Lousy Week

it was a horrible week.

first my grandmother passed away.

then i heard some stuff that made me so upset.
my heart aches.

that morning, i dropped my compact on the floor.
it shattered and all the bits of pressed powder was all over the floor.

i was crying when i cleaned it up.

christine was mean to me; kinda.
i was trying to tell her some stuff cos i was feeling down, then she made some unfeeling comment.

i almost cried; and ignored her cos i would either burst into tears or lose my temper.



it was a trying week for me.
i'm so drained.


*


a weird thing happened.

my mum called and asked me if i lit a joss stick for the alter today.
i didn't.

she came home to find that a joss stick was there;
but it was lit UPSIDE-DOWN.

she was the only one who lit a joss stick today.
and was cracking her head to remember if she accidently lit it wrongly.


alex said it might be a sign that my grandma visited us and left a mark.
it was the seventh day of her passing.
natural she came home for the last time cos she lived here.


my goosebumps stood up.

but its my own grandma, anyway.


i seriously hope tomorrow is a better day.

Relationships

I think I'm destined to fail in relationships.

the ones who love me i dun treasure; the ones who I care about don't give a fuck about me.


I went to look at Ivan's friendster profile.
New pictures of him and that girl.

and the chaser.


i got kinda upset...melancholic.

**

sometimes i think, maybe there's something wrong with me?
when i give it my best and put in my heart, something inevitably goes wrong.

and i get my heart broken.



maybe there's something really wrong with me.


maybe i'm not good enough.

My First Flight!

I got details of my first training flight!

I'll be going to Osaka on 23rd October! And Perth on 26th!


it's kinda shitty though, cos i won't be flying with Christine, but Renee instead.
I don't really talk to Renee, and I was hoping that could fly with Christine... =(

so upset!

and Osaka is an overnight flight!
Both flights only stay there for 24hrs.
Fly today, come home tomorrow.

-_-


anyway, i heard that Japanese passengers can be demanding.
They don't say when they are unhappy and tell you everything's fine.
But they send a complaint letter after that!!

Maybe its cos they expect the best service! and they are too polite to say anything in your face.


oh i'm so worried.
what if i get a complaint on my first flight??
and training flight somemore.


i will try my best.

Wish me luck!

A painful loss

My grandmother passed away on 12th September, Friday.

She had struggled with cancer for the past six years.
She was strong and never complained, enduring the painful treatments and trying out new drugs in a bid to be healthy again.

She lost the battle with cancer.

My grandmother is 76.


*


These five days, we have been at the wake;
Keeping awake the whole night, protecting my grandmother as she laid frail and peaceful in her coffin.

she has become so thin.
her body bears the scars of the many blood tests and medicines that were used to try and cure her, but in vain.
she is but a shadow of the bubbly person she used to be.


*


as we went through the simple rites to lead her into the other side, we took a last look before the coffin was sealed forever. I can't accept it. She looks like she is just sleeping. its so surreal; i can't believe she is really gone.

i was filled with regret as i recalled how little i did, so caught up in my own life, instead of treating her better. I brushed her off when she tried to chat with me, as I disliked her nagging. She gave me advice and concern when i was upset; took care of me when I was sick. Although we weren't very close, these years that she lived in my house, we managed to create a neutral relationship.

i helped her paint her nails, i helped her take the rap when my mum was being unreasonable. I laughed with her, I bought food for her. I tried to care. But now i feel that I could have done so much more.


*


I wish I painted her nails again before she left us. I know she would like to have nicely painted nails when she left this world. I wish i did that for her.


*


we had to push the hearse to the main road, as we sent our grandmother on the path to her final journey. my tears just flowed freely. its so unfair. i don't believe its real.

we watched as the coffin was sent to be cremated. words cannot describe the sorrow we felt.


*


Rest in Peace Grandmother.

new environment

sorry for the lack of updates!
I have been so busy nowadays!


training and all is fun so far!
but gets a bit boring after a while!

and i gained so much weight cos of having so many breaks during the day!
my friends commented that my face is very round now......=(
i need to lose weight!!!!!!



well....recently have been regulars at the SIA Sports Club.
me and my batch mates, christine and jimmy, have been going to the pub there after a long day of training to have a jug or two before heading home.

i'm sooo lucky to have them by my side!
training doesn't seem as torturous now!

on the downside, every morning is a big hassle and rush, as i have to apply full makeup and bun my hair before leaving for training! I am still trying to do the french twist, but in vain...

with the bun and makeup, i look like a chinese acrobat street performer.


*


well.....my love life is a bit complicated at this point in time, stagnant actually.

so no complaints there.


*


went to visit my grandma at the hospice yesterday.
she is just slowly deteriorating.

so painful to see her becoming so skeletal, and so weak.
but i'd rather she stop struggling and give up, so that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.

doctor says it would probably be these few days.

well...


*


i will try to update pictures and more intelligent posts soon ya?

now i just want to rest.