sian sian sian

Today's the day of preparation for our autoshow.

Everyone has been very busy, directly or indirectly, because of this show.

There's going to be lots of exotic cars from Malaysia, Indonesia, and of course, Singapore.

30 fully modified cars from Malaysia will drive into Singapore today in convoy, from Tuas

checkpoint to Singapore Expo.

I really wanted to follow!! it would be so cool lor. especially when they all have to quietly follow my colleague's Toyota Rush hahaha.

20 specially flown-in Thailand models will entertain with dance performances.

And 9 damn chio models from Malaysia.

There will also be a Muay-Thai demonstration, b-boys performance plus drifting performances!!

So if you are free, come down and support us!

I will be at the ticket booth.=P

it's christmas eve

....but i don't feel the mood at all.

maybe it's just all that has happened recently.

it's so difficult.

well...work, as usual, has been very very hectic..

i spend the whole day busy without time to breathe, but at the end of the day, when i think back...i don't seem to have done much at all.

anyway, Merry Christmas, peeps.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

i don't believe in love anymore.

i wanted to post pics but i realise that i really have to photoshop my face...

HOTstuff....not

sorry for the late late update.

have been working overtime recently.

everyday is busy, busy, busy
in light of the recent events, i guess busy is a good thing.

at least i can put 100% into my work, to build up the foundation for my career.

finally, i feel myself fighting for what i want, instead of giving up like i always do.

maybe cos i have already adopted the attitude, i do what i have to do and as best as i can, and tell myself the most they sack me lor.

i really hate my editor i tell you.
but thats another story.


im still in the office now, production period....so tiring.

but surprisingly i like it.



well.....beats feeling lonely at home.

sure would like some sleep though.

haiz

its one of those days...

where everything seems to go wrong..right from the start...

am i really such a bad person?

i need to stop making excuses for myself...

sometimes, i just feel too tired to go on.


dear, am i really such a bad person in your heart?

im trying my best to work hard, to build up my career...

there's no encouragement, just skepticism.


trying to please everybody.


dear, do you really hate me that much?




sometimes i feel, there's no point going on this road.

i don't have the strength anymore.

confusion

i'm so so tired...every week seems to be so long and draggy...
i'm also sick, every muscle in my body aches...
i'm sad too, everytime my mind wanders again my heart gets a shot of pain.


i dunno why im feeling so depressed.
i dunno why my feeling tells me its not right.


i just feel like being alone.

i wish i could just sleep and never wake up.


Love so strong it hurts so badly.


...or maybe its PMS.

new job

okay...finally the update on my new job!

i am now a writer at HotStuff Magazine!

for those koo-koos who have never read HotStuff before, its an aftermarket automotive magazine; in other words, car magazine for tiong cars!

its like a dream come true!


but, it really takes up a lot of time. during production, everyone stays late to rush stuff.
when i say late, i mean LATE.

on friday they stayed till 6AM!!!!!!!!

ohmigod.




well......events and everything are also eating up my time....its great, i don't deny this is what i enjoy..
but then ah....
very tiring leh.

and then i got less time for him.



haiz....

will post more details when i have the mood. and pictures!!


p.s: i will be in the next issue! please go buy to support; or go kinokuniya and flip through hor!

super shagged out!

sorry for the lack of posts...

the new car, together with the new job, is sapping up all my blogging time, not to mention my sleeping-reading-playinggame-shopping-staringintospace time.

promise to update asap!

My long-time Lust

I finally found what I was looking for, and finally have the money to get it!

Mission Betty Flyweight Ice Hockey Skates!

isn't it just gorgeous?!?!?

couldn't find them in Singapore so found it on an online store. Am waiting for the person to get back to me on a price quote.

my own skates were leaving trails of broken bits of rubber the last time i used them......

it is soooo much cheaper now! used to retail in Singapore for $799, but now, its only US$59.99!

of cos its a bit out of style already...but who cares!!

im gonna get one for myself and one for Charmaine for her birthday pressie!

hope the fella gets back to me soon.....

class gathering

went for class gathering on wed...

was chatting with chuan wei, who kept having a glum face on, when i jokingly asked him:

"Why do you always look so depressed? You enjoy it ah?"

to which he answered:

"Sometimes being depressed is quite enjoyable. Why not give in to your true feelings?"

and with a knowing smile he added:

"At least I don't hide my unhappiness like you."



damn. am i so transparent?

closing my eyes

i force myself not to think anymore...
so that we can all be happy..
occasionally, it flits in my mind....
are they still contacting? is he still lying to me? is he doing anything behind my back?
i hurt.


i quit my job...
so am actively looking for another now.


i guess, part of me died that day
when he wanted to leave and just end it.
its all my fault and it will always be my fault.

i guess thats why the ache in my heart has lessened..
because i have lost hope
and not because i learn to let go...
or is it?


it doesn't really matter anymore..
even though i still think about it.
there's no point isn't it? to think and make yourself miserable.


i've been sad enough.


so maybe just blindly groping in the dark is better.
cos we are happy now.

yawn

i am sooooooooooo tired!

work is horrible......can you believe that i don't even have time to eat? thank God i brought bread or i'd probably have to crawl home....


no time for break at all....everyday is rush rush rush......theres a deadline for this document, for that submission, for this updating......i can hardly stand up once i finis work.....


stupid system


*


anyway he's in KL for work now....
i guess my posts have been kinda depressing recently...sorry bout that.


i miss him....wonder if he misses me?
or is he glad to finally have a break away from me?


i think i think too much.....

but i can't help it! it comes naturally...
although if work keeps going on like this, i wouldn't have much brain cells to be able to think anymore.....


haiz.

i wish i could just let go.
not let anything or anyone bother me
live my life happily
with the one i love

why did i realise too late that i love you?
why do i always feel you don't love me back?

why can't you realise why i do what i do?
why do you want me to accept whatever you do?
why cant you accept what I do?


when will this war end?

oversaturated

he is still calling and smsing that girl...


he promised me he wouldnt...now he blames me for being selfish and that he just wants to keep her as a normal friend.


he even changed the name of her contact to another name...



i can never win any arguement with him....he twists everything and i have nothing to say...


why can't he listen to me for once, make me happy, maintain this relationship?


instead of keeping her in his life with the risk of breaking our relationship?


my heart aches.


he said he would gradually stop it, and that he felt guilty towards her cos he just left without a word.....so how long is this going to last? it seems like no end.


i dunno what to do anymore....


he says im possessive, overly suspicious...i agree i am paranoid.....


but who wants to share? which girl wants someone around that threatens the balance of a relationship?


why doesn't he ever understand and think about how I feel for once.


i know that its only a friend...but is she so important that he can't let her go? when he knows that if i find out it will shake us?


why can't i accept that she is just a friend? why must i make things worse?

so many questions in my head that he won't answer.


he said he would try to gradually stop contact.....i wish i could wait.




my world is crumbling.

pangs of nostalgia

i wish he wouldn't shout at me...wish he could have a better temper...wish when i showed my temper he wouldn't make it seem like i shouldn't...

*

only one more day till i start my new job. 1st August. my first REAL job...

i really hope that it would be ok and that i would have more encouragement from everybody...everyone seems to have doubts about the job.....making me feel less confident with every criticism that i encounter...


well.....i shall try and see how it goes.......for the money. of cos it would be best if i enjoyed it too lah.

*

just heard from charlene that one couple in our clique, the youngest one in fact, may and wing, are saving $500 EACH every month for their future together....

leading me to think of us.


we haven't been saving for the longest time ever...i know he got his obligations and all.....but there's still no mention of any savings plan that we should adopt...

when i tried to mention, he asked me not to go out too often, that i was always going out.......


-_-


i know that he has spent a lot on me cos of my unemployed status and all...but sometimes, i just wish that he would mention that he was thinking of our savings plan for our future....it would be enough for me....

with the house slowly being built everyday...


and the car is coming....he spends more time thinking what he would get for the car, what to change, when to buy what.....


just for ONCE, i wish i was in his plans.

worse comes to worse, when the house is almost done and we haven't enough money for renovation, we need a plan to sabotage and delay the completion of the flat e.g cutting trees, drawing on freshly-painted walls, make the lifts not work, etc....


who's with me?

*

i don't even dare to think of geting married anymore; don't want to mention the wedding package, the ring, the dinner.....

when i see bridal shops, bridal magazines, peopel getting married, people proposing.....i just feel a tinge of sadness and have a mild ache in the heart....


i don't want to dream, just to get disappointed.....


i don't need anything unaffordable, now even getting registered i would be happy. I would even PAY for it. only $20++.


but of cos i hope to get a proposal lah.



but seems highly unlikely at the moment....=(

brain-dead

sometimes i just require some assurance.....just a hug, letting me know that everything's ok...

instead i get accusatory stares, sarcastic remarks,scoldings......


tears and more tears...



when will he have the patience to get me through it & be there for me when i need him, instead of brushing me off like i am an irritating housefly...



at times like this...




sometimes i just wish something would happen to me so i can see who will cry for my pain.

The Simpsons Movie

watched The Simpsons Movie with him, my brother, Yenlin and Gracie!~

I haven't laughed so much for a long time! I think we all needed a laugh.

i particularly liked this part!

Enjoy!!

i love surprises!!

i was at home, happily minding my own business, when he suddenly appeared at my bedroom door!!

he was supposedly on the way home still, at least, that was what he said when we were on the phone 2mins ago.

i think he has a superpower.

anyway, he smiled and produced a plastic bag from behind his bag [note: still think he has superpowers]...

it was a gift for me!!! my absolute favourite!! something that i have been lusting after for a long time but was too broke to get:

i was so touched......he hasn't done something like that for a long time.....oh happy day!

i feel SO loved....*goofy grin on face* =)

Thank you dear!~

Finally!!

he brought me to watch harry potter!!


unfortunately, it wasn't as fantastic as it should be...seems like a flashback kinda movie, with no apparant links, and they even changed the storyline!! [Cho Chang's friend was the one that betrayed the DA, not Cho!! and Hagrid was suppose to introduce Thestrals during class, not Luna, who brought Harry to the forest to feed the Thestrals.]

it was like you were expected to know the story already, and watching it just to have a visual image.....



wasted.

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows

Finally!!! the book is finally out!!!

i pre-ordered the adult version weeks before at a popular bookstore, being the kiasu Singaporean that I was.

But when i arrived at the bookstore to get the treasure, thy told me that they were out of the adult version, and only had the children's version left.

Now I mean it was the same book.

But I wanted the ADULT VERSION!!!

Shouldn't they be ordering enough books to fill the orders? Isn't that what pre-ordering is for??

I bought it anyway.....after waiting for so long I can't wait another second longer.

Now, excuse me while I put on my witch's hat and disappear.

till i finish the book!

just a thought..

i know he loves me....

maybe he's just not loving me in the way that i want him to?
different way of doing things you know..


that could prove a problem.

COOL MySpace Comments

emotionally exhausted

it was a tough weekend...

quarrel after quarrel....

with him asking me to leave again....


we seem to be on different wavelengths...he doesn't understand why i behave the way i do.


and he just keeps adopting the "i'm right, you're wrong" attitude...

i'm starting to become paranoid, angry and picking at everything again.

now, i suddenly know why i'm so angry; why i keep pleading for him to show love and care, why i crave the comfort and concern...



i am afraid.


i fear he is back with me just because of habit, to complete his plan.

i fear that everytime he chases me away, is because he really wants to, and is using our quarrels as an excuse.

i fear that he will change his mind, that once i let go of my focus that i will nver be able to find my way back.



i fear that he no longer loves me.

COOL MySpace Comments

Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix

The movie opens today!!

I unfortunately, am still waiting for a certain someone to offer to bring me to watch the movie. =(

attached

have been going for interviews these couple of days......sometimes i think issit that i am too choosy or is there no jobs available?

and i have to run through the job scope, company name, location, salary, boss's character, size of office, etc....to him, my parents, yenlin and like half the population of the world before i can actually accept the job.

i think this stringent selection process makes it hard for me to find a job...ever.

anyway....me and him have been comfortably happy together recently, just the occasional fluttering of the wings of doubt ......

but all is good so far lah. thank you for all your concern and for keeping me company through this difficult time. =)

*

well....he has made a deposit on the payment for a new car!

this is his first time buying a car and has been a want for him for a long time!

at first we were apprehensive, cos the model he wanted was a bit overbudget, and his stupid stingy ask-him-to-buy-car-for-a-long-time-but-when-say-want-to-buy-suddenly-got-cold-feet-and-say-wait-one-more-year ngeow boss dampened our mood.....

but i, being the supportive, understanding girlfriend that i am, analysed the pros and cons of him buying another lesser model just to get a car, compared to paying a bit more to get something that he really likes.

i offered to help with half the installments.

when i get a job of cos.

of cos this offer is from the goodness of my heart, cos of love and all...

but, at least if i pay something, it would be ours, then i got share mah...heehee =P

i shall stick pictures of myself and my name all over so everyone will know HE'S MINE muahaha *evil laugh*.

but we have to wait till september before the car comes...

so, a sneak preview, presenting the Suzuki Swift Sports 1.6MT

cute right?!?!?!

good tidings!

i decided not to take up the job btw.....but guess what??

i have two interviews on Monday! after sending so many resumes out, finally i have an answer!!

but the thing is that.....i sent out too many, till i dun remember which ones are these....=(

so i will just try to find out and go unprepared on monday...wish me luck!

hope its a good job with good prospects, with good pay and nice colleagues and boss. haha.

*

and another good news!


i just got my results, and i PASSED!!!!!

i am now officially a GRADUATE WITH A BACHELOR IN MULTIMEDIA STUDIES!
*pats myself on the back*

steady right?



that's one hurdle passed, the thought of having to continue studying for another half year sends shivers down my spine....of course i will advance to get my Masters, but lets take a break from studying at the moment, shall we?

*

i am waiting for tonight to get the best news of all.........THAT I WIN TOTO. 6 million.

decisions..

i got offered a job in a image consulting firm today...

but after googling it, found out that forums painted it in a bad light....sorta like MLM; where you sorta try to get people to pay for packages and all.....i mean it is still a job right? just in a more, agressive and underhanded way.....?


i really hate MLM.


should i try it out just to survive this poor period while i look for another job? or maybe by some chance i might like it?

or should i reject it straight to uphold my morals?


damn.

the beginning

he has started to be much closer to me...and treating me nicely. making plans to go out, keeping me company, not being irritated with my presence...


my persistance has paid off?

i am still unsure....and so i voice out my doubts.


what are we now? i thought you wanted time to think? i thought you wanted your freedom?
a million questions race through my brain...


he looks at me with tender eyes, and gives me a hug; and utters the three words that I have been desperately waiting to hear.....






"I am back."

spring cleaning

hey all,

thanks you for offering me encouragement and advice throughout this difficult period.

just one thing i think you guys are not clear about...


no matter how pathetic i make myself seem, how miserable i might appear, please get one thing straight.........remember, as i mentioned in my posts...I caused it.


i did a great wrong to him thats why he is so undecided right now. i dismissed him heartlessly even though he tried for 5mths to desperately try and win me back. it was until he totally gave up hope on me and left did i realise that i wanted him back....selfish huh....

of cos i dun admit that everything is totally my fault lah.....i left cos he was too demanding.......and now, im so miserable because he is so undecided and i feel like i'm dangling in mid air, unable to go up or down. he has also changed; not as caring as before, unable to give 100 per cent. His bad.

why do i want to go back, you ask me? why when he seems to be playing around with my feelings?

its because he really is very very nice to me, and he really really loves me, despite all that has happened.

so try not to keep saying him ok? no relationship is smooth-sailing right?


i know you care. thanks peeps, for helping me get through this period and lending a listening eye. =)


update: i did a bit of rewording, cos the comment made me realise i wasn't clear in what i was trying to say. thanks for making me realise, unknown commenter.

http://community.livejournal.com/sgsecrets/

broken heart

i know and accept that whatever that is happening now is mostly my own fault.

what i want is to feel that he loves me, not leave me in the dark as he leads a seperate life that i dunno anything of. why can't he include me?

i wish for last time, for the strong feelings we had for each other, when he actually still missed me.

do u think i enjoy being paranoid? do u think i enjoy quarreling? both are at fault, if you ask me.


its just that you leave so many question marks and then expect me to keep quiet and not ask.




i guess......maybe......he doesn't love me as much anymore......


but....i will try; try till he tells me straight in my face that he doesn't love me anymore. try till he forces me to leave.



Because I know now, too late, that i love him.

confused

i'm so confused


what exactly is wrong now?


so many factors, so many things unclear.



i hate my life

solitary me..

he is unable to give me a 100 percent...i feel he just cant wait to get away from me...he is forcing himself to be a boyfriend to me.

he is not sure, he wants time to think about it before he makes a choice...again...then he tried being very nice to me for the whole day...forcing himself to have the feeling again.

what's the point? i couldnt just sit there and pretend nothings wrong and behave as normal when i keep thinking when, when will he say he wants to leave me???

am i so difficult to love?


he just agreed to take a break from each other so easily......so sad.......charmaine brought up the fact that he never even indicate for how long.....so am i supposed to wait indefinately??? without even knowing what the answer is until he decides to make a decision?


its only been a day, and he still calls and messages like nothing is wrong......im so confused......whats that meaning of this? is he pitying me? or feeling guilty?

its only been a day, and i already miss him so damn much

i dont want him to treat me well because of guilt.

***

last night, under the influence of alcohol, i sent an impulsive sms to him, "I'm so bored without you"........only to get a reply, "dun be like that, its only the first day.."

i hurt.



as i left to go home from union, the skies cried the tears that i was unable to shed. Exchanging sms-es as he warned me about the weather, and i asked him if he was going to take an umbrella to shelter me...half-jokingly of cos...but i hope..



exhausted by a chatty taxi driver, greeted by a barran void deck, i had the sudden impulse to just drench myself in the heavy, heavy rain. maybe it would make me feel better.


i satisfied myself by sitting there, as i inhaled.

waiting for the long long lift, suddenly, from the corner of my eye, i saw...him. he braved the rain to come shelter me....


im so touched that he did that for me; and i know he loves me, but i know its not an answer.




dear. thank you for at least making me happy for one night, when i was most down.

Reflections

I haven't been sleeping well..

ever since he told me all he said that night..


i feel so useless, so fucked up, so lost....


im not worth it at all.....

clinging on to the only hope that he loved me enough to come back and try again even though i did him wrong.
the only hope that he chose me instead......

but i wonder, what if he regrets?

now i dunno what to do, dunno where to go..

should i leave him alone to his own devices, even though i miss him so much every minute?
should i go out more, so he can have the personal time the he keeps requesting for?
should i stick closer, to rebuild the relationship?



i don't feel wanted anymore. =(

sometimes

when i look in the mirror


i see a stranger looking back at me

beautiful

saw this on http://www.perezhilton.com/ ....its absolutely beautiful

press "play", "pause" it and wait for it to fully load, and watch the whole thing straight.

her truly impressive performance of Somewhere Over The Rainbow on Britain's Got Talent.

such a young girl, with such a fantastic voice, so full of emotion and without music!

don't know why, but when i heard the little sweetie singing, my eyes filled up with tears...

emotions i felt i could not identify...


was it all the stresses of recent events fightng to be released through my over flowing eyes?

i had a headache trying to hold them in.




i never felt more alone.

...and the days turn to months

so sorry for the lack of updates....

was busy trying to finish my homework and discover the secret to self-preservation.

.....i'm trying......to forget, to forgive......to pretend nothing is wrong at all.....to pretend that we are not distant......



i just wish that he would make it easier for me.

its so hard

why is it so difficult for me to let go of the past? the paronoia is killing me, like a snake uncoiling inside, waiting to attack.

all i want is to feel that he cares, that he loves me...that i matter more, that i'm more important.....

i try to tell him, to make him understand...but he thinks i'm possessive, and sensitive...how can i explain how i feel? should i just stupidly take it that nothing is wrong and blindly plunge into the darkness?

dear, do you really prefer me to be dumb?

being a couple, we must compromise, we have to not do things to make each other unhappy, we should make each other comfortable instead right? i really don't want things to be so unhappy...i'm so tired of apologising. i just want it to be the two of us ONLY...and nothing else. i want to feel that i am important to him, that he is also trying to keep me by his side, instead of asking me to fuck off everytime we quarrel.

what will happen if we get married? he said he has changed...but he still shouts at me in public, he still has his MCP habits, so what if he lets me go out now? that's not what i want now. when i remind him of his promise, he says that he doesn't like to make promises to me cos i keep reminding him of it. WTF?? now even making promises is wrong? so i can't remind him of it anymore??

I have never been the submissive kind of girl who sits there and agrees to everything you say like an idiot. i will give in, but i will also fight for my rights and what i think is right. i am not a weak woman. i am not an idiot.

maybe the BF prefers idiots.

i don't feel loved anymore.

i don't feel he needs me anymore.




i feel like giving up.

heartbreak

being my usual kaypo paranoid suspicious self, last night i looked through his mobile again..

he created a folder to specially keep all the bitch's pictures.

why? is she so important that he has to consolidate all her pictures in a folder? is it for easy viewing for himself? and it was done only last week.

i feel that i have wasted my time, my energy, on a cause that is not worth it. after trying so hard, to trust him, to believe, to forget and forgive, i still have to stumble upon a whole fucking folder dedicated to her.

i told him; she has to disappear, no more calls, no more msgs....like she never existed..

he said he just wanted to put everything together so i wouldn't find it here and there. he said that there was nothing and that it was only a memory. did he honestly think that i would think that way?? how could he even think that i would be happy with him keeping that fucking bitch pictures in his mobile and computer???

i'm trying so hard, to not mention, to be happy and to make him happy. i'm trying...so hard...

why can't he just make me trust him.

*

i had a bad night. i dreamt that i tried to forget everything and be acquaintances with that bitch, and allowed him to talk to her.
then i realised that he was lying to me, constantly contacting her and meeting up with her....like the last time when he lied to me..

in the dream, i confronted him...and he said that he would continue, whether i liked it or not...

i cried and cried....i was so lost, i felt so stupid.

i walked off and went to ask the bitch, if she could just leave him alone. begging.

i was so weak, so lousy.....

i woke up in tears.

what am i going to do.

me

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

sorry for the late update

so sorry for not updating.....i have had a lot of things on my mind recently....so didnt really have to mood to say anything..

well, me and the BF are back together....of cos things have not been the same....he was still hung up over that girl....and was constantly meeting her and smsing her when he told he he was with me!

i mean, like if you really want time to rest and think properly, dun tell me that you want to be with me and then still try to choose....one hand hugging me, another hand smsing her....i really dun wan to hate her, but i mean, when people tell you that they already have a girlfriend, please show some basic respect lah, don't keep calling and messaging, are you doing it on purpose?? She should know that if the other girl [me] sees the msgs then will lead to a quarrel right? well...its difficult to have any good thoughts about that bitch. I don't think she is as simple as she seems.....*dark look*

he says he chooses me, but i still can't help being paranoid....i mean, when he was with me, he still do all the things behind my back.....how to trust him?? at least what i did, even though was wrong, but at least i wasn't with him at that time mah.....

well....we are back together.....everything seems ok....but he hasn't said he loved me in a long time.......and whenever i ask him, he evades the question..... am i wrong to want to hear sweet nothings to make mysef happy??? he makes me feel that he is undecided still...that once i turn my back he will go running back to that bitch.....the suspicion is eating away at my very soul and mind.........

but i'm trying to trust him.....to be together trust is very important right? i just hope that he will try to make me feel secure....just like what i am trying very hard to do.....

hmm...so much for the relationship thingy....i'm getting quite sick of thinking about it......its really tiring for the brain...

just one more week and i finish my last assignment! that means i graduate [if i pass] and i have to.....start looking for a full-time job........up till now i really dunno what i want to do....having lost my focus due to the relationship thing....what should i do?

my parents want me to get a highly paid job with a nice-to-hear designation.......

so....any job offers?

i live alone; absolutely alone

the BF has found out something that has changed his perspective of me forever...

harsh words were exchanged, he wanted to leave; i shamelessly clung on to him for dear life...crying, begging, pleading....don't leave me, i can't live without you...

too late i realised the folly of my ways, too late have i tried to salvage the dying relationship; too late did i realise what i really needed and wanted....i have seen what i did wrong, and i have tried so hard to clear it all up.....and i almost did....

till he found out.


now, no matter what i say and do, its no use anymore...i hurt him beyond words, and he will never forgive me...what should be said has been spoken, nothing will ease the pain and change the fact. now all i can do is sit and watch as he drifts out of my reach, as i shed bitter tears for the unsolvable situation which me, and me alone, caused.


i love you, i regret, i know what i did wrong. please forgive me dear, come back.

it's complicated

i'm going through a transitional period of my life now..

well....firstly i found out the BF has a gf.....and my emotionally charged reaction shocked myself...

i got myself horribly drunk the day that i knew, and i spent the next few days acting like a paranoid stalker that starts crying everytime ANYTHING happens. i pushed, i probed, i made many angry unfounded comments and kept drinking and drinking..

it was a horrible week, where melissa lost control of her whole being and principles.

i was the one who let him go, i was the one who did him wrong, i was the one who heartlessly ignored him even though he tried desperately to win me back. But now i'm the one that is holding on and not letting go.

i didn't want to go back, cos i was scared; i was afraid that all he promised would be a lie, and everything would come back to square one again...i was unsure, and hurt others in the process. Iwas confused, to go back or not...i guess that finding out the news that he has truely let me go was the motivator that helped me decide once and for all. the answer was so clear for all to see:

I Love Him. very much...and i wanted him back.

knowing that he was lost to me made me do many many stupid things.....it felt like deja vu and i could understand how he felt the time when i rejected him time and time again. I kept asking him, what he wanted...i just really needed him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and i could give up once and for all.

but in the end, he said he chose me.

happiness was short-lived though...he has changed....he no longer is as caring, no longer do i feel the love from him. his silence, and announcement for me to give him time, left me crying in the corner......i keep thinking of weird things......like does he still miss her? does he regret his choice? does he even still love me?

i become paranoid, jealous of everything, desperately being as nice and as loving as i can, in a bid to win him back; to make him love me again, to make him realise that i am sincere, that i can give up everything to be with him, for everything to be like last time......

i dunno what he is thinking, and what he is doing........his silence is driving me crazy when i want to have a good talk and really discuss what he wants. he says he is confused......i think, if he really thinks she's that good, then why not just go back to her and leave me alone in my misery? better than leaving everything hanging. he is so selfish.

all i want is for him to talk to me...for him to let me know[in detail] what is going on and where i stand. i dunno how long i can take this silence and indifference.......

i will try. i really want to try....i just hope everything would settle itself and be ok.

prepare for depressing posts for the next few weeks.

Yay!~

i have officially quit my job.

thanks darran, for the introduction, but i really can't take so much work on such a measly pay anymore....plus its eating into my schoolwork.....and we wouldn't want me to fail yet again right??

well....its a difficult time for me.....let's just say that i know something i wish i didn't know. and somethings are just hard to let go of...i'm really tired of all that is happening right now and i'm so close to having yet another mental breakdown.....

need to get my life sorted out.

still busy

i'm up to my ears in work...guess im still trying to get the pace.......i think i have nua-ed too long...now everyone commented on how stressed i look......so many things to rush, and the fucker is piling s many last minute things on me.....how am i going to cope??? my school assignment is due on tues and i havent got the time to start anything......God help me...

i hope after next week things will slow down a little...so i can take a breather.....instead of being so tensed up every single day.....

will update asap!

work sucks

im at work now....from the silent office where the only sound is the fishtank bubbling and the dripping of water from the leaking air con....

im bored......so bored....and he's throwing so much fucking work at me that i cant even find the time to do my schoolwork.....im going to die of stress soon...

i'm suppsed to think up 40 cool places, things to do, people to meet.....every fucking two weeks!! i'm not even cool...how am i supposed to know where is cool???


help.

busy busy busy

sorry for the lack of updates! i'm soooooooo busy!

writing and writing and [going out] researching.........its like a never ending story........i know i love writing but this is completely ridiculous............*faints*

i really am trying to find the time to update in the midst of my busy busy schedule.......but its kind of diffiicult cos once i have free time i sleep , read, or play games.......

well......asap, promise!

My First Assignment

I'm going for my first assignment today!

Its at Muddy Murphy's Irish Pub, the event being Singapore 11th Guinness Oyster Shucking [Opening] Championship 2007......

I don't know what to do and what to say and what information I need...I don't know who to look for........I'm afraid i'll make a fool of myself again; which is the norm when i get panicky at social situations. When I try to act cool, I usually end up falling or dropping something or knocking over something or spilling liquids...on people.

Well, i shall just go and have fun and try my best lor......what to do? For the first time, there's no guidelines, no one to ask for help, nothing but me and myself.


But you know what? I like it.

I got it!

Went for the interview for writer yesterday! I got it!


weirdly, i didn't feel as jubilant as i should be....could it be the fact that the impact of the fact that i would have to start providing for myself suddenly becomes so much clearer? Something that i have been trying to avoid for a very long time hehe. i think it was too early and i was smiling for a little too long......

fatigue = not much enthusiasm ....bummer

Now im working again, and school has started, and i have a lot of games to complete, plus a lot of pics to update...so busy..........just thinking about it makes me tired...

anyway...now i have to start being cool. have to come up with cool places to go and things to do that not many have heard of for a short start-up article. for a cheena girl that constantly sticks to the same places of interest in heartland area, how to find?? So i am counting on my beloved friends to inform me should there be any great newish restaurants, pubs, clubs, drinking-hole, shops, etc... Any ideas? =)

It's off to Bangkok!

I'm leaving for Bangkok on 24th of February, Saturday, which is tomorrow!

Everyone keeps telling me that there are repeated bombings and all and I'm actually reconsidering a bit .....but i mean i will go in the end, the money being paid and everything...I mean, even if i die, at least I die shopping right? hehehe.

Thank you for all who made this trip possible [you know who you are =)]... and i hope that I will be able to get many many things on my limited budget!

Well...recently everyone has been bugging for me to get a job. I really don't envision myself going into the IT line although its what I'm currently studying; I've always wanted to write you know? And I actually seriously considered trying for SQ as the money is good of cos, not to mention I think I would love it, the travelling and exposure......but i just dread the interviews...next intake is on March 4th, still wondering if I should go for it.....

Because after my years of bugging Darran, he finally got a lobang for me!! Its an entry level position in the magazine that he was previously working at; its like a dream come true! I've tried so long to get a chance of getting into the line and fufilling my dream of writing for a living...and finally I got an opportunity! I have already sent in my CV and am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for a reply from the guy. I think if he hasn't contacted me by the time I get back from Bangkok, I will give him a call to try and impress him with my charm [or lack of] and a lot of pleading. Do you think going on my knees and holding on to his leg while crying and speaking in a pathetic voice too much?

Well, shall keep you guys updated after Bangkok!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quick Updates:

• i have yet to start packing my room! and CNY is drawing closer and closer! im dead meat...


• i had a small arguement with yenlin; which i will elaborate when i get the chance..


• i'm running out of books to read, running out of money to buy them, as well as running out of space to put any new ones...


• i confirmed going to bangkok; no matter how poor i will be after that.


• i dyed my hair purple! problem is, only can see the purple in strong light....so that means i have to carry a spotlight everywhere i go so that people can see the color....haiz..pics to come soon!

ermm.....thats about all at the moment. all will be elaborated soon!!