its so hard

why is it so difficult for me to let go of the past? the paronoia is killing me, like a snake uncoiling inside, waiting to attack.

all i want is to feel that he cares, that he loves me...that i matter more, that i'm more important.....

i try to tell him, to make him understand...but he thinks i'm possessive, and sensitive...how can i explain how i feel? should i just stupidly take it that nothing is wrong and blindly plunge into the darkness?

dear, do you really prefer me to be dumb?

being a couple, we must compromise, we have to not do things to make each other unhappy, we should make each other comfortable instead right? i really don't want things to be so unhappy...i'm so tired of apologising. i just want it to be the two of us ONLY...and nothing else. i want to feel that i am important to him, that he is also trying to keep me by his side, instead of asking me to fuck off everytime we quarrel.

what will happen if we get married? he said he has changed...but he still shouts at me in public, he still has his MCP habits, so what if he lets me go out now? that's not what i want now. when i remind him of his promise, he says that he doesn't like to make promises to me cos i keep reminding him of it. WTF?? now even making promises is wrong? so i can't remind him of it anymore??

I have never been the submissive kind of girl who sits there and agrees to everything you say like an idiot. i will give in, but i will also fight for my rights and what i think is right. i am not a weak woman. i am not an idiot.

maybe the BF prefers idiots.

i don't feel loved anymore.

i don't feel he needs me anymore.




i feel like giving up.

heartbreak

being my usual kaypo paranoid suspicious self, last night i looked through his mobile again..

he created a folder to specially keep all the bitch's pictures.

why? is she so important that he has to consolidate all her pictures in a folder? is it for easy viewing for himself? and it was done only last week.

i feel that i have wasted my time, my energy, on a cause that is not worth it. after trying so hard, to trust him, to believe, to forget and forgive, i still have to stumble upon a whole fucking folder dedicated to her.

i told him; she has to disappear, no more calls, no more msgs....like she never existed..

he said he just wanted to put everything together so i wouldn't find it here and there. he said that there was nothing and that it was only a memory. did he honestly think that i would think that way?? how could he even think that i would be happy with him keeping that fucking bitch pictures in his mobile and computer???

i'm trying so hard, to not mention, to be happy and to make him happy. i'm trying...so hard...

why can't he just make me trust him.

*

i had a bad night. i dreamt that i tried to forget everything and be acquaintances with that bitch, and allowed him to talk to her.
then i realised that he was lying to me, constantly contacting her and meeting up with her....like the last time when he lied to me..

in the dream, i confronted him...and he said that he would continue, whether i liked it or not...

i cried and cried....i was so lost, i felt so stupid.

i walked off and went to ask the bitch, if she could just leave him alone. begging.

i was so weak, so lousy.....

i woke up in tears.

what am i going to do.

me

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

sorry for the late update

so sorry for not updating.....i have had a lot of things on my mind recently....so didnt really have to mood to say anything..

well, me and the BF are back together....of cos things have not been the same....he was still hung up over that girl....and was constantly meeting her and smsing her when he told he he was with me!

i mean, like if you really want time to rest and think properly, dun tell me that you want to be with me and then still try to choose....one hand hugging me, another hand smsing her....i really dun wan to hate her, but i mean, when people tell you that they already have a girlfriend, please show some basic respect lah, don't keep calling and messaging, are you doing it on purpose?? She should know that if the other girl [me] sees the msgs then will lead to a quarrel right? well...its difficult to have any good thoughts about that bitch. I don't think she is as simple as she seems.....*dark look*

he says he chooses me, but i still can't help being paranoid....i mean, when he was with me, he still do all the things behind my back.....how to trust him?? at least what i did, even though was wrong, but at least i wasn't with him at that time mah.....

well....we are back together.....everything seems ok....but he hasn't said he loved me in a long time.......and whenever i ask him, he evades the question..... am i wrong to want to hear sweet nothings to make mysef happy??? he makes me feel that he is undecided still...that once i turn my back he will go running back to that bitch.....the suspicion is eating away at my very soul and mind.........

but i'm trying to trust him.....to be together trust is very important right? i just hope that he will try to make me feel secure....just like what i am trying very hard to do.....

hmm...so much for the relationship thingy....i'm getting quite sick of thinking about it......its really tiring for the brain...

just one more week and i finish my last assignment! that means i graduate [if i pass] and i have to.....start looking for a full-time job........up till now i really dunno what i want to do....having lost my focus due to the relationship thing....what should i do?

my parents want me to get a highly paid job with a nice-to-hear designation.......

so....any job offers?

i live alone; absolutely alone

the BF has found out something that has changed his perspective of me forever...

harsh words were exchanged, he wanted to leave; i shamelessly clung on to him for dear life...crying, begging, pleading....don't leave me, i can't live without you...

too late i realised the folly of my ways, too late have i tried to salvage the dying relationship; too late did i realise what i really needed and wanted....i have seen what i did wrong, and i have tried so hard to clear it all up.....and i almost did....

till he found out.


now, no matter what i say and do, its no use anymore...i hurt him beyond words, and he will never forgive me...what should be said has been spoken, nothing will ease the pain and change the fact. now all i can do is sit and watch as he drifts out of my reach, as i shed bitter tears for the unsolvable situation which me, and me alone, caused.


i love you, i regret, i know what i did wrong. please forgive me dear, come back.