closing my eyes

i force myself not to think anymore...
so that we can all be happy..
occasionally, it flits in my mind....
are they still contacting? is he still lying to me? is he doing anything behind my back?
i hurt.


i quit my job...
so am actively looking for another now.


i guess, part of me died that day
when he wanted to leave and just end it.
its all my fault and it will always be my fault.

i guess thats why the ache in my heart has lessened..
because i have lost hope
and not because i learn to let go...
or is it?


it doesn't really matter anymore..
even though i still think about it.
there's no point isn't it? to think and make yourself miserable.


i've been sad enough.


so maybe just blindly groping in the dark is better.
cos we are happy now.

yawn

i am sooooooooooo tired!

work is horrible......can you believe that i don't even have time to eat? thank God i brought bread or i'd probably have to crawl home....


no time for break at all....everyday is rush rush rush......theres a deadline for this document, for that submission, for this updating......i can hardly stand up once i finis work.....


stupid system


*


anyway he's in KL for work now....
i guess my posts have been kinda depressing recently...sorry bout that.


i miss him....wonder if he misses me?
or is he glad to finally have a break away from me?


i think i think too much.....

but i can't help it! it comes naturally...
although if work keeps going on like this, i wouldn't have much brain cells to be able to think anymore.....


haiz.

i wish i could just let go.
not let anything or anyone bother me
live my life happily
with the one i love

why did i realise too late that i love you?
why do i always feel you don't love me back?

why can't you realise why i do what i do?
why do you want me to accept whatever you do?
why cant you accept what I do?


when will this war end?

oversaturated

he is still calling and smsing that girl...


he promised me he wouldnt...now he blames me for being selfish and that he just wants to keep her as a normal friend.


he even changed the name of her contact to another name...



i can never win any arguement with him....he twists everything and i have nothing to say...


why can't he listen to me for once, make me happy, maintain this relationship?


instead of keeping her in his life with the risk of breaking our relationship?


my heart aches.


he said he would gradually stop it, and that he felt guilty towards her cos he just left without a word.....so how long is this going to last? it seems like no end.


i dunno what to do anymore....


he says im possessive, overly suspicious...i agree i am paranoid.....


but who wants to share? which girl wants someone around that threatens the balance of a relationship?


why doesn't he ever understand and think about how I feel for once.


i know that its only a friend...but is she so important that he can't let her go? when he knows that if i find out it will shake us?


why can't i accept that she is just a friend? why must i make things worse?

so many questions in my head that he won't answer.


he said he would try to gradually stop contact.....i wish i could wait.




my world is crumbling.