Girl's Night Out: Let the drinks come!~ Part 2

It was just terrible...

So FREAKIN' BORING!!


Well, firstly, shane insisted on joining us, not that we mind, and the whole platoon came along with him.....so girl's night out: NOT!

Then yenlin kept saying she was tired and all.......

Then Linda got psychoed by shane to go to Zouk instead. I WAS wondering how he managed to do that, cos Phuture was the destination and it was only RnB[the whole freakin' night]; while me, linda and yenlin were pure Retro buffs through and through. Anyway, since shane said that linda was okay with Zouk, i agreed, and yenlin agreed.........

we got tortured by a whole night of seemingly RnB music, with undetectable singing in an unrecognisable language, and a lot of American wannabes trying their best to dance to the horrible repetitive music. -_-

so after much arm-twisting, apparantly shane LIED to linda and told her that it was RETRO so that we would join him at zouk...................!@#$^% ()



Yenlin left at 11.50pm

Me and linda fought out way through the throngs of sweaty people to get to the toilet at 12.34am.....as we stared at the idiots struggling to climb the stairs to phuture, a sudden desolute feeling of tiredness overwhelmed us and we went to the coffeeshop opp to have a drink instead.

I left at 1.20am.


The night of fun turned into a night of boredom.


Sian.....-_- I was planning to get drunk lor.......I didn't even get high lor..no kick whatsoever..




We will have retro! As soon as I get back from Hong Kong!

Hehe........tentatively I'm leaving tomorrow night!!

So it will be 买东西，吃东西, 买东西，吃东西,买东西，吃东西.


Happy Holidays Everyone!

Girl's Night Out: Let the drinks come!

I'm going out clubbing with linda and yenlin tonight! Haven't been clubbing ALONE since god-knows-when; and we haven't clubbed together since yenlin's 21st birthday...which was like almost 4 YEARS AGO~~

i still remember:

me, yenlin, linda and gladys went to Madam Wong to celebrate yenlin's birthday. yenlin had one drink with us from the newly-opened vodka bottle and a waterfall from her kind bartender friend and she ran off, leaving linda in the dangerous company of me!

I remember I kept mixing the drinks for linda as i got increasingly drunk, resulting in forcing her to "Ta" many full glasses of 3/4 vodka and 1/4 7up!!! I kept assuring her that the liquor level looked high cos of the ice ["it's the ice! its the ice!"]! Gladys wisely kept a slight distance and sipped her drink when me and linda kept bottoms up!

The night ended with yenlin hugging the toilet bowl, smiling at us and saying "I'm not drunk!", at the same time punctuating each sentance by violently throwing up the contents of the night's dinner; and me and linda giggling non-stop as we danced out-of-beat to the suddenly ridiculously loud music. All of us spent the whole of the next day nursing our hangovers...

I am looking forward to tonight! Sure will be fun! We are going to drink and be merry like there's no tomorrow!! No Drunk No Home! Hehe~

And before I forget,

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Hong Kong Here I Come!!

i'm going to hong kong!! i just suddenly decided to take marcus's advice and went ahead and planned a immediate trip to calm my nerves and take a break from the chaos that i have been going through these few weeks. was actually thinking of just any old country, anywhere that will take me away from singapore......beach resorts, thailand for shopping or whatever....... but my friend had to insist on going to Hong Kong lor....

Not that i'm against it, but the problem is that it's SUPER expensive now...really burned a BIG BIG hole in my small pocket, and i'm not even sure if i have enough to spend after paying for the flight and hotel and what-nots.....and even for shopping everything there is for the winter season, what to buy?!?!? The plus is that the weather is deliciously cold at the moment, the same as the last time i went to Hong Kong. That means i can satisfy my winter jacket fetish and wrap up in the warm jackets and trenchcoats and boots that i can't wear in singapore for fear of fainting from heatstroke. And I can go see all the things that I missed out the last time i was there. [Disneyland, Watch Out!!] I'm also going to attack the street vendors and eat the fishballs[damn shoik!] till they start oozing out of my ears.

I hope i enjoy it. Really excited hehehe!

so many things to do, so little time

have been SUPER busy recently! my schedule is chock-full of appointments and what nots...busy arranging meetings with people i haven't seen in a long time...actually its kinda tiring, cos its like i have to keep entertaining and thinkin of things to say and repeating my sob story to all.........duhz.....when i rather meet those few that i truely feel comfortable with....

its been one heck of a rollar coaster ride, and its only been 3 weeks! i want to get off, and get rid of this nauseating feeling of suffocation, panic and fear that my seatbelt will give way and i will fall from my seat and plummet to my untimely death.

Can I help it if i'm such a good catch that he is unwilling to let go?

well... TOO BAD. Its too late.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!

thank you for making it possible.

oh shit

i have been having one hell of an emotional week; with all the crying and sarcastic remarks and all. Didn't know that it was so difficult to let go.....but everyone seems to think that I am very strong and siao sa.......like real....that's what they see. I'm an expert in putting on a mask, see?

yesterday, had a quarrel with christine...at first we were exchanging sms-es in which she started saying all those lan jiao wei....i got so pissed then i called her and asked her what the fuck was she trying to say. She msged that "It's alright, since your mouth is so tight." then she continued with, "You are a clever girl. You know what I mean."

WTF?!?!?!?!

I was so hurt that she! of all people, would talk like that! I told her that i treated her as a good friend and by saying all this she really hurt me. Why couldn't they think of how i felt instead of thinking of how he felt??!!? Then she blurted out:

"You keep saying that we are good friends, then why didn't you tell us that you broke up with Alex? We didn't even know what happened, then suddenly we heard the news from him when we asked him. "

so she was angry with me because i didn't inform her..........but didn't she think that some things i just can't say to her? I mean, think about it. It's not like she tells me every single problem she is going through lor....she'd rather let charlene or jennie know.....so how can she accuse me of not telling her!!! Christine is one of the sweetest and nicest persons i know, and i never imagined that she would treat me like this. she has no freaking right to feel left out when she doesn't even include me lor....the conversation ended on a bad note.

i specially put aside a day to organise a gathering with all of them, then i get this crap. How am I going to face her on wednesday? What in the world am I going to do...

*

I had a dream last night.

It seemed like an answer to what I was praying for.hmmm....

I dreamt that I had a new boyfriend. It was just a normal thing....like everyday life......but like he was unwilling to do some stuff for me and/or for my family..... and then in the dream I kept comparing him with Alex, so many things to compare lor, like 4 years of good and bad all flash in the few hours of my sleep.....then when i woke up, i realised that....Alex really treated me very good[apart from the kuai lan and temper lah]....doing things for me without consideration...

i am so confused again. God help me.

It's over

It's official.

As from 28th November 2006, I am officially single.

This year, I will be spending my birthday with a different status.

I will be with people i love and care about, people who have known me, the real me, and love me for me.

*

The whole scenario seems like an abortion; You are torn between keeping your flesh and blood or not. You risk facing the whole world, hurting people who love you, inviting gossip. If you decide to let it go, you will live in misery with the memories. If you decide to go on with it, the road will be tough and unhappy as you go through it alone.

Of course, there are always pros and cons in every situation.

*

It's so hard. I have turned into this tempremental lunatic that has immense mood swings, irritating everyone with my indecisiveness, quick temper, and sudden blurts of completely imcomprehensible, unjoined comments that make no sense whatsoever, even to myself.

my heart broke when I saw his tears. I almost wanted to say that it was ok, that I won't leave, that I'll give him one more chance.... But I couldn't bring myself to say those words, words that would end his misery and my pain. Because I know, I want to put my own self first now, instead of yet again giving in to another person's needs.

I cried like I never cried before. Every single turn, comment makes me think of him. But you wonder, since I seem so upset with my own decision, why can't I just give him one last chance?

I won't. I can't.

I have tried to tolerate, and this decision has come about after much much consideration.

I feel relieved, relaxed; free.

It's time for me to move on.

Girl's night out

...well almost...marcus[yenlin bf] came after a while. -_-...

It's been so long since the four of us came out and had a nice girly chat, with lots of laughs and corny jokes that only we could understand; Yenlin, Linda, Charmaine and me. Turns out that even after so long, the bond is still there; the familiarity, the closeness, the mutual understanding, the frequency...it seems so right and so comfortable, like last time when we were still uncontaminated by the worst of life experiences and ways of the world. I really wished that the night would never end; when it was time to go, i was hit by a wave of nostalgia and melancholy, and wondered wen would we ever get the chance to have another gathering again. I wish i could just continue staying in the safe, warm cocoon of friendship and love. But, hey, we had to go home right.

All were plagued by relationship problems; the words just flew freely, confessing, the doubts, the admitting of own faults; its been so long since i could just talk, and not have to mince my words or think before speaking for fear of offending anyone or letting out information that shouldn't be let out...we four girls have gone through so much together, through faults, through mistakes, through heartbreak, tears and joy.

Thank God for friends. *sniff*

*

Well, he was behaving as if everything hadn't happened; like we were still together; i myself don't even know if we were still together or not. I wanted to tell him not to wait, but seeing him in so much pain, I really wanted to just go back to him and comfort him.......but i have to stop all this....if I can't let go, it would make it worse, and we will never be able to end this.

how long can i withstand the sadness that is emitting from him? he is trying so hard to get me back, but i have to be the cruel one. I told him that he should stop treating me as if we were still together, that it would make it even more difficult for him to let go. That I wanted to live my own life, going where i wanted, doing what i wanted, without making excuses for an impulsive action, or explaining why i was where i was and who i was with.

but he seems so lonely......everytime i talk to him, tears just form, i wan to love him, to comfort him and accompany him, to make everything ok.....but i cant do it. I have to stop myself.

I have to come to a decision soon.

*

marcus said that in my life, i have a lot of things that i want to do and try that I haven't been able to before. If I were able to go ahead and do these stuff, I would finally be able to be happy. He also said that I shouldn't care about how others thought of me and just do whatever I wanted...so maybe i should start writing down all the things that i wanted to do, just in case i miss out something. any ideas of anything i mentioned before? i'm having bad memory these days.

*

I wish this would pass soon.

i did it

i finally said it.

it was so hard. he said he couldn't make it without me. he begged me not to leave, to give him another chance, to start afresh. I wanted to, but i couldn't do it. i know that the longer i dragged it on, the harder it would be. i still love him, but i know that I needed to let go.

The tears just kept flowing; then a sense of relief. Stabs of guilt, painful tug in my chest.

Remember our dreams? Remember our promises? Our casual talks for the wedding, our kids. The carpet we bought and wrapped in brown paper for next time? The figurines i loved? your plans for the house, the planning of our life together. It's over.

He is still being so sweet, calling and msging me like it never happened; treating me in the way that makes me so happy. Why must you always be so nice after something happens? Why can't you keep it like that always? Why did you have to wait til it was too late to try and salvage the situation?

It's too late.

But now, i can finally be myself. I can finally do what i want. I keep thinking if I would regret this.... i feel so lost, so confused; but at the same time, so relieved, happy, like a huge load has been lifted off.

Seeing him struggle, so alone, my heart aches just thinking about it....but i want him to learn to live life without me. I love him and i want him to be happy, but not at the extent of my own happiness; not anymore. I know he can find someone out there much better, more suitable for him [although my heart will ache if i ever know].

Some say i'm so stupid to throw away something so beautiful, so stable; to give up on someone who loves me wholeheartedly...can't i be more tolerant, just overlook the bad.........but i just don't see it happening at this moment. I can't tolerate now.

Maybe taking a break from each other is the best thing to do now. I really don't know i we will get back together. Only time will tell.

Dear, i love you. I'm sorry.

Sad

am i wrong to be unhappy when he has his good side as well?

is it my fault that everything he does gets me so irritated?

should i be the tolerant one?

should i try to just concentrate on the good and let the bad slide past?

must i really forgo my own opinions and interests and listen to him?

can i let go?

should i let go?

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Really catchy acoustic version of her latest single. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Its going to be my new ringtone.

Beyonce - Irreplaceable Lyric
Lyric provided by www.seekalyric.com


to the left
to the left

to the left to the left
everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, yes thats my
stuff
yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)

and
keep on talking that mess, thats fine
could you walk and talk, at the same
time?
and- its my name thats on that bag
so go move your bags, let me
call you a cab
standing in the front yard, telling me
how I'm such a
fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a man like you

you got
me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a
minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to
thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so go ahead and get grown
call up
that chick, and see if shes home
oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
what did you think
I was putting you out for?
because you was untrue
rolling around in the car that I bought you
baby, drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standing in the front yard,
telling me
how I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a
man like you

you got me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know
'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so since I'm not your everything
how about I be nothing? nothing at
all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the
left to the left
to the left to the left

mmmmmmmm
to the left to
the left
everything you own in the box to left

to the left to the
left
don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have
another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could
have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

you can pack all your things- we're finished
cause you made your bed
now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
don't you ever for a
second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

Found a song by Ah Mei which I felt was very nice. It was in my hard disk like forever and I can't believe I never heard it before til yesterday. Couldn't find the romanized lyrics so be content with the chinese lyrics. Anyone manage to find the translation please pass to me!

Anyway, it seems to be a sad sad song [like every single one in her 我要快乐 album]....I feel that this album of hers has a lot of hurt and pain in the way she sings and the lyrics....well..maybe this encompasses all her sad moments throughout her life?

I'm a sucker for sadness...=P

所以我愿意 (Shuo Yi Wo Yuan Yi) [Therefore I do]

By:张惠妹


每朵凋零花蕊 总在冬天积累
等着滋润下一季的美
每颗掉落的泪 会在沙漠里轮回
又怎么算白费

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

每次伤痕累累
学会分辨真伪 眼前真心的笑容更美
每段痛心忏悔 把爱进一步找回
简单的更宝贵

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的却是

对爱我仍愿相信
只是命运没捷径 路难走我反而坚定

因为懂得可惜 才懂得珍惜
拥有要先学会了失去
所以我愿意 跟随我自己
让苦涩掏空心底
取而代之的全是勇气

Art?

Was taking a stroll along the newly revamped Clarke Quay the other day. Quite nice really. All glass and concrete. They mixed post-modernist with classic. I preferred the dingier decor of yesteryears, just because it was more authentic...I have many fond memories of Clarke Quay, you see, as I used to spend lunch alone there, staring at the dirty river as I took a long drag from my cigarette, sorting out problems that only adolescents would have. It was calming, peaceful, noone giving you dirty or kaypoh looks, no one chasing you away.

Approaching Clarke Quay, the exposed beams of the glass ceiling caught my attention, as my amatuer photographer's instincts arose. I took out my trusty camera phone and started adjusting my angles to get the best light, in order to try and create an artistic edge. At first it was not too bad....

Then there I was minding my own business, taking in the sights...then i looked up again......to my horror, they were upon me!! They were all over the place! Acting like innocents, ready to corrupt the minds of the population....it was:

THE INVASION OF THE GIANT METAL PENISES.

someone was trying to be funny.

Treasuring what is now

Do you realise we never treasure what we have until its gone? In this modern world, where independence and equality is dominant, we strive to be the best, have never-ending goals that dominate our lives, pushing us to over-stress ourselves, making us unable to fully enjoy what life has given to us.

Even if we decide to let our hair down and indulge in what the world has to offer, ignoring conventions in the process, society will be frowning upon us and we will inevitably conform to the expectations that bind us to our mundane, everyday, pathetic excuse for a life, convincing ourselves that this is for the best, that normality is the way to go.

How many of us can really say that, up till now, we have done whatever we wanted to do, and is satisfied with the richness of the quality of the lifestyle that we are having? Ruling out vices like stealing, killing, or randomly beating the shit out of pple you dun like, of course...

Everything we do, we have to face the music. We have to worry about how people are going to look at us, what others will think, whether its morally correct. I admire the individuals that dare to break through the box and just go on doing what they do. No matter the actions were wrong or right, at least the experience matured them and they can die without any regrets.

*

I have made many mistakes during the past 24 years of my life. I spent much time sculpting my life to making others happy. Trying to make people like me. Trying to be cool. Trying to be pretty enough. Trying to be thin. Trying to be accepted. Trying to fulfil my parents expectations of me. I've tarnished my own reputation, cleaned it up, but indulged in my own secret cravings. I've hurt, been hurt, fallen in love, had my heart broken again and again. I've had disappointments, nights when i've cried myself to sleep, times when I felt all alone. I've had flings that I've fallen in love with, who never reciprocate. I've swallowed my pride, thrown tantrums, gone all out for a friend who didn't appreciate it. I've had a fair share of quarrels, of disagreements, of arguements. I've cut myself, physically hurting myself to ease the pain inside. I've given in, and been let down. I've given up mykel and melvin, both whom I would have loved very much if i only had the choice. I've gone through what most would not wish to go through. Most of the time alone.

Oh I've had many many happy moments too.

If I had my life to live all over again, I would still do the same things. With the sad came happiness. I told myself I will not wear a mask anymore. I will still give to my friends unconditionally. I will still do what i do.

If all these didn't happen, I would not be me. I would not be Melissa.

Live life to the fullest. Like its your last day on this Earth.

Marital Doom

Why must we get married? Its just a ritual with staged theatrics for everyone else to acknowledge that you are now legally encouraged to have constant, loud animal sex for the purpose of the creation of the next generation. The media has placed such emphasis on the statement that "a woman is most beautiful on her wedding day", drilling into the vanity of women of all ages that the sole purpose of life for a woman seems to be to get married.

I believe we decide to get hitched also because we want to make sure that the fella won't be able to get away. It's like buying property.

But do we really want to get married, or do we just want an excuse to dress up?

To get married seems to bring about these few images:
1. Wear a beautiful gown that you would otherwise never have the chance to even look at it close up except though the glass windows of a bridal store; where you will steal glances as you discreetly slow your pace. i mean you can't look at the gowns on display for fear of being thought of pitifully as a woman that no one has proposed to yet. There is also a danger of being caught drooling. [i speak from experience]

2. Throw a grand wedding dinner to show all your relatives and friends how generous you are, and throwing fake smiles in every direction as you allow them to admire how beautiful you actually are.

3. Get all gussied up by a [sort of] professional make-up artist, satisfying the “I-am-a-model” craving that is apparent in every woman’s darkest dreams. Face it; two inches of make-up will definitely cover whatever blemishes there are.

4. Collecting enough ang pows to use as a bedsheet with the ability to be able to throw cash money all around as you do the duck dance in the privacy of your hotel room.


I admit; I spent the better part of my life just dying to get hitched. Most of my childhood was spent stalking brides while they took photos with the vast amounts of greenery in Botanic Gardens, all the while pointing at them and commentating in my cute high-pitched chatter every single move that the bride was making. This got me plenty of dirty looks which were hastily changed into forced smiles when they realised that people were looking. I spent much time thinking of the kind of wedding tat I would have, the color of the gown I would be wearing…. I also have a file where I store articles and pictures that showed gowns that I liked; décor of nice apartments and wedding themes advice. *blush*


But now, whenever I get to know that someone is going to get married, the first word that comes to my mind is, “ Siao ”.


Marriage is, of course, inevitable; and ideal, conforming to the conservative societal conventions that is typically Chinese; I don’t know what prompted me to have this sudden change in thinking, but I suddenly feel that making the decision to bed the same person for the rest of your life should be avoided until you are of the correct age and have the adequate amount of experience and maturity, and you are financially stable. Love can only bring you so far.

No one wants to be alone, and maybe getting hitched is just a reaction to counter the in-built fear of loneliness. I mean if God meant for us to fuck and go, why would he make the path to true love so long and tedious? Conversations won't be necessary and we would not have emotions. We would be living in a silent world where physical appearances would be the key to breed. Shopping would prevail; personality would be non-existant. So no matter how strong and independent a person claims to be, there will sure be times when they crave a bit of warmth and reliability from a certain special someone.

Now, I know I seem to be contradicting myself, me having impulsively applying for an apartment with the BF... and now nervously chewing on my fingernails as I subconciously pray for the contractor to take as long as possible to build it. -_-..

These few days, I have felt the love oozing out of every pore of the BF. His strength, his encouragement, his sacrifices; I suddenly feel so lucky. But hey, do you know how many disappointments I had to go through til I found this one?? I feel blessed, and I know that if i let this go I will not be able to find one that gives so unconditionally anymore. [although he has his many kuai lan times] Natural Human Reaction: ROM NOW! Don't let him get away! *starts swinging lasso*

Ok, ok, so maybe I want to get married, I want to have kids; I have seen successes and failures [although the failures seem to have left a deeper impression in my mind, judging from the failures that I myself have gone through]..... BUT I just can't help but feel that there is more to life than following the normal trend and living a normal life. I want more; I crave more. I want to get the fullest out of my youth before I settle for the next phase. But is it healthy?

I think, I am just not ready. Yet.

Long weekend

Ugh.......the long long weekend is over... now its back to work.

I apologise for the absense of posts....recently i have seemed to lost my flair....and mood....I have started a lot of posts....only to delete them in the end after feeling that the posts have no meaning. I don't think that my confusing train of thought would be very interesting to you.

so sorry. be back as soon as I find where i have misplaced my creativity.

Finally!

Had a really busy week...finally i'm able to just lay back and laugh at the busy people, for the next few days at least.

well.....genting was cold....and i lost all the way from the start, which prompted me to play more....all of us lost.......

i think they are probably building a wing with "ang mo kio ave 10" embazoned across the entrance, waiting to welcome us during our next trip there...=(

despite the gambling, i still managed to get a few pictures taken, but still waiting for him to pass them over to me, which he hasn't been doing for the past few months, selfish bastard. hence the lack of any pictorial entertainment.


blame him, not me.

have to finis my essay. later.

haiz...

i lost...=(

Satisfying My Gambling Addiction

I am going to GENTING!!

We will be driving up on Saturday morning 3.30am and reach there asap; the earlier we reach the earlier we can visit our dear friends up there IN THE CASINO; mine is specifically Ms Slot Machines and Miss Baccarat. Of cos, we will also say hi to Mr Roulette and Sir Poker. Not to forget Uncle Big Small and Mrs Blackjack. Of cos, being the friendly people we are, we will also make many new friends over there; which I will tell you when I get back on Monday.

Hopefully our friends will give us presents, i mean, we travelled all that distance to get to them, the least they can do is present us with a few welcome gifts right? Not too much, i'm not too greedy; just a few thousands to tide me over my soon-to-be-unemployed situation.

I even got my nails done in the traditionally heng heng color:

All the better to press the JACKPOT BUTTON with.


Wish me good luck ah!!! HUAT AH!!