Reflections

I haven't been sleeping well..

ever since he told me all he said that night..


i feel so useless, so fucked up, so lost....


im not worth it at all.....

clinging on to the only hope that he loved me enough to come back and try again even though i did him wrong.
the only hope that he chose me instead......

but i wonder, what if he regrets?

now i dunno what to do, dunno where to go..

should i leave him alone to his own devices, even though i miss him so much every minute?
should i go out more, so he can have the personal time the he keeps requesting for?
should i stick closer, to rebuild the relationship?



i don't feel wanted anymore. =(

sometimes

when i look in the mirror


i see a stranger looking back at me

beautiful

saw this on http://www.perezhilton.com/ ....its absolutely beautiful

press "play", "pause" it and wait for it to fully load, and watch the whole thing straight.

her truly impressive performance of Somewhere Over The Rainbow on Britain's Got Talent.

such a young girl, with such a fantastic voice, so full of emotion and without music!

don't know why, but when i heard the little sweetie singing, my eyes filled up with tears...

emotions i felt i could not identify...


was it all the stresses of recent events fightng to be released through my over flowing eyes?

i had a headache trying to hold them in.




i never felt more alone.

...and the days turn to months

so sorry for the lack of updates....

was busy trying to finish my homework and discover the secret to self-preservation.

.....i'm trying......to forget, to forgive......to pretend nothing is wrong at all.....to pretend that we are not distant......



i just wish that he would make it easier for me.

its so hard

why is it so difficult for me to let go of the past? the paronoia is killing me, like a snake uncoiling inside, waiting to attack.

all i want is to feel that he cares, that he loves me...that i matter more, that i'm more important.....

i try to tell him, to make him understand...but he thinks i'm possessive, and sensitive...how can i explain how i feel? should i just stupidly take it that nothing is wrong and blindly plunge into the darkness?

dear, do you really prefer me to be dumb?

being a couple, we must compromise, we have to not do things to make each other unhappy, we should make each other comfortable instead right? i really don't want things to be so unhappy...i'm so tired of apologising. i just want it to be the two of us ONLY...and nothing else. i want to feel that i am important to him, that he is also trying to keep me by his side, instead of asking me to fuck off everytime we quarrel.

what will happen if we get married? he said he has changed...but he still shouts at me in public, he still has his MCP habits, so what if he lets me go out now? that's not what i want now. when i remind him of his promise, he says that he doesn't like to make promises to me cos i keep reminding him of it. WTF?? now even making promises is wrong? so i can't remind him of it anymore??

I have never been the submissive kind of girl who sits there and agrees to everything you say like an idiot. i will give in, but i will also fight for my rights and what i think is right. i am not a weak woman. i am not an idiot.

maybe the BF prefers idiots.

i don't feel loved anymore.

i don't feel he needs me anymore.




i feel like giving up.

heartbreak

being my usual kaypo paranoid suspicious self, last night i looked through his mobile again..

he created a folder to specially keep all the bitch's pictures.

why? is she so important that he has to consolidate all her pictures in a folder? is it for easy viewing for himself? and it was done only last week.

i feel that i have wasted my time, my energy, on a cause that is not worth it. after trying so hard, to trust him, to believe, to forget and forgive, i still have to stumble upon a whole fucking folder dedicated to her.

i told him; she has to disappear, no more calls, no more msgs....like she never existed..

he said he just wanted to put everything together so i wouldn't find it here and there. he said that there was nothing and that it was only a memory. did he honestly think that i would think that way?? how could he even think that i would be happy with him keeping that fucking bitch pictures in his mobile and computer???

i'm trying so hard, to not mention, to be happy and to make him happy. i'm trying...so hard...

why can't he just make me trust him.

*

i had a bad night. i dreamt that i tried to forget everything and be acquaintances with that bitch, and allowed him to talk to her.
then i realised that he was lying to me, constantly contacting her and meeting up with her....like the last time when he lied to me..

in the dream, i confronted him...and he said that he would continue, whether i liked it or not...

i cried and cried....i was so lost, i felt so stupid.

i walked off and went to ask the bitch, if she could just leave him alone. begging.

i was so weak, so lousy.....

i woke up in tears.

what am i going to do.

me

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

sorry for the late update

so sorry for not updating.....i have had a lot of things on my mind recently....so didnt really have to mood to say anything..

well, me and the BF are back together....of cos things have not been the same....he was still hung up over that girl....and was constantly meeting her and smsing her when he told he he was with me!

i mean, like if you really want time to rest and think properly, dun tell me that you want to be with me and then still try to choose....one hand hugging me, another hand smsing her....i really dun wan to hate her, but i mean, when people tell you that they already have a girlfriend, please show some basic respect lah, don't keep calling and messaging, are you doing it on purpose?? She should know that if the other girl [me] sees the msgs then will lead to a quarrel right? well...its difficult to have any good thoughts about that bitch. I don't think she is as simple as she seems.....*dark look*

he says he chooses me, but i still can't help being paranoid....i mean, when he was with me, he still do all the things behind my back.....how to trust him?? at least what i did, even though was wrong, but at least i wasn't with him at that time mah.....

well....we are back together.....everything seems ok....but he hasn't said he loved me in a long time.......and whenever i ask him, he evades the question..... am i wrong to want to hear sweet nothings to make mysef happy??? he makes me feel that he is undecided still...that once i turn my back he will go running back to that bitch.....the suspicion is eating away at my very soul and mind.........

but i'm trying to trust him.....to be together trust is very important right? i just hope that he will try to make me feel secure....just like what i am trying very hard to do.....

hmm...so much for the relationship thingy....i'm getting quite sick of thinking about it......its really tiring for the brain...

just one more week and i finish my last assignment! that means i graduate [if i pass] and i have to.....start looking for a full-time job........up till now i really dunno what i want to do....having lost my focus due to the relationship thing....what should i do?

my parents want me to get a highly paid job with a nice-to-hear designation.......

so....any job offers?

i live alone; absolutely alone

the BF has found out something that has changed his perspective of me forever...

harsh words were exchanged, he wanted to leave; i shamelessly clung on to him for dear life...crying, begging, pleading....don't leave me, i can't live without you...

too late i realised the folly of my ways, too late have i tried to salvage the dying relationship; too late did i realise what i really needed and wanted....i have seen what i did wrong, and i have tried so hard to clear it all up.....and i almost did....

till he found out.


now, no matter what i say and do, its no use anymore...i hurt him beyond words, and he will never forgive me...what should be said has been spoken, nothing will ease the pain and change the fact. now all i can do is sit and watch as he drifts out of my reach, as i shed bitter tears for the unsolvable situation which me, and me alone, caused.


i love you, i regret, i know what i did wrong. please forgive me dear, come back.

it's complicated

i'm going through a transitional period of my life now..

well....firstly i found out the BF has a gf.....and my emotionally charged reaction shocked myself...

i got myself horribly drunk the day that i knew, and i spent the next few days acting like a paranoid stalker that starts crying everytime ANYTHING happens. i pushed, i probed, i made many angry unfounded comments and kept drinking and drinking..

it was a horrible week, where melissa lost control of her whole being and principles.

i was the one who let him go, i was the one who did him wrong, i was the one who heartlessly ignored him even though he tried desperately to win me back. But now i'm the one that is holding on and not letting go.

i didn't want to go back, cos i was scared; i was afraid that all he promised would be a lie, and everything would come back to square one again...i was unsure, and hurt others in the process. Iwas confused, to go back or not...i guess that finding out the news that he has truely let me go was the motivator that helped me decide once and for all. the answer was so clear for all to see:

I Love Him. very much...and i wanted him back.

knowing that he was lost to me made me do many many stupid things.....it felt like deja vu and i could understand how he felt the time when i rejected him time and time again. I kept asking him, what he wanted...i just really needed him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and i could give up once and for all.

but in the end, he said he chose me.

happiness was short-lived though...he has changed....he no longer is as caring, no longer do i feel the love from him. his silence, and announcement for me to give him time, left me crying in the corner......i keep thinking of weird things......like does he still miss her? does he regret his choice? does he even still love me?

i become paranoid, jealous of everything, desperately being as nice and as loving as i can, in a bid to win him back; to make him love me again, to make him realise that i am sincere, that i can give up everything to be with him, for everything to be like last time......

i dunno what he is thinking, and what he is doing........his silence is driving me crazy when i want to have a good talk and really discuss what he wants. he says he is confused......i think, if he really thinks she's that good, then why not just go back to her and leave me alone in my misery? better than leaving everything hanging. he is so selfish.

all i want is for him to talk to me...for him to let me know[in detail] what is going on and where i stand. i dunno how long i can take this silence and indifference.......

i will try. i really want to try....i just hope everything would settle itself and be ok.

prepare for depressing posts for the next few weeks.

Yay!~

i have officially quit my job.

thanks darran, for the introduction, but i really can't take so much work on such a measly pay anymore....plus its eating into my schoolwork.....and we wouldn't want me to fail yet again right??

well....its a difficult time for me.....let's just say that i know something i wish i didn't know. and somethings are just hard to let go of...i'm really tired of all that is happening right now and i'm so close to having yet another mental breakdown.....

need to get my life sorted out.

still busy

i'm up to my ears in work...guess im still trying to get the pace.......i think i have nua-ed too long...now everyone commented on how stressed i look......so many things to rush, and the fucker is piling s many last minute things on me.....how am i going to cope??? my school assignment is due on tues and i havent got the time to start anything......God help me...

i hope after next week things will slow down a little...so i can take a breather.....instead of being so tensed up every single day.....

will update asap!

work sucks

im at work now....from the silent office where the only sound is the fishtank bubbling and the dripping of water from the leaking air con....

im bored......so bored....and he's throwing so much fucking work at me that i cant even find the time to do my schoolwork.....im going to die of stress soon...

i'm suppsed to think up 40 cool places, things to do, people to meet.....every fucking two weeks!! i'm not even cool...how am i supposed to know where is cool???


help.

busy busy busy

sorry for the lack of updates! i'm soooooooo busy!

writing and writing and [going out] researching.........its like a never ending story........i know i love writing but this is completely ridiculous............*faints*

i really am trying to find the time to update in the midst of my busy busy schedule.......but its kind of diffiicult cos once i have free time i sleep , read, or play games.......

well......asap, promise!

My First Assignment

I'm going for my first assignment today!

Its at Muddy Murphy's Irish Pub, the event being Singapore 11th Guinness Oyster Shucking [Opening] Championship 2007......

I don't know what to do and what to say and what information I need...I don't know who to look for........I'm afraid i'll make a fool of myself again; which is the norm when i get panicky at social situations. When I try to act cool, I usually end up falling or dropping something or knocking over something or spilling liquids...on people.

Well, i shall just go and have fun and try my best lor......what to do? For the first time, there's no guidelines, no one to ask for help, nothing but me and myself.


But you know what? I like it.

I got it!

Went for the interview for writer yesterday! I got it!


weirdly, i didn't feel as jubilant as i should be....could it be the fact that the impact of the fact that i would have to start providing for myself suddenly becomes so much clearer? Something that i have been trying to avoid for a very long time hehe. i think it was too early and i was smiling for a little too long......

fatigue = not much enthusiasm ....bummer

Now im working again, and school has started, and i have a lot of games to complete, plus a lot of pics to update...so busy..........just thinking about it makes me tired...

anyway...now i have to start being cool. have to come up with cool places to go and things to do that not many have heard of for a short start-up article. for a cheena girl that constantly sticks to the same places of interest in heartland area, how to find?? So i am counting on my beloved friends to inform me should there be any great newish restaurants, pubs, clubs, drinking-hole, shops, etc... Any ideas? =)

It's off to Bangkok!

I'm leaving for Bangkok on 24th of February, Saturday, which is tomorrow!

Everyone keeps telling me that there are repeated bombings and all and I'm actually reconsidering a bit .....but i mean i will go in the end, the money being paid and everything...I mean, even if i die, at least I die shopping right? hehehe.

Thank you for all who made this trip possible [you know who you are =)]... and i hope that I will be able to get many many things on my limited budget!

Well...recently everyone has been bugging for me to get a job. I really don't envision myself going into the IT line although its what I'm currently studying; I've always wanted to write you know? And I actually seriously considered trying for SQ as the money is good of cos, not to mention I think I would love it, the travelling and exposure......but i just dread the interviews...next intake is on March 4th, still wondering if I should go for it.....

Because after my years of bugging Darran, he finally got a lobang for me!! Its an entry level position in the magazine that he was previously working at; its like a dream come true! I've tried so long to get a chance of getting into the line and fufilling my dream of writing for a living...and finally I got an opportunity! I have already sent in my CV and am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for a reply from the guy. I think if he hasn't contacted me by the time I get back from Bangkok, I will give him a call to try and impress him with my charm [or lack of] and a lot of pleading. Do you think going on my knees and holding on to his leg while crying and speaking in a pathetic voice too much?

Well, shall keep you guys updated after Bangkok!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quick Updates:

• i have yet to start packing my room! and CNY is drawing closer and closer! im dead meat...


• i had a small arguement with yenlin; which i will elaborate when i get the chance..


• i'm running out of books to read, running out of money to buy them, as well as running out of space to put any new ones...


• i confirmed going to bangkok; no matter how poor i will be after that.


• i dyed my hair purple! problem is, only can see the purple in strong light....so that means i have to carry a spotlight everywhere i go so that people can see the color....haiz..pics to come soon!

ermm.....thats about all at the moment. all will be elaborated soon!!

No pictures yet.

Sorry for the lack of updates! I have been so so busy recently that any free time i have is immediately spent sleeping. I have so many pictures to edit and upload but i havent got the chance to do so yet! Like yenlin's bdae, my long-overdue hongkong trip pics, few from outings and all.....haven't been bringing my camera out much cos so little chance to take photos! [plus the camera quite heavy also....-_-]

Anyway, i am also trying very hard to pack up my room before the new year rolls in!! so far i haven't seen any improvement.....and im still buying stuff, many many stuff........even though i have to save money for my next trip: BANGKOK!! going with yenlin, marcus, gladys and daniel. Yup, two couples, im going to be the odd one out, the lightbulb [sharing room with yenlin].....but i think its going to be ok.....I actually wanted to back out from the trip, when i realised that my cash situation is very very bad....but i was the one to suggest to go lor......yenlin cut me off when i hinted that i wanted to back out.........so sad......

i might have to rob someone. haiz.

my cousin in france, Jonathan, might be coming over to look for me!! he hopes that i am free to accompany him shopping, party, etc...i hope too.....he says summer, WHEN THE FUCK IS SUMMER?!?! i replied a long email about there being no seasons in Singapore and i couldnt be bothered to find out when was summer, and could he please indicate the month like his teacher taught him to. We didn't endure all the excruciating years of spelling for nothing you know!!

Anyway i hope he comes over, haven't seen him in 2 years.....he suggested a weekend getaway for us both haha...i think cos he wants to come to singapore for once and not be trapped by our aunties and uncles hahaah. but i think it would be fun to have a short trip with him. looking forward to it!

I shall end with a pic of my two delicious french cousins, Jonathan on the left and Brian on the right. Til next time!

Life is good!

Let's just say I have seen the light.......hahaha

these two days i have reverted back to the old, smiling, cheerful, happy melissa. I feel so fresh, so relaxed. After when the binds finally let go of my suffocating heart, suddenly, the world seems to be such a beautiful place.

I go where i please, do what i want...[except my homework lah....really need to get it on...]...... anywhere i wish, without having to ask permission, to give report, without having to explain why I change my location from here to there...I spent a whole blissful afternoon in east coast reading, all by myself, just doing NOTHING.....i enjoyed every single fucking minute of it.

Then I spent the night playing pool at the pub....it was great.

Later im going rollarblading by myself...haha.....hope i finally learn how to brake.....or you can look forward to a very bruised and battered me by the end of the day.

And on Saturday, ICESKATING!!!! been so long since i skated......too bad charmaine cant make it.....i remember the very last time we went skating......we were panting and all covered in perspiration after only ONE round of speed skate at jurong..........it felt like our legs were going to fall off!! Xiang dang nian ah...4-5 rounds also bo la sar..........we are getting old.....*sob*

Well....i hope my estatic mood lasts.....and not just a mask to cover up my sadness again.....my body is leaving me out of meetings and not telling me what is going on....

Later!

Its just another rainy day

I'm in my lowest period right now; wandering around aimlessly, dunno what to do, where to go, what choice to make.....i want to just run away from everything and pretend that nothing is wrong.....as i always do...but reality keeps forcing me to come to a decision.

I really love him, but i dunno what's stopping me from going back...everytime he touches me, everytime he makes references to our future, i feel so scared, so fan gan...i can't let him touch me, everything he does i get so frustrated, so angry......i just keep pushing him away; leave me alone...he is trying i know....but i'm afraid that it will all come back to square one again.

On the other hand, he, who loves me unconditionally, who gives in to my every whim and every request....i'm happy, but i'm afraid that it might not last. I dun want to hurt again, dun want to break another heart......we seem so unsuitable, but so suitable at the same time.

i choose the easy way out; dun make any choice, just give up everything, and live my own life, like nothing is wrong......

i choose freedom.

i want to do whatever i want, whenever i want. not to have to worry about another's feelings, not to have to report, not to have to ask permission or arrange a premature ending of a potentially good night.

I have friends, so many people who love and care for me. I dun have to be afraid that i will not have anything to do to occupy my time. i'm out almost everyday and every night, and i still haven't met up with all yet...

Yet, I have never felt more lonely.

Last week of work

This is officially my last week of work before I can finally get to stay at home and bum...for a while at least.....i think i have many things to do when i finally get the chance to stay home lor...

1) Finish my assignments: I am terribly overdue with my assignments. got a one week extension [til 12th jan] but till now i haven't even touched it yet....no inspiration....i have to finish it tonight cos tomorrow's the due date....God help me.

2) Play Dota with my brother: i have promised him like a million years ago that i would play it with him when i brought my computer back from the office.....well its at home now....but i havent got the time or mood to start mastering a new strategy game, even if the graphics are superb..

3) Pack my room: This ones a killer....my room is all laden with shopping bags, books, bags, new purchases, and god knows what else......i have no wall or floor left visible. Every available surface or corner is chock full of items, and making my way around my room is only possible by climbing up and down the bed, which is the only clear thing in my room. My wardrobe is overflowing, and clothes are all around the place......I HAVE TO PACK BEFORE NEW YEAR!!

thats about it so far....just thinking about them makes me tired......will update when i think of anymore...

now i have to go back to finding things to do in the office with my cousin's hawk eyes scrutinising every movement i make.

Later.

Where has all the retro gone?

Singapore clubs seriously are not paying enough attention to Retro.

Zouk was highly disappointing. Maybe we were too early.....was almost crooned to sleep with oldies from the time we got there. waited impatiently till 11pm til they finally played some decent dance music. Then i spent the better half of the night cringing at the bad mixes, the sudden changes of song and tempo, the bad timing and of cos, the bad dancing all around me. Thank God the company was great, and that was what made the night bearable.

We seriously need to find more places that play retro, that actually play music that we like...we were hoping for Boney M's remix of "Sunny", but guess the DJ was too busy playing the same old playlist every freaking Wednesday, and trying to mix two songs together without making short awkward pauses. Dedications were pointless. They are not going to fuck care about your preferences when they cant even get their own preferences to sound good. I don't think the DJ would be able to fit it in his carefully planned list.

Anyone know any nice places that play good retro music?

Mambo!

Going Zouk tonight with yenlin and meta!!

Gonna shake my bon bon all night to RETRO!

It's a New Year

Another year has past. Looking back, I feel exhausted. 2006 wasn't exactly one of my best years.

In 2006, I made many new friends and rekindled old friendships. I found out who really cared about me and who were only passing by.

In 2006, I made my first trip without a boyfriend, or family member.

In 2006, I left the person I love.

In 2006, I cried more in a month than I did for the past two years.

In 2006, I got my first bouquet of flowers from him.

In 2006, I realised how much I really wanted to have children.

In 2006, I realised how afraid I was of marriage, and how I was not ready for commitment.

In 2006, I hurt a friend.

In 2006, my clothes couldn't fit anymore.

In 2006, a lot of people got married.

In 2006, a lot of people got pregnant.

In 2006, Jennie welcomed Jared into our lives.

In 2006, I learnt the meaning of courage when she decided to keep the baby and put it up for adoption, because someone needs it more than her.

In 2006, I realised how much my parents really understood me and my need for freedom.

In 2006, I broke someone's heart.

I'm in a miserable state right now. 2007. Yeah.

Happy New Year!

I'm back from HongKong...i'm still nursing my numb feet....i swear my legs are going to fall of soon....

Pictures and commentary to come soon after i have done the usual editing!!!


Happy New Year everyone!!

Girl's Night Out: Let the drinks come!~ Part 2

It was just terrible...

So FREAKIN' BORING!!


Well, firstly, shane insisted on joining us, not that we mind, and the whole platoon came along with him.....so girl's night out: NOT!

Then yenlin kept saying she was tired and all.......

Then Linda got psychoed by shane to go to Zouk instead. I WAS wondering how he managed to do that, cos Phuture was the destination and it was only RnB[the whole freakin' night]; while me, linda and yenlin were pure Retro buffs through and through. Anyway, since shane said that linda was okay with Zouk, i agreed, and yenlin agreed.........

we got tortured by a whole night of seemingly RnB music, with undetectable singing in an unrecognisable language, and a lot of American wannabes trying their best to dance to the horrible repetitive music. -_-

so after much arm-twisting, apparantly shane LIED to linda and told her that it was RETRO so that we would join him at zouk...................!@#$^% ()



Yenlin left at 11.50pm

Me and linda fought out way through the throngs of sweaty people to get to the toilet at 12.34am.....as we stared at the idiots struggling to climb the stairs to phuture, a sudden desolute feeling of tiredness overwhelmed us and we went to the coffeeshop opp to have a drink instead.

I left at 1.20am.


The night of fun turned into a night of boredom.


Sian.....-_- I was planning to get drunk lor.......I didn't even get high lor..no kick whatsoever..




We will have retro! As soon as I get back from Hong Kong!

Hehe........tentatively I'm leaving tomorrow night!!

So it will be 买东西，吃东西, 买东西，吃东西,买东西，吃东西.


Happy Holidays Everyone!

Girl's Night Out: Let the drinks come!

I'm going out clubbing with linda and yenlin tonight! Haven't been clubbing ALONE since god-knows-when; and we haven't clubbed together since yenlin's 21st birthday...which was like almost 4 YEARS AGO~~

i still remember:

me, yenlin, linda and gladys went to Madam Wong to celebrate yenlin's birthday. yenlin had one drink with us from the newly-opened vodka bottle and a waterfall from her kind bartender friend and she ran off, leaving linda in the dangerous company of me!

I remember I kept mixing the drinks for linda as i got increasingly drunk, resulting in forcing her to "Ta" many full glasses of 3/4 vodka and 1/4 7up!!! I kept assuring her that the liquor level looked high cos of the ice ["it's the ice! its the ice!"]! Gladys wisely kept a slight distance and sipped her drink when me and linda kept bottoms up!

The night ended with yenlin hugging the toilet bowl, smiling at us and saying "I'm not drunk!", at the same time punctuating each sentance by violently throwing up the contents of the night's dinner; and me and linda giggling non-stop as we danced out-of-beat to the suddenly ridiculously loud music. All of us spent the whole of the next day nursing our hangovers...

I am looking forward to tonight! Sure will be fun! We are going to drink and be merry like there's no tomorrow!! No Drunk No Home! Hehe~

And before I forget,

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Hong Kong Here I Come!!

i'm going to hong kong!! i just suddenly decided to take marcus's advice and went ahead and planned a immediate trip to calm my nerves and take a break from the chaos that i have been going through these few weeks. was actually thinking of just any old country, anywhere that will take me away from singapore......beach resorts, thailand for shopping or whatever....... but my friend had to insist on going to Hong Kong lor....

Not that i'm against it, but the problem is that it's SUPER expensive now...really burned a BIG BIG hole in my small pocket, and i'm not even sure if i have enough to spend after paying for the flight and hotel and what-nots.....and even for shopping everything there is for the winter season, what to buy?!?!? The plus is that the weather is deliciously cold at the moment, the same as the last time i went to Hong Kong. That means i can satisfy my winter jacket fetish and wrap up in the warm jackets and trenchcoats and boots that i can't wear in singapore for fear of fainting from heatstroke. And I can go see all the things that I missed out the last time i was there. [Disneyland, Watch Out!!] I'm also going to attack the street vendors and eat the fishballs[damn shoik!] till they start oozing out of my ears.

I hope i enjoy it. Really excited hehehe!

so many things to do, so little time

have been SUPER busy recently! my schedule is chock-full of appointments and what nots...busy arranging meetings with people i haven't seen in a long time...actually its kinda tiring, cos its like i have to keep entertaining and thinkin of things to say and repeating my sob story to all.........duhz.....when i rather meet those few that i truely feel comfortable with....

its been one heck of a rollar coaster ride, and its only been 3 weeks! i want to get off, and get rid of this nauseating feeling of suffocation, panic and fear that my seatbelt will give way and i will fall from my seat and plummet to my untimely death.

Can I help it if i'm such a good catch that he is unwilling to let go?

well... TOO BAD. Its too late.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!

thank you for making it possible.

oh shit

i have been having one hell of an emotional week; with all the crying and sarcastic remarks and all. Didn't know that it was so difficult to let go.....but everyone seems to think that I am very strong and siao sa.......like real....that's what they see. I'm an expert in putting on a mask, see?

yesterday, had a quarrel with christine...at first we were exchanging sms-es in which she started saying all those lan jiao wei....i got so pissed then i called her and asked her what the fuck was she trying to say. She msged that "It's alright, since your mouth is so tight." then she continued with, "You are a clever girl. You know what I mean."

WTF?!?!?!?!

I was so hurt that she! of all people, would talk like that! I told her that i treated her as a good friend and by saying all this she really hurt me. Why couldn't they think of how i felt instead of thinking of how he felt??!!? Then she blurted out:

"You keep saying that we are good friends, then why didn't you tell us that you broke up with Alex? We didn't even know what happened, then suddenly we heard the news from him when we asked him. "

so she was angry with me because i didn't inform her..........but didn't she think that some things i just can't say to her? I mean, think about it. It's not like she tells me every single problem she is going through lor....she'd rather let charlene or jennie know.....so how can she accuse me of not telling her!!! Christine is one of the sweetest and nicest persons i know, and i never imagined that she would treat me like this. she has no freaking right to feel left out when she doesn't even include me lor....the conversation ended on a bad note.

i specially put aside a day to organise a gathering with all of them, then i get this crap. How am I going to face her on wednesday? What in the world am I going to do...

*

I had a dream last night.

It seemed like an answer to what I was praying for.hmmm....

I dreamt that I had a new boyfriend. It was just a normal thing....like everyday life......but like he was unwilling to do some stuff for me and/or for my family..... and then in the dream I kept comparing him with Alex, so many things to compare lor, like 4 years of good and bad all flash in the few hours of my sleep.....then when i woke up, i realised that....Alex really treated me very good[apart from the kuai lan and temper lah]....doing things for me without consideration...

i am so confused again. God help me.

It's over

It's official.

As from 28th November 2006, I am officially single.

This year, I will be spending my birthday with a different status.

I will be with people i love and care about, people who have known me, the real me, and love me for me.

*

The whole scenario seems like an abortion; You are torn between keeping your flesh and blood or not. You risk facing the whole world, hurting people who love you, inviting gossip. If you decide to let it go, you will live in misery with the memories. If you decide to go on with it, the road will be tough and unhappy as you go through it alone.

Of course, there are always pros and cons in every situation.

*

It's so hard. I have turned into this tempremental lunatic that has immense mood swings, irritating everyone with my indecisiveness, quick temper, and sudden blurts of completely imcomprehensible, unjoined comments that make no sense whatsoever, even to myself.

my heart broke when I saw his tears. I almost wanted to say that it was ok, that I won't leave, that I'll give him one more chance.... But I couldn't bring myself to say those words, words that would end his misery and my pain. Because I know, I want to put my own self first now, instead of yet again giving in to another person's needs.

I cried like I never cried before. Every single turn, comment makes me think of him. But you wonder, since I seem so upset with my own decision, why can't I just give him one last chance?

I won't. I can't.

I have tried to tolerate, and this decision has come about after much much consideration.

I feel relieved, relaxed; free.

It's time for me to move on.

Girl's night out

...well almost...marcus[yenlin bf] came after a while. -_-...

It's been so long since the four of us came out and had a nice girly chat, with lots of laughs and corny jokes that only we could understand; Yenlin, Linda, Charmaine and me. Turns out that even after so long, the bond is still there; the familiarity, the closeness, the mutual understanding, the frequency...it seems so right and so comfortable, like last time when we were still uncontaminated by the worst of life experiences and ways of the world. I really wished that the night would never end; when it was time to go, i was hit by a wave of nostalgia and melancholy, and wondered wen would we ever get the chance to have another gathering again. I wish i could just continue staying in the safe, warm cocoon of friendship and love. But, hey, we had to go home right.

All were plagued by relationship problems; the words just flew freely, confessing, the doubts, the admitting of own faults; its been so long since i could just talk, and not have to mince my words or think before speaking for fear of offending anyone or letting out information that shouldn't be let out...we four girls have gone through so much together, through faults, through mistakes, through heartbreak, tears and joy.

Thank God for friends. *sniff*

*

Well, he was behaving as if everything hadn't happened; like we were still together; i myself don't even know if we were still together or not. I wanted to tell him not to wait, but seeing him in so much pain, I really wanted to just go back to him and comfort him.......but i have to stop all this....if I can't let go, it would make it worse, and we will never be able to end this.

how long can i withstand the sadness that is emitting from him? he is trying so hard to get me back, but i have to be the cruel one. I told him that he should stop treating me as if we were still together, that it would make it even more difficult for him to let go. That I wanted to live my own life, going where i wanted, doing what i wanted, without making excuses for an impulsive action, or explaining why i was where i was and who i was with.

but he seems so lonely......everytime i talk to him, tears just form, i wan to love him, to comfort him and accompany him, to make everything ok.....but i cant do it. I have to stop myself.

I have to come to a decision soon.

*

marcus said that in my life, i have a lot of things that i want to do and try that I haven't been able to before. If I were able to go ahead and do these stuff, I would finally be able to be happy. He also said that I shouldn't care about how others thought of me and just do whatever I wanted...so maybe i should start writing down all the things that i wanted to do, just in case i miss out something. any ideas of anything i mentioned before? i'm having bad memory these days.

*

I wish this would pass soon.

i did it

i finally said it.

it was so hard. he said he couldn't make it without me. he begged me not to leave, to give him another chance, to start afresh. I wanted to, but i couldn't do it. i know that the longer i dragged it on, the harder it would be. i still love him, but i know that I needed to let go.

The tears just kept flowing; then a sense of relief. Stabs of guilt, painful tug in my chest.

Remember our dreams? Remember our promises? Our casual talks for the wedding, our kids. The carpet we bought and wrapped in brown paper for next time? The figurines i loved? your plans for the house, the planning of our life together. It's over.

He is still being so sweet, calling and msging me like it never happened; treating me in the way that makes me so happy. Why must you always be so nice after something happens? Why can't you keep it like that always? Why did you have to wait til it was too late to try and salvage the situation?

It's too late.

But now, i can finally be myself. I can finally do what i want. I keep thinking if I would regret this.... i feel so lost, so confused; but at the same time, so relieved, happy, like a huge load has been lifted off.

Seeing him struggle, so alone, my heart aches just thinking about it....but i want him to learn to live life without me. I love him and i want him to be happy, but not at the extent of my own happiness; not anymore. I know he can find someone out there much better, more suitable for him [although my heart will ache if i ever know].

Some say i'm so stupid to throw away something so beautiful, so stable; to give up on someone who loves me wholeheartedly...can't i be more tolerant, just overlook the bad.........but i just don't see it happening at this moment. I can't tolerate now.

Maybe taking a break from each other is the best thing to do now. I really don't know i we will get back together. Only time will tell.

Dear, i love you. I'm sorry.

Sad

am i wrong to be unhappy when he has his good side as well?

is it my fault that everything he does gets me so irritated?

should i be the tolerant one?

should i try to just concentrate on the good and let the bad slide past?

must i really forgo my own opinions and interests and listen to him?

can i let go?

should i let go?

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Really catchy acoustic version of her latest single. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Its going to be my new ringtone.

Beyonce - Irreplaceable Lyric
Lyric provided by www.seekalyric.com


to the left
to the left

to the left to the left
everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, yes thats my
stuff
yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)

and
keep on talking that mess, thats fine
could you walk and talk, at the same
time?
and- its my name thats on that bag
so go move your bags, let me
call you a cab
standing in the front yard, telling me
how I'm such a
fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a man like you

you got
me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a
minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to
thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so go ahead and get grown
call up
that chick, and see if shes home
oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
what did you think
I was putting you out for?
because you was untrue
rolling around in the car that I bought you
baby, drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standing in the front yard,
telling me
how I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a
man like you

you got me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know
'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so since I'm not your everything
how about I be nothing? nothing at
all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the
left to the left
to the left to the left

mmmmmmmm
to the left to
the left
everything you own in the box to left

to the left to the
left
don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have
another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you can pack all your things- we're finished
cause you made your bed
now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
don't you ever for a
second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

Found a song by Ah Mei which I felt was very nice. It was in my hard disk like forever and I can't believe I never heard it before til yesterday. Couldn't find the romanized lyrics so be content with the chinese lyrics. Anyone manage to find the translation please pass to me!

Anyway, it seems to be a sad sad song [like every single one in her 我要快乐 album]....I feel that this album of hers has a lot of hurt and pain in the way she sings and the lyrics....well..maybe this encompasses all her sad moments throughout her life?

I'm a sucker for sadness...=P

所以我愿意 (Shuo Yi Wo Yuan Yi) [Therefore I do]

By:张惠妹


每朵凋零花蕊 总在冬天积累
等着滋润下一季的美
每颗掉落的泪 会在沙漠里轮回
又怎么算白费

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

每次伤痕累累
学会分辨真伪 眼前真心的笑容更美
每段痛心忏悔 把爱进一步找回
简单的更宝贵

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的却是

对爱我仍愿相信
只是命运没捷径 路难走我反而坚定

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

Art?

Was taking a stroll along the newly revamped Clarke Quay the other day. Quite nice really. All glass and concrete. They mixed post-modernist with classic. I preferred the dingier decor of yesteryears, just because it was more authentic...I have many fond memories of Clarke Quay, you see, as I used to spend lunch alone there, staring at the dirty river as I took a long drag from my cigarette, sorting out problems that only adolescents would have. It was calming, peaceful, noone giving you dirty or kaypoh looks, no one chasing you away.

Approaching Clarke Quay, the exposed beams of the glass ceiling caught my attention, as my amatuer photographer's instincts arose. I took out my trusty camera phone and started adjusting my angles to get the best light, in order to try and create an artistic edge. At first it was not too bad....

Then there I was minding my own business, taking in the sights...then i looked up again......to my horror, they were upon me!! They were all over the place! Acting like innocents, ready to corrupt the minds of the population....it was:

THE INVASION OF THE GIANT METAL PENISES.

someone was trying to be funny.

Treasuring what is now

Do you realise we never treasure what we have until its gone? In this modern world, where independence and equality is dominant, we strive to be the best, have never-ending goals that dominate our lives, pushing us to over-stress ourselves, making us unable to fully enjoy what life has given to us.

Even if we decide to let our hair down and indulge in what the world has to offer, ignoring conventions in the process, society will be frowning upon us and we will inevitably conform to the expectations that bind us to our mundane, everyday, pathetic excuse for a life, convincing ourselves that this is for the best, that normality is the way to go.

How many of us can really say that, up till now, we have done whatever we wanted to do, and is satisfied with the richness of the quality of the lifestyle that we are having? Ruling out vices like stealing, killing, or randomly beating the shit out of pple you dun like, of course...

Everything we do, we have to face the music. We have to worry about how people are going to look at us, what others will think, whether its morally correct. I admire the individuals that dare to break through the box and just go on doing what they do. No matter the actions were wrong or right, at least the experience matured them and they can die without any regrets.

*

I have made many mistakes during the past 24 years of my life. I spent much time sculpting my life to making others happy. Trying to make people like me. Trying to be cool. Trying to be pretty enough. Trying to be thin. Trying to be accepted. Trying to fulfil my parents expectations of me. I've tarnished my own reputation, cleaned it up, but indulged in my own secret cravings. I've hurt, been hurt, fallen in love, had my heart broken again and again. I've had disappointments, nights when i've cried myself to sleep, times when I felt all alone. I've had flings that I've fallen in love with, who never reciprocate. I've swallowed my pride, thrown tantrums, gone all out for a friend who didn't appreciate it. I've had a fair share of quarrels, of disagreements, of arguements. I've cut myself, physically hurting myself to ease the pain inside. I've given in, and been let down. I've given up mykel and melvin, both whom I would have loved very much if i only had the choice. I've gone through what most would not wish to go through. Most of the time alone.

Oh I've had many many happy moments too.

If I had my life to live all over again, I would still do the same things. With the sad came happiness. I told myself I will not wear a mask anymore. I will still give to my friends unconditionally. I will still do what i do.

If all these didn't happen, I would not be me. I would not be Melissa.

Live life to the fullest. Like its your last day on this Earth.

Marital Doom

Why must we get married? Its just a ritual with staged theatrics for everyone else to acknowledge that you are now legally encouraged to have constant, loud animal sex for the purpose of the creation of the next generation. The media has placed such emphasis on the statement that "a woman is most beautiful on her wedding day", drilling into the vanity of women of all ages that the sole purpose of life for a woman seems to be to get married.

I believe we decide to get hitched also because we want to make sure that the fella won't be able to get away. It's like buying property.

But do we really want to get married, or do we just want an excuse to dress up?

To get married seems to bring about these few images:
1. Wear a beautiful gown that you would otherwise never have the chance to even look at it close up except though the glass windows of a bridal store; where you will steal glances as you discreetly slow your pace. i mean you can't look at the gowns on display for fear of being thought of pitifully as a woman that no one has proposed to yet. There is also a danger of being caught drooling. [i speak from experience]

2. Throw a grand wedding dinner to show all your relatives and friends how generous you are, and throwing fake smiles in every direction as you allow them to admire how beautiful you actually are.

3. Get all gussied up by a [sort of] professional make-up artist, satisfying the “I-am-a-model” craving that is apparent in every woman’s darkest dreams. Face it; two inches of make-up will definitely cover whatever blemishes there are.

4. Collecting enough ang pows to use as a bedsheet with the ability to be able to throw cash money all around as you do the duck dance in the privacy of your hotel room.


I admit; I spent the better part of my life just dying to get hitched. Most of my childhood was spent stalking brides while they took photos with the vast amounts of greenery in Botanic Gardens, all the while pointing at them and commentating in my cute high-pitched chatter every single move that the bride was making. This got me plenty of dirty looks which were hastily changed into forced smiles when they realised that people were looking. I spent much time thinking of the kind of wedding tat I would have, the color of the gown I would be wearing…. I also have a file where I store articles and pictures that showed gowns that I liked; décor of nice apartments and wedding themes advice. *blush*


But now, whenever I get to know that someone is going to get married, the first word that comes to my mind is, “ Siao ”.


Marriage is, of course, inevitable; and ideal, conforming to the conservative societal conventions that is typically Chinese; I don’t know what prompted me to have this sudden change in thinking, but I suddenly feel that making the decision to bed the same person for the rest of your life should be avoided until you are of the correct age and have the adequate amount of experience and maturity, and you are financially stable. Love can only bring you so far.

No one wants to be alone, and maybe getting hitched is just a reaction to counter the in-built fear of loneliness. I mean if God meant for us to fuck and go, why would he make the path to true love so long and tedious? Conversations won't be necessary and we would not have emotions. We would be living in a silent world where physical appearances would be the key to breed. Shopping would prevail; personality would be non-existant. So no matter how strong and independent a person claims to be, there will sure be times when they crave a bit of warmth and reliability from a certain special someone.

Now, I know I seem to be contradicting myself, me having impulsively applying for an apartment with the BF... and now nervously chewing on my fingernails as I subconciously pray for the contractor to take as long as possible to build it. -_-..

These few days, I have felt the love oozing out of every pore of the BF. His strength, his encouragement, his sacrifices; I suddenly feel so lucky. But hey, do you know how many disappointments I had to go through til I found this one?? I feel blessed, and I know that if i let this go I will not be able to find one that gives so unconditionally anymore. [although he has his many kuai lan times] Natural Human Reaction: ROM NOW! Don't let him get away! *starts swinging lasso*

Ok, ok, so maybe I want to get married, I want to have kids; I have seen successes and failures [although the failures seem to have left a deeper impression in my mind, judging from the failures that I myself have gone through]..... BUT I just can't help but feel that there is more to life than following the normal trend and living a normal life. I want more; I crave more. I want to get the fullest out of my youth before I settle for the next phase. But is it healthy?

I think, I am just not ready. Yet.

Long weekend

Ugh.......the long long weekend is over... now its back to work.

I apologise for the absense of posts....recently i have seemed to lost my flair....and mood....I have started a lot of posts....only to delete them in the end after feeling that the posts have no meaning. I don't think that my confusing train of thought would be very interesting to you.

so sorry. be back as soon as I find where i have misplaced my creativity.

Finally!

Had a really busy week...finally i'm able to just lay back and laugh at the busy people, for the next few days at least.

well.....genting was cold....and i lost all the way from the start, which prompted me to play more....all of us lost.......

i think they are probably building a wing with "ang mo kio ave 10" embazoned across the entrance, waiting to welcome us during our next trip there...=(

despite the gambling, i still managed to get a few pictures taken, but still waiting for him to pass them over to me, which he hasn't been doing for the past few months, selfish bastard. hence the lack of any pictorial entertainment.


blame him, not me.

have to finis my essay. later.

haiz...

i lost...=(

Satisfying My Gambling Addiction

I am going to GENTING!!

We will be driving up on Saturday morning 3.30am and reach there asap; the earlier we reach the earlier we can visit our dear friends up there IN THE CASINO; mine is specifically Ms Slot Machines and Miss Baccarat. Of cos, we will also say hi to Mr Roulette and Sir Poker. Not to forget Uncle Big Small and Mrs Blackjack. Of cos, being the friendly people we are, we will also make many new friends over there; which I will tell you when I get back on Monday.

Hopefully our friends will give us presents, i mean, we travelled all that distance to get to them, the least they can do is present us with a few welcome gifts right? Not too much, i'm not too greedy; just a few thousands to tide me over my soon-to-be-unemployed situation.

I even got my nails done in the traditionally heng heng color:

All the better to press the JACKPOT BUTTON with.


Wish me good luck ah!!! HUAT AH!!