sorry for the late update

so sorry for not updating.....i have had a lot of things on my mind recently....so didnt really have to mood to say anything..

well, me and the BF are back together....of cos things have not been the same....he was still hung up over that girl....and was constantly meeting her and smsing her when he told he he was with me!

i mean, like if you really want time to rest and think properly, dun tell me that you want to be with me and then still try to choose....one hand hugging me, another hand smsing her....i really dun wan to hate her, but i mean, when people tell you that they already have a girlfriend, please show some basic respect lah, don't keep calling and messaging, are you doing it on purpose?? She should know that if the other girl [me] sees the msgs then will lead to a quarrel right? well...its difficult to have any good thoughts about that bitch. I don't think she is as simple as she seems.....*dark look*

he says he chooses me, but i still can't help being paranoid....i mean, when he was with me, he still do all the things behind my back.....how to trust him?? at least what i did, even though was wrong, but at least i wasn't with him at that time mah.....

well....we are back together.....everything seems ok....but he hasn't said he loved me in a long time.......and whenever i ask him, he evades the question..... am i wrong to want to hear sweet nothings to make mysef happy??? he makes me feel that he is undecided still...that once i turn my back he will go running back to that bitch.....the suspicion is eating away at my very soul and mind.........

but i'm trying to trust him.....to be together trust is very important right? i just hope that he will try to make me feel secure....just like what i am trying very hard to do.....

hmm...so much for the relationship thingy....i'm getting quite sick of thinking about it......its really tiring for the brain...

just one more week and i finish my last assignment! that means i graduate [if i pass] and i have to.....start looking for a full-time job........up till now i really dunno what i want to do....having lost my focus due to the relationship thing....what should i do?

my parents want me to get a highly paid job with a nice-to-hear designation.......

so....any job offers?

i live alone; absolutely alone

the BF has found out something that has changed his perspective of me forever...

harsh words were exchanged, he wanted to leave; i shamelessly clung on to him for dear life...crying, begging, pleading....don't leave me, i can't live without you...

too late i realised the folly of my ways, too late have i tried to salvage the dying relationship; too late did i realise what i really needed and wanted....i have seen what i did wrong, and i have tried so hard to clear it all up.....and i almost did....

till he found out.


now, no matter what i say and do, its no use anymore...i hurt him beyond words, and he will never forgive me...what should be said has been spoken, nothing will ease the pain and change the fact. now all i can do is sit and watch as he drifts out of my reach, as i shed bitter tears for the unsolvable situation which me, and me alone, caused.


i love you, i regret, i know what i did wrong. please forgive me dear, come back.

it's complicated

i'm going through a transitional period of my life now..

well....firstly i found out the BF has a gf.....and my emotionally charged reaction shocked myself...

i got myself horribly drunk the day that i knew, and i spent the next few days acting like a paranoid stalker that starts crying everytime ANYTHING happens. i pushed, i probed, i made many angry unfounded comments and kept drinking and drinking..

it was a horrible week, where melissa lost control of her whole being and principles.

i was the one who let him go, i was the one who did him wrong, i was the one who heartlessly ignored him even though he tried desperately to win me back. But now i'm the one that is holding on and not letting go.

i didn't want to go back, cos i was scared; i was afraid that all he promised would be a lie, and everything would come back to square one again...i was unsure, and hurt others in the process. Iwas confused, to go back or not...i guess that finding out the news that he has truely let me go was the motivator that helped me decide once and for all. the answer was so clear for all to see:

I Love Him. very much...and i wanted him back.

knowing that he was lost to me made me do many many stupid things.....it felt like deja vu and i could understand how he felt the time when i rejected him time and time again. I kept asking him, what he wanted...i just really needed him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and i could give up once and for all.

but in the end, he said he chose me.

happiness was short-lived though...he has changed....he no longer is as caring, no longer do i feel the love from him. his silence, and announcement for me to give him time, left me crying in the corner......i keep thinking of weird things......like does he still miss her? does he regret his choice? does he even still love me?

i become paranoid, jealous of everything, desperately being as nice and as loving as i can, in a bid to win him back; to make him love me again, to make him realise that i am sincere, that i can give up everything to be with him, for everything to be like last time......

i dunno what he is thinking, and what he is doing........his silence is driving me crazy when i want to have a good talk and really discuss what he wants. he says he is confused......i think, if he really thinks she's that good, then why not just go back to her and leave me alone in my misery? better than leaving everything hanging. he is so selfish.

all i want is for him to talk to me...for him to let me know[in detail] what is going on and where i stand. i dunno how long i can take this silence and indifference.......

i will try. i really want to try....i just hope everything would settle itself and be ok.

prepare for depressing posts for the next few weeks.

Yay!~

i have officially quit my job.

thanks darran, for the introduction, but i really can't take so much work on such a measly pay anymore....plus its eating into my schoolwork.....and we wouldn't want me to fail yet again right??

well....its a difficult time for me.....let's just say that i know something i wish i didn't know. and somethings are just hard to let go of...i'm really tired of all that is happening right now and i'm so close to having yet another mental breakdown.....

need to get my life sorted out.

still busy

i'm up to my ears in work...guess im still trying to get the pace.......i think i have nua-ed too long...now everyone commented on how stressed i look......so many things to rush, and the fucker is piling s many last minute things on me.....how am i going to cope??? my school assignment is due on tues and i havent got the time to start anything......God help me...

i hope after next week things will slow down a little...so i can take a breather.....instead of being so tensed up every single day.....

will update asap!

work sucks

im at work now....from the silent office where the only sound is the fishtank bubbling and the dripping of water from the leaking air con....

im bored......so bored....and he's throwing so much fucking work at me that i cant even find the time to do my schoolwork.....im going to die of stress soon...

i'm suppsed to think up 40 cool places, things to do, people to meet.....every fucking two weeks!! i'm not even cool...how am i supposed to know where is cool???


help.

busy busy busy

sorry for the lack of updates! i'm soooooooo busy!

writing and writing and [going out] researching.........its like a never ending story........i know i love writing but this is completely ridiculous............*faints*

i really am trying to find the time to update in the midst of my busy busy schedule.......but its kind of diffiicult cos once i have free time i sleep , read, or play games.......

well......asap, promise!

My First Assignment

I'm going for my first assignment today!

Its at Muddy Murphy's Irish Pub, the event being Singapore 11th Guinness Oyster Shucking [Opening] Championship 2007......

I don't know what to do and what to say and what information I need...I don't know who to look for........I'm afraid i'll make a fool of myself again; which is the norm when i get panicky at social situations. When I try to act cool, I usually end up falling or dropping something or knocking over something or spilling liquids...on people.

Well, i shall just go and have fun and try my best lor......what to do? For the first time, there's no guidelines, no one to ask for help, nothing but me and myself.


But you know what? I like it.

I got it!

Went for the interview for writer yesterday! I got it!


weirdly, i didn't feel as jubilant as i should be....could it be the fact that the impact of the fact that i would have to start providing for myself suddenly becomes so much clearer? Something that i have been trying to avoid for a very long time hehe. i think it was too early and i was smiling for a little too long......

fatigue = not much enthusiasm ....bummer

Now im working again, and school has started, and i have a lot of games to complete, plus a lot of pics to update...so busy..........just thinking about it makes me tired...

anyway...now i have to start being cool. have to come up with cool places to go and things to do that not many have heard of for a short start-up article. for a cheena girl that constantly sticks to the same places of interest in heartland area, how to find?? So i am counting on my beloved friends to inform me should there be any great newish restaurants, pubs, clubs, drinking-hole, shops, etc... Any ideas? =)

It's off to Bangkok!

I'm leaving for Bangkok on 24th of February, Saturday, which is tomorrow!

Everyone keeps telling me that there are repeated bombings and all and I'm actually reconsidering a bit .....but i mean i will go in the end, the money being paid and everything...I mean, even if i die, at least I die shopping right? hehehe.

Thank you for all who made this trip possible [you know who you are =)]... and i hope that I will be able to get many many things on my limited budget!

Well...recently everyone has been bugging for me to get a job. I really don't envision myself going into the IT line although its what I'm currently studying; I've always wanted to write you know? And I actually seriously considered trying for SQ as the money is good of cos, not to mention I think I would love it, the travelling and exposure......but i just dread the interviews...next intake is on March 4th, still wondering if I should go for it.....

Because after my years of bugging Darran, he finally got a lobang for me!! Its an entry level position in the magazine that he was previously working at; its like a dream come true! I've tried so long to get a chance of getting into the line and fufilling my dream of writing for a living...and finally I got an opportunity! I have already sent in my CV and am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for a reply from the guy. I think if he hasn't contacted me by the time I get back from Bangkok, I will give him a call to try and impress him with my charm [or lack of] and a lot of pleading. Do you think going on my knees and holding on to his leg while crying and speaking in a pathetic voice too much?

Well, shall keep you guys updated after Bangkok!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quick Updates:

• i have yet to start packing my room! and CNY is drawing closer and closer! im dead meat...


• i had a small arguement with yenlin; which i will elaborate when i get the chance..


• i'm running out of books to read, running out of money to buy them, as well as running out of space to put any new ones...


• i confirmed going to bangkok; no matter how poor i will be after that.


• i dyed my hair purple! problem is, only can see the purple in strong light....so that means i have to carry a spotlight everywhere i go so that people can see the color....haiz..pics to come soon!

ermm.....thats about all at the moment. all will be elaborated soon!!

No pictures yet.

Sorry for the lack of updates! I have been so so busy recently that any free time i have is immediately spent sleeping. I have so many pictures to edit and upload but i havent got the chance to do so yet! Like yenlin's bdae, my long-overdue hongkong trip pics, few from outings and all.....haven't been bringing my camera out much cos so little chance to take photos! [plus the camera quite heavy also....-_-]

Anyway, i am also trying very hard to pack up my room before the new year rolls in!! so far i haven't seen any improvement.....and im still buying stuff, many many stuff........even though i have to save money for my next trip: BANGKOK!! going with yenlin, marcus, gladys and daniel. Yup, two couples, im going to be the odd one out, the lightbulb [sharing room with yenlin].....but i think its going to be ok.....I actually wanted to back out from the trip, when i realised that my cash situation is very very bad....but i was the one to suggest to go lor......yenlin cut me off when i hinted that i wanted to back out.........so sad......

i might have to rob someone. haiz.

my cousin in france, Jonathan, might be coming over to look for me!! he hopes that i am free to accompany him shopping, party, etc...i hope too.....he says summer, WHEN THE FUCK IS SUMMER?!?! i replied a long email about there being no seasons in Singapore and i couldnt be bothered to find out when was summer, and could he please indicate the month like his teacher taught him to. We didn't endure all the excruciating years of spelling for nothing you know!!

Anyway i hope he comes over, haven't seen him in 2 years.....he suggested a weekend getaway for us both haha...i think cos he wants to come to singapore for once and not be trapped by our aunties and uncles hahaah. but i think it would be fun to have a short trip with him. looking forward to it!

I shall end with a pic of my two delicious french cousins, Jonathan on the left and Brian on the right. Til next time!

Life is good!

Let's just say I have seen the light.......hahaha

these two days i have reverted back to the old, smiling, cheerful, happy melissa. I feel so fresh, so relaxed. After when the binds finally let go of my suffocating heart, suddenly, the world seems to be such a beautiful place.

I go where i please, do what i want...[except my homework lah....really need to get it on...]...... anywhere i wish, without having to ask permission, to give report, without having to explain why I change my location from here to there...I spent a whole blissful afternoon in east coast reading, all by myself, just doing NOTHING.....i enjoyed every single fucking minute of it.

Then I spent the night playing pool at the pub....it was great.

Later im going rollarblading by myself...haha.....hope i finally learn how to brake.....or you can look forward to a very bruised and battered me by the end of the day.

And on Saturday, ICESKATING!!!! been so long since i skated......too bad charmaine cant make it.....i remember the very last time we went skating......we were panting and all covered in perspiration after only ONE round of speed skate at jurong..........it felt like our legs were going to fall off!! Xiang dang nian ah...4-5 rounds also bo la sar..........we are getting old.....*sob*

Well....i hope my estatic mood lasts.....and not just a mask to cover up my sadness again.....my body is leaving me out of meetings and not telling me what is going on....

Later!

Its just another rainy day

I'm in my lowest period right now; wandering around aimlessly, dunno what to do, where to go, what choice to make.....i want to just run away from everything and pretend that nothing is wrong.....as i always do...but reality keeps forcing me to come to a decision.

I really love him, but i dunno what's stopping me from going back...everytime he touches me, everytime he makes references to our future, i feel so scared, so fan gan...i can't let him touch me, everything he does i get so frustrated, so angry......i just keep pushing him away; leave me alone...he is trying i know....but i'm afraid that it will all come back to square one again.

On the other hand, he, who loves me unconditionally, who gives in to my every whim and every request....i'm happy, but i'm afraid that it might not last. I dun want to hurt again, dun want to break another heart......we seem so unsuitable, but so suitable at the same time.

i choose the easy way out; dun make any choice, just give up everything, and live my own life, like nothing is wrong......

i choose freedom.

i want to do whatever i want, whenever i want. not to have to worry about another's feelings, not to have to report, not to have to ask permission or arrange a premature ending of a potentially good night.

I have friends, so many people who love and care for me. I dun have to be afraid that i will not have anything to do to occupy my time. i'm out almost everyday and every night, and i still haven't met up with all yet...

Yet, I have never felt more lonely.

Last week of work

This is officially my last week of work before I can finally get to stay at home and bum...for a while at least.....i think i have many things to do when i finally get the chance to stay home lor...

1) Finish my assignments: I am terribly overdue with my assignments. got a one week extension [til 12th jan] but till now i haven't even touched it yet....no inspiration....i have to finish it tonight cos tomorrow's the due date....God help me.

2) Play Dota with my brother: i have promised him like a million years ago that i would play it with him when i brought my computer back from the office.....well its at home now....but i havent got the time or mood to start mastering a new strategy game, even if the graphics are superb..

3) Pack my room: This ones a killer....my room is all laden with shopping bags, books, bags, new purchases, and god knows what else......i have no wall or floor left visible. Every available surface or corner is chock full of items, and making my way around my room is only possible by climbing up and down the bed, which is the only clear thing in my room. My wardrobe is overflowing, and clothes are all around the place......I HAVE TO PACK BEFORE NEW YEAR!!

thats about it so far....just thinking about them makes me tired......will update when i think of anymore...

now i have to go back to finding things to do in the office with my cousin's hawk eyes scrutinising every movement i make.

Later.

Where has all the retro gone?

Singapore clubs seriously are not paying enough attention to Retro.

Zouk was highly disappointing. Maybe we were too early.....was almost crooned to sleep with oldies from the time we got there. waited impatiently till 11pm til they finally played some decent dance music. Then i spent the better half of the night cringing at the bad mixes, the sudden changes of song and tempo, the bad timing and of cos, the bad dancing all around me. Thank God the company was great, and that was what made the night bearable.

We seriously need to find more places that play retro, that actually play music that we like...we were hoping for Boney M's remix of "Sunny", but guess the DJ was too busy playing the same old playlist every freaking Wednesday, and trying to mix two songs together without making short awkward pauses. Dedications were pointless. They are not going to fuck care about your preferences when they cant even get their own preferences to sound good. I don't think the DJ would be able to fit it in his carefully planned list.

Anyone know any nice places that play good retro music?

Mambo!

Going Zouk tonight with yenlin and meta!!

Gonna shake my bon bon all night to RETRO!

It's a New Year

Another year has past. Looking back, I feel exhausted. 2006 wasn't exactly one of my best years.

In 2006, I made many new friends and rekindled old friendships. I found out who really cared about me and who were only passing by.

In 2006, I made my first trip without a boyfriend, or family member.

In 2006, I left the person I love.

In 2006, I cried more in a month than I did for the past two years.

In 2006, I got my first bouquet of flowers from him.

In 2006, I realised how much I really wanted to have children.

In 2006, I realised how afraid I was of marriage, and how I was not ready for commitment.

In 2006, I hurt a friend.

In 2006, my clothes couldn't fit anymore.

In 2006, a lot of people got married.

In 2006, a lot of people got pregnant.

In 2006, Jennie welcomed Jared into our lives.

In 2006, I learnt the meaning of courage when she decided to keep the baby and put it up for adoption, because someone needs it more than her.

In 2006, I realised how much my parents really understood me and my need for freedom.

In 2006, I broke someone's heart.

I'm in a miserable state right now. 2007. Yeah.

Happy New Year!

I'm back from HongKong...i'm still nursing my numb feet....i swear my legs are going to fall of soon....

Pictures and commentary to come soon after i have done the usual editing!!!


Happy New Year everyone!!