only

shattered dreams

i got ditched again...

the worse thing is that i really really liked him.
after so long, i finally had such strong feelings for someone.



but he lied to me.

and i keep believing him, just to be disappointed again.


i feel like a fool, holding on to the hope.





i'm so tired.