Girl's Night Out: Let the drinks come!~ Part 2

It was just terrible...

So FREAKIN' BORING!!


Well, firstly, shane insisted on joining us, not that we mind, and the whole platoon came along with him.....so girl's night out: NOT!

Then yenlin kept saying she was tired and all.......

Then Linda got psychoed by shane to go to Zouk instead. I WAS wondering how he managed to do that, cos Phuture was the destination and it was only RnB[the whole freakin' night]; while me, linda and yenlin were pure Retro buffs through and through. Anyway, since shane said that linda was okay with Zouk, i agreed, and yenlin agreed.........

we got tortured by a whole night of seemingly RnB music, with undetectable singing in an unrecognisable language, and a lot of American wannabes trying their best to dance to the horrible repetitive music. -_-

so after much arm-twisting, apparantly shane LIED to linda and told her that it was RETRO so that we would join him at zouk...................!@#$^% ()



Yenlin left at 11.50pm

Me and linda fought out way through the throngs of sweaty people to get to the toilet at 12.34am.....as we stared at the idiots struggling to climb the stairs to phuture, a sudden desolute feeling of tiredness overwhelmed us and we went to the coffeeshop opp to have a drink instead.

I left at 1.20am.


The night of fun turned into a night of boredom.


Sian.....-_- I was planning to get drunk lor.......I didn't even get high lor..no kick whatsoever..




We will have retro! As soon as I get back from Hong Kong!

Hehe........tentatively I'm leaving tomorrow night!!

So it will be 买东西，吃东西, 买东西，吃东西,买东西，吃东西.


Happy Holidays Everyone!

Girl's Night Out: Let the drinks come!

I'm going out clubbing with linda and yenlin tonight! Haven't been clubbing ALONE since god-knows-when; and we haven't clubbed together since yenlin's 21st birthday...which was like almost 4 YEARS AGO~~

i still remember:

me, yenlin, linda and gladys went to Madam Wong to celebrate yenlin's birthday. yenlin had one drink with us from the newly-opened vodka bottle and a waterfall from her kind bartender friend and she ran off, leaving linda in the dangerous company of me!

I remember I kept mixing the drinks for linda as i got increasingly drunk, resulting in forcing her to "Ta" many full glasses of 3/4 vodka and 1/4 7up!!! I kept assuring her that the liquor level looked high cos of the ice ["it's the ice! its the ice!"]! Gladys wisely kept a slight distance and sipped her drink when me and linda kept bottoms up!

The night ended with yenlin hugging the toilet bowl, smiling at us and saying "I'm not drunk!", at the same time punctuating each sentance by violently throwing up the contents of the night's dinner; and me and linda giggling non-stop as we danced out-of-beat to the suddenly ridiculously loud music. All of us spent the whole of the next day nursing our hangovers...

I am looking forward to tonight! Sure will be fun! We are going to drink and be merry like there's no tomorrow!! No Drunk No Home! Hehe~

And before I forget,

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Hong Kong Here I Come!!

i'm going to hong kong!! i just suddenly decided to take marcus's advice and went ahead and planned a immediate trip to calm my nerves and take a break from the chaos that i have been going through these few weeks. was actually thinking of just any old country, anywhere that will take me away from singapore......beach resorts, thailand for shopping or whatever....... but my friend had to insist on going to Hong Kong lor....

Not that i'm against it, but the problem is that it's SUPER expensive now...really burned a BIG BIG hole in my small pocket, and i'm not even sure if i have enough to spend after paying for the flight and hotel and what-nots.....and even for shopping everything there is for the winter season, what to buy?!?!? The plus is that the weather is deliciously cold at the moment, the same as the last time i went to Hong Kong. That means i can satisfy my winter jacket fetish and wrap up in the warm jackets and trenchcoats and boots that i can't wear in singapore for fear of fainting from heatstroke. And I can go see all the things that I missed out the last time i was there. [Disneyland, Watch Out!!] I'm also going to attack the street vendors and eat the fishballs[damn shoik!] till they start oozing out of my ears.

I hope i enjoy it. Really excited hehehe!

so many things to do, so little time

have been SUPER busy recently! my schedule is chock-full of appointments and what nots...busy arranging meetings with people i haven't seen in a long time...actually its kinda tiring, cos its like i have to keep entertaining and thinkin of things to say and repeating my sob story to all.........duhz.....when i rather meet those few that i truely feel comfortable with....

its been one heck of a rollar coaster ride, and its only been 3 weeks! i want to get off, and get rid of this nauseating feeling of suffocation, panic and fear that my seatbelt will give way and i will fall from my seat and plummet to my untimely death.

Can I help it if i'm such a good catch that he is unwilling to let go?

well... TOO BAD. Its too late.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!

thank you for making it possible.

oh shit

i have been having one hell of an emotional week; with all the crying and sarcastic remarks and all. Didn't know that it was so difficult to let go.....but everyone seems to think that I am very strong and siao sa.......like real....that's what they see. I'm an expert in putting on a mask, see?

yesterday, had a quarrel with christine...at first we were exchanging sms-es in which she started saying all those lan jiao wei....i got so pissed then i called her and asked her what the fuck was she trying to say. She msged that "It's alright, since your mouth is so tight." then she continued with, "You are a clever girl. You know what I mean."

WTF?!?!?!?!

I was so hurt that she! of all people, would talk like that! I told her that i treated her as a good friend and by saying all this she really hurt me. Why couldn't they think of how i felt instead of thinking of how he felt??!!? Then she blurted out:

"You keep saying that we are good friends, then why didn't you tell us that you broke up with Alex? We didn't even know what happened, then suddenly we heard the news from him when we asked him. "

so she was angry with me because i didn't inform her..........but didn't she think that some things i just can't say to her? I mean, think about it. It's not like she tells me every single problem she is going through lor....she'd rather let charlene or jennie know.....so how can she accuse me of not telling her!!! Christine is one of the sweetest and nicest persons i know, and i never imagined that she would treat me like this. she has no freaking right to feel left out when she doesn't even include me lor....the conversation ended on a bad note.

i specially put aside a day to organise a gathering with all of them, then i get this crap. How am I going to face her on wednesday? What in the world am I going to do...

*

I had a dream last night.

It seemed like an answer to what I was praying for.hmmm....

I dreamt that I had a new boyfriend. It was just a normal thing....like everyday life......but like he was unwilling to do some stuff for me and/or for my family..... and then in the dream I kept comparing him with Alex, so many things to compare lor, like 4 years of good and bad all flash in the few hours of my sleep.....then when i woke up, i realised that....Alex really treated me very good[apart from the kuai lan and temper lah]....doing things for me without consideration...

i am so confused again. God help me.

It's over

It's official.

As from 28th November 2006, I am officially single.

This year, I will be spending my birthday with a different status.

I will be with people i love and care about, people who have known me, the real me, and love me for me.

*

The whole scenario seems like an abortion; You are torn between keeping your flesh and blood or not. You risk facing the whole world, hurting people who love you, inviting gossip. If you decide to let it go, you will live in misery with the memories. If you decide to go on with it, the road will be tough and unhappy as you go through it alone.

Of course, there are always pros and cons in every situation.

*

It's so hard. I have turned into this tempremental lunatic that has immense mood swings, irritating everyone with my indecisiveness, quick temper, and sudden blurts of completely imcomprehensible, unjoined comments that make no sense whatsoever, even to myself.

my heart broke when I saw his tears. I almost wanted to say that it was ok, that I won't leave, that I'll give him one more chance.... But I couldn't bring myself to say those words, words that would end his misery and my pain. Because I know, I want to put my own self first now, instead of yet again giving in to another person's needs.

I cried like I never cried before. Every single turn, comment makes me think of him. But you wonder, since I seem so upset with my own decision, why can't I just give him one last chance?

I won't. I can't.

I have tried to tolerate, and this decision has come about after much much consideration.

I feel relieved, relaxed; free.

It's time for me to move on.

Girl's night out

...well almost...marcus[yenlin bf] came after a while. -_-...

It's been so long since the four of us came out and had a nice girly chat, with lots of laughs and corny jokes that only we could understand; Yenlin, Linda, Charmaine and me. Turns out that even after so long, the bond is still there; the familiarity, the closeness, the mutual understanding, the frequency...it seems so right and so comfortable, like last time when we were still uncontaminated by the worst of life experiences and ways of the world. I really wished that the night would never end; when it was time to go, i was hit by a wave of nostalgia and melancholy, and wondered wen would we ever get the chance to have another gathering again. I wish i could just continue staying in the safe, warm cocoon of friendship and love. But, hey, we had to go home right.

All were plagued by relationship problems; the words just flew freely, confessing, the doubts, the admitting of own faults; its been so long since i could just talk, and not have to mince my words or think before speaking for fear of offending anyone or letting out information that shouldn't be let out...we four girls have gone through so much together, through faults, through mistakes, through heartbreak, tears and joy.

Thank God for friends. *sniff*

*

Well, he was behaving as if everything hadn't happened; like we were still together; i myself don't even know if we were still together or not. I wanted to tell him not to wait, but seeing him in so much pain, I really wanted to just go back to him and comfort him.......but i have to stop all this....if I can't let go, it would make it worse, and we will never be able to end this.

how long can i withstand the sadness that is emitting from him? he is trying so hard to get me back, but i have to be the cruel one. I told him that he should stop treating me as if we were still together, that it would make it even more difficult for him to let go. That I wanted to live my own life, going where i wanted, doing what i wanted, without making excuses for an impulsive action, or explaining why i was where i was and who i was with.

but he seems so lonely......everytime i talk to him, tears just form, i wan to love him, to comfort him and accompany him, to make everything ok.....but i cant do it. I have to stop myself.

I have to come to a decision soon.

*

marcus said that in my life, i have a lot of things that i want to do and try that I haven't been able to before. If I were able to go ahead and do these stuff, I would finally be able to be happy. He also said that I shouldn't care about how others thought of me and just do whatever I wanted...so maybe i should start writing down all the things that i wanted to do, just in case i miss out something. any ideas of anything i mentioned before? i'm having bad memory these days.

*

I wish this would pass soon.

i did it

i finally said it.

it was so hard. he said he couldn't make it without me. he begged me not to leave, to give him another chance, to start afresh. I wanted to, but i couldn't do it. i know that the longer i dragged it on, the harder it would be. i still love him, but i know that I needed to let go.

The tears just kept flowing; then a sense of relief. Stabs of guilt, painful tug in my chest.

Remember our dreams? Remember our promises? Our casual talks for the wedding, our kids. The carpet we bought and wrapped in brown paper for next time? The figurines i loved? your plans for the house, the planning of our life together. It's over.

He is still being so sweet, calling and msging me like it never happened; treating me in the way that makes me so happy. Why must you always be so nice after something happens? Why can't you keep it like that always? Why did you have to wait til it was too late to try and salvage the situation?

It's too late.

But now, i can finally be myself. I can finally do what i want. I keep thinking if I would regret this.... i feel so lost, so confused; but at the same time, so relieved, happy, like a huge load has been lifted off.

Seeing him struggle, so alone, my heart aches just thinking about it....but i want him to learn to live life without me. I love him and i want him to be happy, but not at the extent of my own happiness; not anymore. I know he can find someone out there much better, more suitable for him [although my heart will ache if i ever know].

Some say i'm so stupid to throw away something so beautiful, so stable; to give up on someone who loves me wholeheartedly...can't i be more tolerant, just overlook the bad.........but i just don't see it happening at this moment. I can't tolerate now.

Maybe taking a break from each other is the best thing to do now. I really don't know i we will get back together. Only time will tell.

Dear, i love you. I'm sorry.

Sad

am i wrong to be unhappy when he has his good side as well?

is it my fault that everything he does gets me so irritated?

should i be the tolerant one?

should i try to just concentrate on the good and let the bad slide past?

must i really forgo my own opinions and interests and listen to him?

can i let go?

should i let go?

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Really catchy acoustic version of her latest single. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Its going to be my new ringtone.

Beyonce - Irreplaceable Lyric
Lyric provided by www.seekalyric.com


to the left
to the left

to the left to the left
everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, yes thats my
stuff
yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)

and
keep on talking that mess, thats fine
could you walk and talk, at the same
time?
and- its my name thats on that bag
so go move your bags, let me
call you a cab
standing in the front yard, telling me
how I'm such a
fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a man like you

you got
me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a
minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to
thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so go ahead and get grown
call up
that chick, and see if shes home
oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
what did you think
I was putting you out for?
because you was untrue
rolling around in the car that I bought you
baby, drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standing in the front yard,
telling me
how I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a
man like you

you got me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know
'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so since I'm not your everything
how about I be nothing? nothing at
all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the
left to the left
to the left to the left

mmmmmmmm
to the left to
the left
everything you own in the box to left

to the left to the
left
don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have
another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you can pack all your things- we're finished
cause you made your bed
now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
don't you ever for a
second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

Found a song by Ah Mei which I felt was very nice. It was in my hard disk like forever and I can't believe I never heard it before til yesterday. Couldn't find the romanized lyrics so be content with the chinese lyrics. Anyone manage to find the translation please pass to me!

Anyway, it seems to be a sad sad song [like every single one in her 我要快乐 album]....I feel that this album of hers has a lot of hurt and pain in the way she sings and the lyrics....well..maybe this encompasses all her sad moments throughout her life?

I'm a sucker for sadness...=P

所以我愿意 (Shuo Yi Wo Yuan Yi) [Therefore I do]

By:张惠妹


每朵凋零花蕊 总在冬天积累
等着滋润下一季的美
每颗掉落的泪 会在沙漠里轮回
又怎么算白费

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

每次伤痕累累
学会分辨真伪 眼前真心的笑容更美
每段痛心忏悔 把爱进一步找回
简单的更宝贵

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的却是

对爱我仍愿相信
只是命运没捷径 路难走我反而坚定

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

Art?

Was taking a stroll along the newly revamped Clarke Quay the other day. Quite nice really. All glass and concrete. They mixed post-modernist with classic. I preferred the dingier decor of yesteryears, just because it was more authentic...I have many fond memories of Clarke Quay, you see, as I used to spend lunch alone there, staring at the dirty river as I took a long drag from my cigarette, sorting out problems that only adolescents would have. It was calming, peaceful, noone giving you dirty or kaypoh looks, no one chasing you away.

Approaching Clarke Quay, the exposed beams of the glass ceiling caught my attention, as my amatuer photographer's instincts arose. I took out my trusty camera phone and started adjusting my angles to get the best light, in order to try and create an artistic edge. At first it was not too bad....

Then there I was minding my own business, taking in the sights...then i looked up again......to my horror, they were upon me!! They were all over the place! Acting like innocents, ready to corrupt the minds of the population....it was:

THE INVASION OF THE GIANT METAL PENISES.

someone was trying to be funny.

Treasuring what is now

Do you realise we never treasure what we have until its gone? In this modern world, where independence and equality is dominant, we strive to be the best, have never-ending goals that dominate our lives, pushing us to over-stress ourselves, making us unable to fully enjoy what life has given to us.

Even if we decide to let our hair down and indulge in what the world has to offer, ignoring conventions in the process, society will be frowning upon us and we will inevitably conform to the expectations that bind us to our mundane, everyday, pathetic excuse for a life, convincing ourselves that this is for the best, that normality is the way to go.

How many of us can really say that, up till now, we have done whatever we wanted to do, and is satisfied with the richness of the quality of the lifestyle that we are having? Ruling out vices like stealing, killing, or randomly beating the shit out of pple you dun like, of course...

Everything we do, we have to face the music. We have to worry about how people are going to look at us, what others will think, whether its morally correct. I admire the individuals that dare to break through the box and just go on doing what they do. No matter the actions were wrong or right, at least the experience matured them and they can die without any regrets.

*

I have made many mistakes during the past 24 years of my life. I spent much time sculpting my life to making others happy. Trying to make people like me. Trying to be cool. Trying to be pretty enough. Trying to be thin. Trying to be accepted. Trying to fulfil my parents expectations of me. I've tarnished my own reputation, cleaned it up, but indulged in my own secret cravings. I've hurt, been hurt, fallen in love, had my heart broken again and again. I've had disappointments, nights when i've cried myself to sleep, times when I felt all alone. I've had flings that I've fallen in love with, who never reciprocate. I've swallowed my pride, thrown tantrums, gone all out for a friend who didn't appreciate it. I've had a fair share of quarrels, of disagreements, of arguements. I've cut myself, physically hurting myself to ease the pain inside. I've given in, and been let down. I've given up mykel and melvin, both whom I would have loved very much if i only had the choice. I've gone through what most would not wish to go through. Most of the time alone.

Oh I've had many many happy moments too.

If I had my life to live all over again, I would still do the same things. With the sad came happiness. I told myself I will not wear a mask anymore. I will still give to my friends unconditionally. I will still do what i do.

If all these didn't happen, I would not be me. I would not be Melissa.

Live life to the fullest. Like its your last day on this Earth.

Marital Doom

Why must we get married? Its just a ritual with staged theatrics for everyone else to acknowledge that you are now legally encouraged to have constant, loud animal sex for the purpose of the creation of the next generation. The media has placed such emphasis on the statement that "a woman is most beautiful on her wedding day", drilling into the vanity of women of all ages that the sole purpose of life for a woman seems to be to get married.

I believe we decide to get hitched also because we want to make sure that the fella won't be able to get away. It's like buying property.

But do we really want to get married, or do we just want an excuse to dress up?

To get married seems to bring about these few images:
1. Wear a beautiful gown that you would otherwise never have the chance to even look at it close up except though the glass windows of a bridal store; where you will steal glances as you discreetly slow your pace. i mean you can't look at the gowns on display for fear of being thought of pitifully as a woman that no one has proposed to yet. There is also a danger of being caught drooling. [i speak from experience]

2. Throw a grand wedding dinner to show all your relatives and friends how generous you are, and throwing fake smiles in every direction as you allow them to admire how beautiful you actually are.

3. Get all gussied up by a [sort of] professional make-up artist, satisfying the “I-am-a-model” craving that is apparent in every woman’s darkest dreams. Face it; two inches of make-up will definitely cover whatever blemishes there are.

4. Collecting enough ang pows to use as a bedsheet with the ability to be able to throw cash money all around as you do the duck dance in the privacy of your hotel room.


I admit; I spent the better part of my life just dying to get hitched. Most of my childhood was spent stalking brides while they took photos with the vast amounts of greenery in Botanic Gardens, all the while pointing at them and commentating in my cute high-pitched chatter every single move that the bride was making. This got me plenty of dirty looks which were hastily changed into forced smiles when they realised that people were looking. I spent much time thinking of the kind of wedding tat I would have, the color of the gown I would be wearing…. I also have a file where I store articles and pictures that showed gowns that I liked; décor of nice apartments and wedding themes advice. *blush*


But now, whenever I get to know that someone is going to get married, the first word that comes to my mind is, “ Siao ”.


Marriage is, of course, inevitable; and ideal, conforming to the conservative societal conventions that is typically Chinese; I don’t know what prompted me to have this sudden change in thinking, but I suddenly feel that making the decision to bed the same person for the rest of your life should be avoided until you are of the correct age and have the adequate amount of experience and maturity, and you are financially stable. Love can only bring you so far.

No one wants to be alone, and maybe getting hitched is just a reaction to counter the in-built fear of loneliness. I mean if God meant for us to fuck and go, why would he make the path to true love so long and tedious? Conversations won't be necessary and we would not have emotions. We would be living in a silent world where physical appearances would be the key to breed. Shopping would prevail; personality would be non-existant. So no matter how strong and independent a person claims to be, there will sure be times when they crave a bit of warmth and reliability from a certain special someone.

Now, I know I seem to be contradicting myself, me having impulsively applying for an apartment with the BF... and now nervously chewing on my fingernails as I subconciously pray for the contractor to take as long as possible to build it. -_-..

These few days, I have felt the love oozing out of every pore of the BF. His strength, his encouragement, his sacrifices; I suddenly feel so lucky. But hey, do you know how many disappointments I had to go through til I found this one?? I feel blessed, and I know that if i let this go I will not be able to find one that gives so unconditionally anymore. [although he has his many kuai lan times] Natural Human Reaction: ROM NOW! Don't let him get away! *starts swinging lasso*

Ok, ok, so maybe I want to get married, I want to have kids; I have seen successes and failures [although the failures seem to have left a deeper impression in my mind, judging from the failures that I myself have gone through]..... BUT I just can't help but feel that there is more to life than following the normal trend and living a normal life. I want more; I crave more. I want to get the fullest out of my youth before I settle for the next phase. But is it healthy?

I think, I am just not ready. Yet.

Long weekend

Ugh.......the long long weekend is over... now its back to work.

I apologise for the absense of posts....recently i have seemed to lost my flair....and mood....I have started a lot of posts....only to delete them in the end after feeling that the posts have no meaning. I don't think that my confusing train of thought would be very interesting to you.

so sorry. be back as soon as I find where i have misplaced my creativity.

Finally!

Had a really busy week...finally i'm able to just lay back and laugh at the busy people, for the next few days at least.

well.....genting was cold....and i lost all the way from the start, which prompted me to play more....all of us lost.......

i think they are probably building a wing with "ang mo kio ave 10" embazoned across the entrance, waiting to welcome us during our next trip there...=(

despite the gambling, i still managed to get a few pictures taken, but still waiting for him to pass them over to me, which he hasn't been doing for the past few months, selfish bastard. hence the lack of any pictorial entertainment.


blame him, not me.

have to finis my essay. later.

haiz...

i lost...=(

Satisfying My Gambling Addiction

I am going to GENTING!!

We will be driving up on Saturday morning 3.30am and reach there asap; the earlier we reach the earlier we can visit our dear friends up there IN THE CASINO; mine is specifically Ms Slot Machines and Miss Baccarat. Of cos, we will also say hi to Mr Roulette and Sir Poker. Not to forget Uncle Big Small and Mrs Blackjack. Of cos, being the friendly people we are, we will also make many new friends over there; which I will tell you when I get back on Monday.

Hopefully our friends will give us presents, i mean, we travelled all that distance to get to them, the least they can do is present us with a few welcome gifts right? Not too much, i'm not too greedy; just a few thousands to tide me over my soon-to-be-unemployed situation.

I even got my nails done in the traditionally heng heng color:

All the better to press the JACKPOT BUTTON with.


Wish me good luck ah!!! HUAT AH!!

Weak Women

Was having my daily blog dose when i chanced upon this entry in Xiaxue's blog commenting about Weak Women. Click here to read.

I myself, being a weak woman before, after reading this particular entry, felt my brain suddenly jump into overdrive, all sorts of comments, situations just popping into mind, planning protest marches with all women wearing sexy bright pink mini-dresses, carrying big signs shouting "POWER TO WOMEN!" and "DOWN WITH WEAKNESS!", all the while giving come-hither looks to the men watching, making them realise that WE wear the trousers in any relationship and we are free to express ourselves in whatever way we want. The procession will be followed by a line of all the men that have hurt us before by being jerks, linked at the ankles by heavy chains, and a label hung around their necks depicting their crime. They will be placed on display for the public to read their labels, to know what bastards they are, for the passerbys to scorn at their previous "manly antics", at the same time ensuring that they will never get another date again.

Remember all the sacrifices that I did just to make my bf happy, without any sort of appreciation whatsoever. Getting a scolding in front of all his friends when a guy looked at me, with him exclaiming that it was because i was VAIN so make other guys look at me. Throwing away all the clothes that he proclaimed skimpy and "ugly". Enduring the sarcastic remarks he made about me being stupid and lazy. Him going home first cos his place was "nearer" and "along the way", making my way home myself and paying the taxi fare while i was at it. Allowing him to go clubbing with his friends, while he didn't allow me to meet my friends even for a meal. Allowing his "god-sister" to stay over his place cos she had "nowhere else to go", and getting a scolding when i expressed my unhappiness about it.

I was so relieved when i finally managed to break free from the emotions that was holding me back from leaving.

Sometimes I see my friends just allowing their bfs to take control and it seems that they can't do anything for themselves. Playing the part of the luo nu ren...I mean, mutual respect is important, but not to a point where what you wear, what you do and where you go must require permission.

Anything that interferes with food and shopping and ktv cannot be forgiven.

I know, i try to be strong, and not be weak...but sometimes you can't help but give in and just bear it.......we are not aiming for total domination, but at least we need to gain the respect, that we are not to be trifled with and we are not born to sit there and just look pretty and open our legs when they need it.

Let's be strong, girls.

i had dreams for the past two nights. When checked, images in both represented that i had reached a new level in my emotional state. And also that i am too conscious of my appearance, trying too hard to impress others..and that I have a new outlook toward life.

Maybe I am not aware, cos i dunno about having a new outlook, or completion of the hidden, mystery and feminine side of myself. But i know that i am VERY conscious of my appearance.... maybe cos i feel that my appearance is very important to me and i can use it to my advantage, as i feel that my character sucks.

sometimes trying too hard to be witty, to be likeable, enabling others to take advantage of me....i know i know. i just be nice and blind myself to all the criticisms, the jeers, the pretences all around me....but its kind of tiring sometimes to be Ms Nice Girl.

Is it so difficult for you all to like me for me?

Do you all dream every night? I do. Maybe that explains why I am always so tired, no matter how long i slept..too much activity in the brain...More often than not, i'd only remember snatches of the dreams, never the whole thing, which is quite sad, as my dreams are all particularly interesting. I believe that dreams are an escape from the reality that we are forced to face, and images or situations that happen in dreams actually depict what you are longing for, what you lack and what you feel at that point of your life.

Dreams are quite powerful, as only during this unconscious state is your body, mind and spirit connected as one. It's like you are in a very powerful trance.

Since we are on this topic, raise your hands those who have experienced a situation that you seem to have witnessed happening before? This is a peculiar experience that we call déjà vu. The experience of déjà vu is usually accompanied by a compelling sense of familiarity, and also a sense of "eerieness," "strangeness," or "weirdness." The "previous" experience is most frequently attributed to a dream, although in some cases there is a firm sense that the experience "genuinely happened" in the past[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deja_vu]. I believe that we have all, one time or another, experienced this mysterious incident. In my case, due to the fact that my inactive genius brain works overtime every night, providing fascinating images for my viewing, I experience lots of cases of déjà vu as i go through activities in my mundane life.

Conclusion: I have ESP. Which means i can predict the future. Now if only i can find a way to be psychic when i am awake.

Whoops. we seem to have digressed a bit haven't we? Actually I started this post cos I suddenly remembered something from my dream last night.

I was riding a motorcycle. and halfway through riding i had to go up a steep slope. Suddenly i forgot how to ride the bike, and struggled very hard to climb up the hill as i seemed to be sliding backwards. I reved the accelerator and slowly the motor began to go up the slope, but i could feel that the engine was going to give up soon. I tried desperately to change gears, to get to the right gear for going up the slope. All this while, was screaming for the BF to help me as he was nearby. But he ignored me. Full of resentment and panic, i still kept on and managed to get up the slope...

well thats all i remembered. so i did a little search on Dream Moods :

Motorcycle

To see or ride a motorcycle in your dream, symbolizes your desire for freedom and need for adventure. You may be trying to escape from some situation or some other responsibility in your waking life. A motorcycle is also symbolic of raw sexuality.

Hill
To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. To dream that you are standing on top of a hill, signifies that you have succeeded in your endeavors or that you have now have the resources to complete a task at hand.

So i guess my dream meant that I desire freedom and was trying to escape from a situation?And in the midst of escaping the situation i am struggling to acheive a goal? The BF ignoring me meant that he would be of no help in this struggle? hmmm.......anyone has any other interpretation?

I believe that dreams are a sign from higher powers to tell you something; something that will help you overcome your struggles in life; if you can interpret it correctly.

So had any interesting dreams lately?

I really like this song from Jay Chou's new album. Below is the romanised version that i got from http://jienster.com/ , with hanyu pinyin and english translation. Very sad song with great melody...made me all melancholic.....sobsob.....

still its a great song..

退后 (Tui Hou) [Stepping back]

曲：周杰倫
Qu : Zhou Jie Lun
Music: Jay Chou

詞：宋健彰
Ci: Song Jian Jang
Lyrics: Devon Song

天空灰得像哭过
tian kong hui de xiang ku guo
The sky is so gray that it looks like it just cried

离开你以后
li kai ni yi hou
After leaving you

並沒有更自由
bing mei you gen zi you
(I) did not regain more freedom

酸酸的空氣
suan suan de kong qi
(From) the air

嗅出我们的距离
xiu chu wo men de ju li
(I) smelt our distance

一幕锥心的结局
yi mu zui xin de jie ju
A heart breaking ending

像呼吸般无法停息
xiang hu xi ban wu fa ting xi
is continuous just like breathing

抽屉泛黄的日记
chou ti fan huang de ri ji
The yellowing diary lied in the drawer

榨乾了回憶
zha gan le hui yi
(had) pressed dried [our] memories

那笑容是夏季
na xiao rong shi xia ji
That smile is summer

你我的过去
ni wo de guo qu
Our past

被順時針的忘记
bei shun shi zhen de wang ji
Has been forgotten as time goes by

缺氧过后的爱情
que yang guo hou de ai qing
Love after anoxia (lack of oxygen)

粗心的眼泪是多余
cu xin de yan lei shi duo yu
Careless tears are unnecessary

我知道你我都没有错
wo zhi dao ni wo dou mei you cuo
I know that the fault is not in either one of us

只是忘了怎么退后
zhi shi wang le ze me tui hou
We just forgot how to step back

信誓旦旦给了承诺
xin shi dan dan gei le cheng nuo
We made promises to each other with confidence

却被时间扑了空
que bei shi jian pu le kong
Yet it has been emptied by time

我知道我们都没有错
wo zhi dao wo men dou mei cuo
I know that the fault is not in either one of us

只是放手会比较好过
zhi shi fang shou hui bi jiao hao guo
It’s just that letting go would make things easier

最美的爱情回忆里待續
zui mei de ai qing hui yi li dai xu
The most beautiful love is to be continued in [my] memory

There you go folks... goes to show that Sometimes Love is Not Enough. Sometimes love just fades away and no one can be sure what the real reason is. So many trials and tribulations, ups and downs, happiness and sorrow...all the tiring struggles, forgetting logic and the need to satisfy your ego.....in the end all we have is...memories; and nothing more.


so is it a waste of time?
Would you go through all that you've been through again even though you know the ending?


I would. Because without all those heartbreaking moments, I wouldn't be able to learn and grow; i wouldn't be me.

1980s ISUZU GEMINI TV advertistment

Came across this in mr brown's blog.

this is a TV advertisement of the ISUZU Gemini shown during the 1980s.

Unlike the greatly computer graphic-ed wowwee car stunts in today's movies, all these stunts in the commercial were done LIVE by stunt professionals!

Kids, do NOT try this at home.

i feel dreadful....

waves of nausea, vomitting, sore throat, cough, stomachache, whole body void of strength.....all the symptoms are back......

i want to change my stomach.

had lunch with my brother in jacks place! mmmmmm.....



look alike or not?

bye, girl

Last Friday, my good friend, yenlin, left for Cambodia to work there indefinately. Even though she's coming back on Chinese New Year for a bit, we all couldn't help but be a bit sad when she left..... i mean like, its Cambodia lor......images of hungry children living in dilapadated houses and people going to discos holding fully loaded AKs as accessories........endless reminders of asking her to look on the ground when she walks around to avoid landmines......i really do hope she will be able to take the lifestyle there, and come back if she can't.....

so we met up with dongli, our jie mei, for old times sakes before she flew off...

and ktv with guang and alex after that!

had lots of fun...but every two minutes someone would mention cambodia, then it would all be jokes to cover up the fact that she was leaving....

Friday finally arrived....so we all made our way to the airport...

doing what we did best..hehheh...

and a final group shot..

now we have to wait till Chinese New Year.....but i'd probably go over and visit soon with guang...

i dunno....although me and her don't meet everyday, it just the fact that i know that she's not that near anymore....and giving her a call would cost a hell lot more than usual.

Girl, what would I do without you in Singapore?

i am soooooo tired...... went Zouk wif yenlin and dongli last night, quarrelled with the bf [dun wan to talk about it] slept at 5am and woke up at 6.45am........i think i'm going to faint any moment now...

been really busy with work and schoolwork recently...i feel so tired and everyday all i think about is when i can go home and sleep. i guess the late nights are finally catching up [and age too].

Actually, last night was quite fun.....apart from the quarrel [still dun wan to talk about it], i have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now. i wanted to write them down, but somehow or rather, i just cant seem to collect them and archive them properly enough to put in nice organised paragraphs. if i did write what i was thinking, no one would understand as each sentance would probably be not linked to the previous one.....that and together with the fact that i only slept for 1 over hour last night....i will soon start to ramble on.......

need. sleep.

noticed the change in layout? well.....suddenly i felt that the pink was too....pink.

and since now my new favourite color is anything green...i think this one looks quite nice, don't you?

have been really stressed up with work, school, and my own wild thoughts. there seems to be a million things to do but either i procrastinate or there just isn't time to do them all at once.

i have to mention. i HATE MY OFFICE LAPTOP. Recently i spent almost 3-4 hours trying to do my work....because of the unbelivably sloowwwwness of the stupid laptop...finally i managed to finish it....tried to save....you know what happened?

IT HUNG...AND SHUT DOWN.........BEFORE I SAVED MY WORK...



i was so pissed lor...


so i decided to bring my new TURBO COMPUTER to work, since i spend most of my time here anyway...spent about two hours cleaning, vaccuming, packing, moving the tables and all... and so i present, my new workstation:



chio right? like doing big business lidat. my arms are still aching.....

recently have been writing in my friendster blog.....realised that i have friends that care, who bother to comment on my post with chim phrases and quotes of encouragement. it all really brightens my day. suddenly life doesn't seem as bleak...even grass looks greener. although my usual wit has sort of deserted me.......

have to stop here.....got tons of work to do...never-ending reports and assignments......later.

weak..

i fainted on saturday....in front of a LOT of people.....i tried to stay conscious, to maintain my image, at least faint somewhere less conspicuious......but its kinda hard to walk gracefully when you're semi-conscious and struggling for breath.as anxious as my friends were, i couldn't help thinking that there would be some that didn't know what was happening and probably were thinking:

"WAH! JIT KOR CHAR BO LIM JIU ZHUI AH!?!"

or something along the same lines......so embarassing, not to mention the night that followed was the worst night of my life. I was in constant, Cannot-take-it pain that made me break out in cold sweat, i couldn't walk straight, couldn't sleep; i was just thinking, just let me die or faint so i don't have to deal with the pain anymore......

but actually, as i was vomitting....i was thinking of how much weight i would lose purging all this waste out.
*pengz*

random rants again

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -- Dale Carnegie

its been really hectic these few weeks...with school starting and the group project and all. although work has been forgiving, school sucks. the group project will burn up most of my days, weekly group meetings are enjoyable but draining, and the delegation on work to do for the project has me doing the most for the time being. Thank God for understanding and helpful team members, or else sure break down lor.

you see, i made a pact with my classmates that if we managed to do the project together, i will do all the report-writing and they will handle the more technical parts......with an evil grin, i tot i was getting the better end of the deal......but i was wrong!!!! it seems that report writing is like 90% of the whole project lor.......luckily got theophane and isaac to help....*mops sweat*

recently have been having a bit of relationship problems, as you can see from the previous posts.....but now i have sort of bounced back from my depression, although still subject to violent and sudden mood swings. i still think that its cos i dun have enough sleep. thanks to all those who were willing to listen to my endless complaining of what seems to be the same thing over and over again. xie xie ni~ =)

Have been eating lots of good food lately, and have managed stop between my gobbling and taken a few pics.[when i say a few, really a few only] That day, I went with my godparents to the buffet at Novena. VERY SHOIK LOR! there was free flow of Buddha Jump Over the Wall, my current favourite soup [besides ta xia mian soup, which remains my first love]! i sup two bowls before heading to the buffet table to devour whatever they have there. there is sashimi, herbal crocodile soup, muchroom and chicken soup in adorable containers, toger prawns, crayfish, teppanyaki, abalone, cakes, many desserts and even a chocolate fountain....ok....my description like not very tempting.....please forgive me while i re-discover my flair...have lost touch somewhat recently.take a look instead:

sorry for the rough graphics....my handphone camera not very good....

next i want to introduce another favourite, Rocky Master's 9-inch Magarita!

this is like one of the BEST cheese pizzas that i have ever eaten. not to mention that its only $9.90! and its very very nice, and its a very big serving!! u just have to try it.

just thinking about it makes me hungry.....

til next time.

just wandering...

have you ever felt that the person you are with is not the one that you want to be with? no matter how well they are treating you, how much they love you, how much sacrifices they make for you, you still have that empty feeling....and your heart tells you that there is something out there, or someone else, that you would rather be with, someoneelse that you love and someone else that you would be willing to sacrifice your all for?

someone told me once that the one you marry will never be the one that you love most, or the one that loves you most...it will be the one that you can live with. Is that all to it? your lifelong partner is chosen cos they can cook? or they are neat enough? is marriage just a desperate bid to live a normal life, conforming to societial expectations, just to fufil the need for companionship and to eliminate the fear of being lonely?

i want someone that i love, someone that loves me back. someone that i can be happy with; that i am willing to die for, that is willing to exchange his life for me should i be held hostage by terrorists. someone that can understand my need to cry during PMS periods and just hold me and not ask so much. somone who would listen to me when i bitch and whine. someone who would just...hold me and love me unconditionally. not scold me when i decide to jump on the platform and pole-dance, not get irritated when i ask my stream of endless questions, be proud of me when i get complimented, and not try to hide me in the shadows..

i want someone that i will be willing to give up my time for, someone i will learn to cook for, that i will stay awake till the wee hours of the morning to wait for his call no matter how tired i am. someone who i will miss tremendously, that will make me smile when i think of him, someone that i will buy stuff for when i go shopping, that i will worry for when he's sick, that i will be willing to sit by his bed for hours to put a cold towel to his forehead when he is having a fever. someone that i can fuss over even though his injury is just a small cut, someone that i will pray for when i go to the temple. someone that i will conquer my fear for driving in the night to pick him up cos he's drunk, someone that i will dress up for, that i will be interested in learning the use of cold air intake and ECU chip in the car, that i will learn to watch soccer for.


matters of the heart hurt the most, but it is also the one that is the most difficult to solve...i've fallen, and i've dragged myself up, to continue on my journey of heartache, but still i cant let go; i cant keep an open mind, i cant share.....

i have much to learn....in the meantime, i just have to keep hurting.

relationship blues episode 2

now he's back...but the funny thing is that how we are behaving is like he has never been away at all...i actually planned to be more affectionate, you know, to make up for my late nights and to show him that i missed him while he was away......but.........zilch.....nothing...

i mean, after such a long time away, shouldnt there be more hugs and kisses and touches? isn't it supposed to be like that when u love someone? you have to keep being physically close and keep looking adoringly at the person of your desire? [read too many books liao]......at least show SOME sign of love right?..........but he seemed more interested in sex and meeting up with his friends...that was when i saw true happiness in his eyes. not when he saw me.

Maybe i'm too sensitive?or maybe im expecting too much? or maybe i'm just finding a reason to break it off with him.....he does care about me, and he tries.......i really dunno what i want anymore..

I'm so confused!! aiyo....why cant i just be contented with what i have? not many gals can have a bf that is willing to spend everyday together, and bring her out when she is bored, bring her back to a place that they just came from cos she suddenly decided to buy the blouse that she saw earlier.


i went to the Goddess of Mercy Temple to qiu qian that day....apparantly i "am drunk, but drinks again." I am supposed to "Revert back to my past to avoid calamity"..... i spent much time thinking how to relate the qian to my situation...actually quite zhun leh. but due to my short-term memory, i am unable to tell you the whole thing....cos i forgot like 1/2 hr after i read it.... -_-

I am planning to go again leh......to really sit there and try to understand what God is trying to tell me...as I am very confused now. Thinking why can't i just focus on the good stuff and forget the bad stuff.....then i will be happier...like i have no more choice liao.....si lu yi tiao...

I will never learn to accept or be contented......i always want more, but make myself miserable cos i dun wan to give up what little good that i am having now. Greedy.



note: just read the post over...i sound very luan..and quite boring also hahaha. sorry ah...too many things on my mind liao to be my usual witty self. shall tell u all about it when i qiu my next qian.

relationship blues

ever since he has been gone, i seem to be having the time of my life to everyone and anyone who observes me. am i really so desperate for freedom? to the extent that i seem to have gone crazy, coming home late every night?

my frens say i wan freedom, that i have been locked up for too long, that im not ready...still wan to play......i feel that its cos i never get to have this kind of choice as to where i wan to go and who i go out wif and what time i have to be home......spent all my life held in the clutches of my parents; now when they finally let loose a bit, my bf takes over....now its deja vu. the things he says, the things he does, is like my Father.

the funny thing is, i recently met up wif a group of good friends, and we all are stuck in suffocating relationships. Is it really as bad as we put it? or are we just not ready to settle down so early?......i think and know that all the bravado talk is just for show, in the end , we'll just go running back to the ex or get a new relationship; and everything will come back to square one.....especially me.....because i know that i can't survive on my own. I am afraid to be alone.

im afraid no one would want to marry me...my character seems wild and my past is colorful, even if i now am the best wife in the world, any guy would just take me as a temporary thing...they would just wan to have a good lay, not a wife, because of my open-mindedness and my frank nature....meta says im not wife material.....and i know that my image has been tainted in their eyes...but its my own fault....

now im contemplating being single again....but i know that i would never do it. because i dun hate him enough to do it.....and plus the being alone thing and the scared no one wants me thing.....im afraid to fall in love with someone that doesnt love me back..........

relationship sucks......chris said that im feeling this way because im enjoying myself without him around, so i would think that being single has its perks.....but after a while, because of my fear of loneliness, i would start missing having him around again.....so i can only wait and see what i feel when he's back.


i still think its retribution....but all the guys i ever really liked and cared for, never liked me back. am i really destined to be alone?


Is it very stupid if i break up with someone who wants to be with me forever just because he doesn't let me go out?

i'm back!

finally almost done with all my schoolwork! hopefully will get to rest longer this time...

with the BF not around, i'm taking this chance to catch up with all my long-time-no-see friends....not that it makes a lot of difference, cos i have to report strength when i get home, call him at regular intervals [to China, mind you], webcam almost everynight or weekends when im still at home and he hasnt gone out yet.........and he's making a lot of noise whenever i come home late.......i wonder how long i can take it.......its suffocating sometimes.
as i always say, he might as well just lock me up in a room, cut a cat-flap to push food through and come in when he has the need for me...bummer.

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was surfing the net when i came across another webcomic strip:

source from www.downtoearthcomic.com


was going to write a long, intellectual critique about this strip...but i think it kinda explains itself.


Think and reflect, people, think and reflect.

random thoughts

i was at the cafe in bishan park last night......the mosquitos decided to leave me a momento...

now my beautiful feet are horribly disfigured; so much so i have no mood to rant about my gorgeous pedicure.........

What's with all these pests left free to roam the parks and dark corners?they should be banned from taking human blood! Don't they know how much torture their bites can cause others? No consideration whatsoever; ya cos they are too small to get bitten by anything. I kept thinking; what if one of the mosquitos [i'm sure they attacked in swarms] that bit me, had bitten like someone with AIDS or something before me...then i would be an innocent victim of someone else's promiscuiousity!!......

anyone knows what I can apply so as not to leave any scars?

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on a happier note, i finally managed to upload a few pics for your viewing.

my cherries!!

aren't they just the cutest things?


i went to sabrina's ROM yesterday...so naturally i had to take a pic with my dear friend.

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ermm......thats about it for the moment...cos i have to get back to work. i have THREE assignments to rush by this week....and also the balls are arriving this week....dun expect any updates soon.hehe ciaoz.

Just kill me now

Rushing though my assignments nowadays; although i have time at work to do, the forces of nature are against me: i am so tired, brain not functioning properly, computer freaking slow, internet is worse...the list goes on....

i think i am just lazy; plus the factors mentioned above, i have to face it....

i will NEVER get my assignments done.*sob*

i will just keep trying to juggle work and studies unsuccessfully, in the process sacrificing my already stagnant social life in exchange for a piece of paper with crappy grades that will evoke hysterical giggles from my prospective employers.

my life sucks.