alone

i hate being alone overseas in the hotel room.

i seem to be going out more often recently. although im tired and all.

i'm not myself anymore. i am not the happy person i used to be, full of nonsense and the entertainer in a group. i now exclude myself and is content with just sitting in a corner and listening; hoping someone would show me some attention. i'm tired of having to get attention on my own. sometimes i wonder if my presence plays a part or not.

i cling desperately to my looks, my voice, playing pool, drinking, being the fun person i used to be; because i feel that no one actually would want to know me or be my friend if they dun have a reason to. without all these, who would see me for what i am? who would like me for me?

sometimes, being alone, i think of what had been and could have been. and i regret sometimes doing what i do. sometimes i wish that I could have had those feelings again, those moments replayed. with the same person. why couldn't i have held on to what was working, instead of leaving cause of my own fears and disillusions?

i'm scared, i'm wounded. and i'm not willing to heal myself but keep subjecting myself to hurt, and run away when an old wound threatens to hurt, even before it starts hurting.



when will i cross my own hurdle?

hmm

have been thinking of getting a blog for jus my work. i mean i could put my more serious writing there so i can share on a more professional level.

any ideas for blog names?


i managed to register melissacheng.blogspot.com but was thinking of using it to replace this.




suggestions?

Happy Birthday To Me!

I'm 27!!

Another year older, another year of happiness and sorrows.

Happy Birthday to me.

Endorphine - Nam Dtem Kaew - น้ำเต็มแก้ว

I have been going to Thai discos just to try to get the title for this song.
Finally I managed to find it! I love it!

Have to find their album cos the rest of their songs are quite good too!!

Enjoy.



วันๆที่เป็นอยู่ เฝ้าทำเพื่อเธอทุกอย่าง
wan-wan tee bpen yoo fao tam peua ter took yaang
Every day I did everything for you.

แต่ใจเธอไม่เคยลืมรักครั้งเก่าd
tae jai ter mai koie leum rak krang gao
But your heart never forget your past love.

เธอเป็นแก้วใบหนึ่ง ที่เต็มไปด้วยน้ำเปล่า
ter bpen gaew bai neung tee dtem bpai duay naam bplao
You are like a glass that is full of water,

ยิ่งเทเติมลงไปมีแต่ล้นออก
ying tay dterm long bpai mee dtae lon ok
which overflows when it is filled with water

คนเก่า รักเก่า เธอไม่เคยลบเลือน
kon gao rak gao ter mai koie lop leuan
Your past love is still in your heart.

คนใหม่ รักใหม่ เลยท้อ
kon mai rak mai loie tor
The one who (now) loves you is feeling disheartened.

จริงๆเข้าใจอยู่ กับความทรงจำครั้งเก่า
jing-jing kao jai yoo gap kwaam song jam krang gao
I understand that you hold on to the past memories.

แต่อย่าเอามันมาปิดกั้นหัวใจ
dtae yaa ao man maa bpit gan hua jai
But do not use it to seal the door to your heart.

เปลี่ยนเป็นแก้วเปล่า แก้วใหม่ เปิดใจทีนะเธอ
bplian bpen gaew bplao gaew mai bpert jai tee na ter
Change your heart into an empty glass, a new glass. Open your heart,

รับหน่อย รู้หน่อย ความรัก จากฉัน
rap noi roo noi kwaam rak jaak chan
accept and know my love for you.

ฉันยังต้องรออีกนานไหม ต้องรอเธออีกนานไหม
chan yang dtong ror eek naan mai dtong ror ter eek naan mai
How much longer must I wait? Must I wait for a long time?

ถึงจะได้เจอกับรักที่เธอเคยบอกฉัน
teung ja daai jer gap rak tee ter koie bok chan
Only then will I have your love.

เมื่อไหร่รักเก่าระเหย ฉันรอให้เธอได้ลืมเขาสักวัน
meua-rai rak gao ra-hoie chan ror hai ter daai leum kao sak wan
When will you forget your past love? I am waiting for you to forget her.

เพื่อการเริ่มใหม่ ครั้งใหม่ เพื่อเธอกับฉันและรักเรา
peua gaan rerm-mai krang mai peua ter gap chan lae rak rao
For a new beginning, a new era, for you and me, and our love.
(Interlude)

ทุ่มเทเท่าไหร่มันก็ล้นเท่านั้น
toom tay tao-rai man gor lon tao nan
However much I lavish my love on you, it flows away out of your heart.

ไม่อาจสัมผัสเข้าถึงสักครั้ง
mai aat sam-pat kao teung sak krang
My love is unable to enter your heart.

ฉันยังต้องรออีกนานไหม ต้องรอเธออีกนานไหม
chan yang dtong ror eek naan mai dtong ror ter eek naan mai
How much longer must I wait? Must I wait for a long time?

ถึงจะได้เจอกับรักที่เธอเคยบอกฉัน
teung ja daai jer gap rak tee ter koie bok chan
Only then will I have your love.

เมื่อไหร่รักเก่าระเหย ฉันรอให้เธอได้ลืมเขาสักวัน
meua-rai rak gao ra-hoie chan ror hai ter daai leum kao sak wan
When will you forget your past love? I am waiting for you to forget her.

เพื่อการเริ่มใหม่ ครั้งใหม่ บอกหน่อย
peua gaan rerm-mai krang mai bok noi
For a new beginning, a new era, please tell me.

ฉันควรรอต่อไปไหม ต้องรอเธออีกนานไหม
chan kuan ror dtor bpai mai dtong ror ter eek naan mai
Should I continue to wait for you? Must I wait for a long time?

ถึงจะได้เจอกับรักที่เธอเคยบอกฉัน
teung ja daai jer gap rak tee ter koie bok chan
Only then will I have your love.

เมื่อไหร่รักเก่าระเหย ฉันรอให้เธอได้ลืมเขาสักวัน
meua-rai rak gao ra-hoie chan ror hai ter daai leum kao sak wan
When will you forget your past love? I am waiting for you to forget her.

เพื่อการเริ่มใหม่ ครั้งใหม่ เพื่อเธอกับฉันและรักเรา
peua gaan rerm-mai krang mai peua ter gap chan lae rak rao
For a new beginning, a new era, for you and me, and our love.

hmm

sorry for the lack of updates.

have been really busy with an empty mind so words don't seem to form.

busy facebooking though.

and have a whole load of pictures to edit and upload!



later.

Reflections

Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you
realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

A cup of love

there's nothing like a cup of fragrant, sweet tea to cure a depressed night.

Tears In Heaven

Dear Mummy,

I am in Heaven now, sitting on god's lap. He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken. I so wanted to be your little boy. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existance.

I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping.

Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me. Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mummy, Mummy, help me please; Mummy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop.

I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your son. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me to god and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and He was my Father now. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little boy.

I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mummy, please watch out for that abortion monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.


Love,
Your Baby Boy

" I hand them over to you, My Lord, to keep them warm and safe,
to love them like I couldn't, until the day that we reunite. "
- Anonymous

The Right One

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you,

for exactly what you are – good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you.

the right person’s still going to think the sunshine shines out of your ass.

that’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.


- juno (2007)

Nostalgic Night

Do you ever read your old diaries?

Flipping the pages as you read and re-read pages of your scribbled handwriting, each form and structure unique as they depict the emotions that pour on the pages of the well-worn notebook.

As you run your fingers and embrace the familiar feel of the letters pressed into the smooth paper, you re-visit times of joy and sorrow. You remember the incidents that created the entry and touch the dried tears that has smudged the ink.

the messy lines, the neat words, the long rants, the short sentances; then you remember how the pen and paper accompanied you at the times when you were most down, when you were alone in your room, crying your heart out; softly, lest you were overheard; at the point when you were about to give up on everything else, because you felt like dying, because there was no way to solve it; incidents after incidents that seems so similar and different at the same time; love lost and found; words of despair and pain.

then you lose yourself in the memories of surprise gifts and small gestures of love; the outings, the softly spoken words, the nights of confessions, the stolen hugs and kisses and meetings; the small bursts of love and passion from strangers that have left footprints; the arrivals and departures; new ventures and gain.




the comfort of writing.

*

i have been in a state of depression again.

ever since yenlin; ever since the horrible flight.
or what was it?


it went away for a while.




tonight, it visits again.


i feel lonely, and empty.
wondering what am i doing, what should I do.
i must be strong, but I am weakened.

i don't know how long more I can stay strong.
But i have to; my friends need me. I have to.


I haven't been able to cry for a long while.
Even if I do, it stops immediately.

I long for a good looong cry right now.
Maybe it might make me feel better?


or maybe I have no more tears left.





I wish I knew what was wrong.

THANKS AND GRATITUDE

Just received this in an email:

Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's
your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain,
jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when
your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on
this earth forever. One day, we will not have to worry about going to work
or how we will make our car payment.

We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how
we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of
this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow,
for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. When you wake up each
morning, thank the Lord for waking you up.

When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day.
If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that
He May bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you
the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job,
thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you.


When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank
the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you
are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If
you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So
the next time that you get mad, think twice.

The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice.
The next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken,
think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has
given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God
knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a
gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back.


Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what
you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No
matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement,
and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't
cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.


Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him.

God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in
time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present
us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says. The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last.

Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for
us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes
on our backs, we should thank Him anyway.

I think that we are not thankful for what we have; instead, we always wish we had more, and envy others better than us, with thing that we crave.

We must realise and be grateful for the simple things in life, because without Him, we would have nothing.

Amen to that.

Doe, a deer, a female deer!

I love the way it seems that they all spontaneously joined in the dance!

I wanna do that too!

To be a part of something so random and amazing and happy would be wonderful!!




must start planning!!!

From Seoul to San Francisco..

Its 5am in San Francisco.
I think i'm seriously jet-lagged cos I seem to be waking up the oddest hours!

well, wasn't really looking forward to another long 4-sector flight but so far its still ok.

Touched down in Seoul on the 28th, and I finally got the chance to try out authentic Korean Bulgogi Beef! It was deeeeeelicious!!! mmmmm....it came raw with onions so you had to sort of bbq it yourself on the hotplate. There was a sort of dip around the corners of the hotplate, so all the gravy was there, and i happily placed all the onions there to sautee them so that they were nice and soft. I just love it, love it!!

After dinner, me and the steward, Siva, went over to another crew joint, Westrock, to have a drink at the bar. What I thought to be a small drink, turned to 4 jugs when my leading steward, Ronnie, walked through the door! We started talking and the crowd came in. A table of angmohs started singing karaoke [good voice, one of them] and in my intoxicated state, I dared a song too....i fucked it up horribly....so paiseh. Finally forced them to go back although they wanted another drink.

I have been drinking too much lately and the sight of alcohol makes my stomach feel weird.


After a super tiring flight to San Francisco, with horrible passengers who refused to sleep and keep asking for food and drinks even though meal service was just completed, I dragged myself to the Thai joint to meet some of the crew for lunch. Was kinda excited cos I haven't been there before so was hoping for a walk-around. We had big plans, to shop and visit the Golden Gate Bridge.


Anyway, after lunch, the girls said they were going shopping, while Siva looked at me and being the alcoholic that he is, asked me if i wanted to get some beers. I chose to go shopping instead......bad choice...

As i happily dragged my tired body to follow the girls, they suddenly all stopped and said to each other, " Ok we see how later!"......the were all seperating!!! I was left pathetically alone, without a clue as to where i was and where i could go. I ended up walking aimlessly with my baby slung ard my neck...trying to find shopping places...



I took a complete wrong turning and found myself in the dangerous part of town, where the African-Americans dominated. I just kept walking and walking, taking in the sights and happenings ard me.

My gut feeling told me that it was the wrong place to be. But i kept walking. I instinctively realised that there were "Safe" sides of the road to be on. If you kept on the opp side, or the safe side, you were ok. I chanced upon two cops questioning an old black couple on the streets cos they were selling cigerettes, asking them if they checked the IDs of the youngsters that bought from them. It was kinda scary when the groups of black youngsters were congregating outside the liquor store or convenience store. It was until i went on the street where there was a Gun Store, then i decided to quickly get out of there.



after that i realised what a dangerous street it was to be on. Apparantly in Frisco, you could hear gunshots at night around our hotel. This is actually a very dangerous place to be in. I could hear police sirens at all times of the night; Wan said that the police are very busy people over here......thank God nothing happened to me.

The next morning, I woke up at 2am....lazing around in my room, the girls called for lunch. We went to the Cheesecake Factory at Macy's! Following them, I realised that I was walking along a completely different path the day before, and that was why I couldn't find any shopping places....all hidden here lor. We had a nice lunch, and went shopping! I spent almost US$150....didn't go sight seeing cos we were all so tired in the end.

*

so now its 5.30am in the morning and I'm awake already.

the girls already have plans to head down to Myeung Dong for shopping when we touch down in Seoul.

I want to eat the bulgogi again!!!!

i am seriously overspending on this trip....howhowhow????

turning and turning around

i just came back from a Bangalore overnight turn this morning at 6am.
Reported at 6pm last evening.

i did a Jarkarta turn and the horrible Bangkok turn before this.


wah lau soooooo tiring lor...non stop and didnt rest much. my feet are swollen already.





Money very difficult to earn ah. =(

Robocop

my grandfather is in the hospital.

he had been feeling unwell of late. giddy, headache, nausea...everything he ate he vomitted out.
quite alarming cos he's already in his 80s.

everytime i come back from flight recently he always says he still does not feel well. saw three doctors and still the same.

so a few days ago, he was admitted to hospital. The doctors said his heartbeat is irregular. When i say irregular i mean his heart actually stops beating for a while and starts again. That is what caused the giddyness cos there wasn't enough oxygen in his body.

I asked him if he was pregnant.

Charmaine said cos my grandma wasn't here anymore to quarrel with him and keep him on his nerves. Quarrelling makes the heart beat faster, so it should be able to regulate his blood pressure and makes for a healthy body. Har-dee-har-ha.


well, he just had an operation this morning. Installed a battery in his body, or pace-maker, to keep the heart beating properly.



Daddy says now he's Robocop. -_-



the jokes we make to ease the tension in these situations.

thinking out loud

well....recently caught alex holding hands with his new gf; the day before still was msging me and saying he still care and all. What nonsense.

surprisingly i didn't feel upset or what....felt a bit sad and more disappointed though.


how can he keep acting like he is so pitiful when he is already in the midst of being with another girl? making me look and feel bad when i keep rejecting his "care" and concern". Like i'm so cruel.


well, after so many years, this is the first time i saw it right in front of my face.

but when i felt nothing, i knew that it was truely over. and i had finally, finally let go.


still, being human, i felt sucky for a while.

*

sometimes, when i'm all alone, i think back on what has happened and the things I have been through while attempting to fight the war of love. True, I have hurt, I have had my heart broken over and over, especally by the ones that i put in the most...but i still find courage to try again and again.

it has come to a point where i wish that I could find peace and stop searching for that perfect person. because, for all i know, he might not even exist. But I have been spoilt and have become jaded over the years, that i DO actually know what I want from my other half. Just that the ones that I'm with have a hard time fufilling what I want, cos they don't know what is it. Much as I proclaim that these factors are the ones I ask for, I do come close to admitting that maybe i really don't know what I want at all.

you see, we all have certain expectations of our partner. and sometimes our partner can't read our minds, and we make noise. That's where the arguement starts; more from frustration than anything else, cos both parties don't really know what they want. but if the partner can read minds, then he/she would be making it a profession instead. so how are we expected to understand the other point of view when our own clouds or judgement.

sometimes, its tiring to try and understand, or to be understanding.


i tell you, much as I hate being alone, I can't help but to wonder if all these relationships are the ones that make me lonely in the first place.

*

i love having someone to care about, who cares about me in the same way.

but i suddenly feel like i need to take a break...






......sometimes, i wouldn't mind going back to being single, just to connect with myself again.

still awake

i'm sooooo tired.

slept for about 20 minutes and woke up at 2plus am. At least i think i slept.

tossed and turned till 4plus and i gave up trying.
was supposed to wake at 5.30am.



got training later...have to do CPR. I think its a cursed subject for me.
the last time i went for my CPR test i was suffering from a hangover, vomitting the whole night.

i had to do the freaking test 5 times before i finally passed.
my pressure was all wrong, and i think if the dummy was a real person, his ribs would have turned into powder from all my colorful variations of pumping on his chest.


i can actually start preparing for class now lor. slowly have my breakfast and tea...and reach there before anyone else. And i will probably fall asleep in the early afternoon.



i'm so screwed.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

Favourite song of the moment; Amy Winehouse did a great job in jazzing up the classic.
The lyrics have great meaning also.

Underlying meaning: DOUBT?

Enjoy.

Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, cause I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Yeah

why does the sea rush to shore?

i am sooooo exhausted.

recently life has been a blur; all i remember is working in one draining flight after another, and rushing to balance family events, friend's invites, spending time and sleep. Of cos everything else comes before my own time and sleep. I am soooo lacking in me-time.

after that horrible dxb/cai flight, i have become so sian lor.


why after so long i still get demotivated so fast?



now everything seems wrong, everything goes wrong.






i need a break.


Sydney later. Til I'm back.

ooooooooooo!

I'm in love..............

was flipping through a magazine and saw this new watch from Burberry!

didn't have the price, though...should be very expensive lor...haiz. But i think its soooooo nice! Must go see and try the real thing!

i like.....=)

which one's nicer, black or steel?